I give you...

After that last heavy post, I need something fun. I give you..."The Baby Lazy Susan--A Tale of Two Brothers"



I just want to point out that yes, I am egging him on, but only so we could film it. Of course he was doing it on his own but when we wanted to film it, that was when Micah started screaming and Noah stopped messing with him. We are innocent I tell you!

Life and Death

We just had a fabulous evening out with our precious friends! We watched a movie, ate pizza, and laughed at our children running amok. Somewhere in that time of vitality, my mother's best friend passed away. Oh, you know, it wasn't completely unexpected, but nonetheless, a person who was here is no longer. Death. Dead. Period. Final.

This woman was a childhood friend of my mother. My mom credits her knowledge of Jesus and her path to salvation as a direct result of a friendship with this woman and her family. They have kept in close touch throughout the years. They have had babies, marriages, divorces, good times, and bad times in their 30+ years of friendship. Suprisingly enough, both of their mothers are still alive and kicking. My mother's BFF, as I will now call her, had a very aggressive form of cancer. We found out about it around this time last year. Last year! One year. Perfectly healthy. Wasted away. When I think about this too deeply, it makes me confused. My mother is 52 (sorry, Mom!). She is young, she has grandchildren, she teaches school, she dates her husband, she chauffeurs her children about, she visits for the holidays. 52 is not a time to wilt away into nothingness. Why does this woman not get to see her children and grandchildren grow? Why is her own mother surviving her?!?

I remember when we all found out. There is so much hope. "I am going to beat this". "I'm fine. Really". And the tests keep coming back worse and worse. The hair goes. But not the smile. Not the fierce determination. Until one day, it does. We just saw mom's BFF 6 days ago. She had aged 20 years. She shuffled around the house in her PJs, and she just looked like a shell of herself. She could hardly keep anything down, and she appeared to get confused easily. When you snuck a peek at her, she seemed lost. Or perhaps like she had just retreated into herself.

I don't understand death. This person was alive. She existed. Yesterday she was here and today she is not. Yes, yes, I know all about the spirit being eternal, and your legacy lives on. Yadda yadda. But she physically is. not. here. My husband said he had a feeling that Saturday was going to be the last time we saw her. I don't know where that intuition comes from. I did not feel that way. I really thought she was going to be fine. This was a bad point, but she had months to go. I feel so silly now. I think I saw it, but I didn't want to.

It feels so narcissistic to talk about this as if I am even remotely affected. I hurt for my mother, who lost her best friend. I ponder my own best friend, and wonder if we will be gabbing together about our arthritis and creaky knees well into our 80s. I send waves of concern and sympathy to her children, who are going to navigate the waters of adulthood without her presence and wisdom. And, again, I say, death doesn't make sense to me. How can one person be out running errands, looking forward to the night to come, while another takes her last breath?

I ran across this poem about death by Emily Bronte. I really like the last stanza. I think because of the imagery of death being rotten and moldy and putrid. It becomes manure. And manure stinks. But we can't grow rich young trees without manure.

Death by Emily Bronte
Death! that struck when I was most confiding
In my certain faith of joy to be -
Strike again, Time's withered branch dividing
From the fresh root of Eternity!

Leaves, upon Time's branch, were growing brightly,
Full of sap, and full of silver dew;
Birds beneath its shelter gathered nightly;
Daily round its flowers the wild bees flew.

Sorrow passed, and plucked the golden blossom;
Guilt stripped off the foliage in its pride;
But, within its parent's kindly bosom,
Flowed for ever Life's restoring-tide.

Little mourned I for the parted gladness,
For the vacant nest and silent song -
Hope was there, and laughed me out of sadness;
Whispering, " Winter will not linger long!"

And, behold! with tenfold increase blessing,
Spring adorned the beauty-burdened spray;
Wind and rain and fervent heat, caressing,
Lavished glory on that second May!

High it rose - no winged grief could sweep it;
Sin was scared to distance with its shine;
Love, and its own life, had power to keep it
From all wrong - from every blight but thine!

Cruel Death! The young leaves droop and languish;
Evening's gentle air may still restore -
No! the morning sunshine mocks my anguish -
Time, for me, must never blossom more!

Strike it down, that other boughs may flourish
Where that perished sapling used to be;
Thus, at least, its mouldering corpse will nourish
That from which it sprung - Eternity.

To stop before I become too maudlin, I am going to shut my computer, call my mom and cry with her, kiss my babies, give my husband a hug, and go to sleep. And, I am going to enjoy my world of friends and family. They are so precious to me, and unfortunately, I don't get them forever.

Venting

I need to vent for a minute. And I need someone to tell me--bitchy or not? Where do my thoughts need to be in all this?

So, once again, I am caught in the "whose job is more important conundrum". Elisa has ballet on Tuesdays and someone normally takes her. That person cannot today, so I asked Na and he said yes. He is going to leave work for 45 minutes to take her. Someone else is slated to pick her up. I am also working at this time, but it is hourly, not salary and it is hard for me to take off. Anyway, Na is in a meeting that he cannot leave. So, who has to go to their boss and come up with a mysterious errand and is it alright for me to clock out and then clock back in? I feel like such a dummy. An ill-prepared un-professional dummy. He doesn't like it when I ask for things like this, but what can I do? And why does Nathan's job get more importance? Because he makes more money? Perhaps that is it. It is still frustrating. And, I hate that both of us feel like we are displeasing our bosses if we have to do something for our kids! I am so frustrated right now!

And, I should note that working hourly generally sucks. I really feel for all the people with children out there that have to do that! I think I am having some major pride issues as well because I have degree and I shouldn't have to. But you know what, I have kids and debt, so I am really doing the best I can. I am always looking for something part-time that utilizes my degree but those are few and far between here in Longview, Texas!

Potty Training Part II, Big Boy Bed, and Hobby Lobby

I am going to start by saying that Hobby Lobby is a treacherous web of deception and lies. I am not a crafty person in the slightest, and I generally get overwhelmed by crafty things. However, I braved a trip to HL with my little boys to buy a frame. It should have been an in and out job, but that place is full of so much kitsch it can cross your eyes. I found myself side-tracked by shiny pretty baubles and the wheels in my head started turning. "I can make this. Wouldn't that look cute... I can totally rock this look in my house!" Cart full, I realize that when I head home, this will actually just be pieces of crap, not magnificient works of art. What the H-E-double hockey sticks was I thinking?!? I can't do any of this s#!t. As I leave, I give HL the stink eye.

We introduced Noah to his big boy bed last night. The toddler bed has been in his room since we moved, and he has just continued to sleep in his crib. We hadn't talked about the big boy bed, we just did our regular nightly routine and placed him in the toddler bed instead of the crib. He was upset at first. Nathan had to go back in and read some extra stories. And, amazingly, he just laid down and went to sleep. I don't even know what to say. Nathan was like, "Is it supposed to be this easy?!?" I dunno. Again, at nap time today, I said, "Are you ready to go to sleep? Noah said "Yeah" in his baby language, and I just laid him down. He slept for two hours. So, okay. Yay for us. I love my sweet little boy. Now, about that paci....We are going to need Jesus for that.

The girls are both potty trained, but wear pull-ups at night. I just up and decided that Elisa was old enough to go without one. I don't know if this is true, I just didn't feel like buying 60 pull-ups a month. So, we just talked about wearing big girl panties at night and we have her go to the bathroom before she goes to bed. We leave the bathroom light on so she can go if she wakes up and sometimes she does. However, she is still wetting her bed about 50% of the time. I am not sure if her body is ready, but she is almost 5. Thoughts or ideas, anyone?

Vote for one of my kids!

Hey friends! I put up pics of my kids for the local mag cover contest and they all got picked! (I think they took all the admissions :)) Anyway, I would really appreciate it if you could vote: Elisa, Ava, Noah, or Micah http://bit.ly/aqpO4D

Cast your vote for the Child Cover Winner by emailing
publisher@longviewcommunitymag.com First name of child should be in the subject line. Only one entry per email will be accepted. Voting ends November 9th at midnight Winner will be announced on November 10th

I am really excited, and don't worry, I won't know which kid you voted for--I know they are all adorable, just pick your fav! I am not going to be able to vote I don't think! Ha!

Some Family Language

I am sure everyone is like this, but we have a few words or phrases that are unique to our family. Just thought I would share a few:

"Wockles" = waffles (someone just prounces them that way--I don't know)
"Fancy" = handsome (Somewhere along the line our girls thought the word "fancy" was synonymous with handsome. It is the male form of beautiful and there is absolutely no way to convince them it means anything else. Do not, I repeat, do not, tell Elisa or Ava that they look fancy as they will take it as an insult from the bowels of hell that you would compare them to a boy.)
"Wa-wa" = Noah's way of saying paci, lovey, water, milk, drink or food (and probably many other things). It is a fun little guessing game to see what it is he actually wants.
"Da" = Noah saying yes.
Nakee = Naked, or, one's personal state after leaving the bath tub and dropping one's towel to run about the house.

Let me preface this next one by saying that while I do label body parts correctly for my children, we generally say "boy parts" and "girl parts" when discussing our private areas. I was changing Noah the other day and Elisa was in the room asking me about him. I figured this was as good a time as any to give correct medical terms. After this discussion, she walked away with her own unique take that girls have "jemimas" and boys have "venuses". Ooookay. Job well done, Mom!

Hard not to feel depressed, but there's hope

Friends, I have recently come to the conclusion that I am not a good employee. This may have been glaringly obvious to most of you, but it is a shocker to me. Having a career has been very important to me since I graduated college, and I try to put my best into my job. I know that I need time away from my kids to serve them better, but that doesn't take away from my desire to be a good employee. It has recently occured to me that my children might be the reason for my job troubles. I have to find a sitter every time I go to work. This can be challenging. What if that person is sick or has her own children's issues to attend to? Then I can't go to work and I look and feel like a flake. I was looking around for seasonal employment today, and I applied to JCP. After the online 50 question application they said, and I kid you not, "Based on your responses, you do not meet the requirements for employment with JCP", or some similar nonsense. Okay, for crying out loud, I was applying to fold shirts and run the cash register! What could possibly un-qualify me?!? One of the questions was what was the motivating factor for my choice of job. I answered "flexibility in schedule" as opposed to "desire to do a good job or please my boss" or some other such nonsense. When asked what I prefer to do when I am stressed I answered "spend time with family in friends". These are the only responses I can point to to explain why JCP does not want me. And yeah, I realize that it is not personal. But it still hurts. Starbucks didn't want me and neither does JCP. In the past, I would have taken up space ranting and railing about the unfairness of our system that it does not provide environment that ready and willing SAHMs can occupy. We women with children are smart. We are capable. We just also happen to be responsible for our homes and families as well. And it is a fact that men do not suffer the same oppression and stereotypecasting from potential employers. However, the other fact remains that I am more of a gamble for employers. If my kid is sick, I have to stay home. If my sitter is sick, I have to stay home. If I want to change my hours to fit my home life, that is frowned upon. And I can understand. But it still makes me mad. And sad. Because if I had never gotten my family into a debt mess, I wouldn't have the pressure to produce an income just to live day-to-day life. I cannot explain to you the deep sadness I feel that I have put this pressure on myself and our family. This is beyond me just wanting to get out of the house; this has become a necessity to pay bills. I would love to make it until Micah is two before I have to get a full-time job. Just two more years at home with my babies and then I can make more money! Here is the thing: I know that God will provide. I have seen him do it over and over again. I hate myself for wallowing in this self-pity when I know that God has never failed us and never will. I think what I need right now is encouragement to just pray and remain faithful to trusting God every day. I don't know what is going to happen in January. I want my girls to stay at the wonderful preschool they are at. I want to commit to tithing this year at our wonderful church. I want to keep the girls in the ballet classes they love so much. But at this point, I don't know what is going to happen after Christmas. But I do know that God will take care of us, right?

Fun!

I figured after the last heavy post, I needed to blog something lighthearted. Things are good just busy. Here are pics of kids:

I wanna pull my hair out!

So, here's the thing: I am definitely finding my life very stressful right now. Everybody wants a piece of me. And the sad thing is I am reaching for inanimate objects instead of people. I am so consumed with making dinner, doing laundry, picking up toys, paying bills, etc., that I forget about the "little people" all around me. I know that every mom knows what I mean. I have 1 hour so I am going to use it doing housework instead of playing with my kids. Consequently, they continue to cry out for me and I continue to ignore them; pushing harder to get the chores done, I create this self-fulfilling prophesy/downward spiral of self-loathing and doom. I do believe in the past 2 days I have yelled at the top of my lungs AND had serious thoughts about just running away. If I could throw all the carseats out of my car, I think I would just take off and never come back. Ooo, heavy.

Gratefulness

I started a women's Bible study at my church today. We are reading through Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity. We all agreed that the book is not what we were expecting (at least in the beginning). It seems to jump around a lot. However, one thing we did agree on was how all of us don't feel like we should be living the happy lives that we are. Someone mentioned they felt like they always lived "waiting for the other shoe to drop". That is exactly the way I feel! I feel like I don't deserve the life that I have and something bad must happen to me soon. Of course, this is just not the case, but it doesn't mean I don't have that insecurity. I just wanted to drop a line here and say how incredibly grateful I am to lead the life I do. I have 4 healthy children, a wonderful husband, a way to get around town and we manage to pay the bills on time. What more could one ask for?

I especially feel grateful for my children. There are so many people out there right now that are heartbroken from miscarriages or failed attempts to get pregnant. It doesn't seem fair that I got to have 4 with no problems! My heart goes out to these men and women and I truly wish them peace and patience. And, I am joyful for all the preggos out there! It seems like virtually everyone I know if having a bebe, and it is awesome! I absolutely don't want it any more for myself, but I am truly excited for all my friends: Baby Accord, Baby Braden, Baby Collins, Baby Dorand, Baby Patel, and Baby Salter! I can't wait to meet your little ones!

On a random sidenote, I am on the countdown to a new phone. My old phone crapped out in July and rather than spend the $50 to get a new phone through insurance, I bought a $30 gophone. I am due for a new phone in October. I thought I could easily wait 3 months. However, shortly after purchasing gophone, Ava dunked it in water so I had to buy another one! Now I have spent $60--does that even make sense?!? Anyway, gophones suck (it's a flip phone!) and texting is really old school now. I can't wait for an iphone or at least something similar!

Personal Growth, or, A Novella in 3 Parts

Introduction:
Let me just say that if you actually read all the way through this post, you deserve a medal of some sort. I realize that I am self-indulgent and long-winded. In my defense, I am not a scrapbooker or photographer in any way. My children don't even have baby books. This is my effort to record for my children what life was like when they were introduced into the world. It is my way of writing them a love letter. Of sorts. It is also like my little diary that you are privy to as well. Don't you feel kind of pervy? :) Ha!

Changes

I have always heard that the jump from two to three kids is always the worst. The joke is that you go from "one-on-one" defense to "zone" defense parenting. Ha! As with many things in my life, I tend to be a little different from the norm. Mainstream thinking does not become me (some would say). ;) I have to admit that the jump from 3 to 4 kids is way more difficult that 2 to 3 ever was. I have spent much time pondering this personal phenom. What makes my experience so different? I think for the past 4 years, even though I have had 3 children, they have all been loosely in the same developmental stage, so to speak. It has been a twin like mentality: someone had "the girls" (because they exist as one entity in our minds--not right!) and someone had the baby. But now, I find myself with "the girls" and 2 babies--which is much more difficult. I realize that there was a time when it was just Elisa and Ava and they were both "babies" but I find it hard to remember the particular difficulties of that time. For me, it has been deceptively easy to see my oldest through "rose-colored" glasses. She always seemed so capable of adaptation and rapid growth. Deal with a sister at 17 months? No problem. Communicate with my in full sentences by the time you are 2? Done. Play by yourself, dress yourself, feed yourself, and anything else by the time you are 3? Check and check. So, is she a wonder-child? I would of course argue yes, but to be fair, that might just be the proud momma in me talking! I was in such a hurry for her to grow up and she has a personality that is just all too happy to oblige. Enter child number 2, and then child number 3, and I learn lessons about how all children are not created equal. And I love it! Each one is so precious in their own way. But somewhere around when Noah was born, I realized that I really just had a house full of babies, not little adults. To come full circle, the introduction of yet another baby has been more difficult for us than ever before. We are not super-parents. Nor are we particularly gifted in parenting well. (I would argue the exact opposite, to be quite frank.) What I am learning is that Nathan and I are entering a different stage in our life where we begin to parent young children, not simply care for babies. And this distinction is very important. Elisa (and Ava a little too) is beginning to be involved in all those things that are somehow going to pad her college application: dance, soccer, piano, etc. ad nauseum. I joke, but we are only on the precipice now. We are just about to careen down that childhood mountain of extracurricular madness in full force. Because of this transition for our eldest, it makes caring for a needy infant that much more difficult. It is not just the waking up in the night, but the whole package: feeding and changing diapers about once an hour. Moving from bouncer to swing to carseat to arms trying to get the crying to stop. Planning not only errands but car pool and activities around a feeding schedule. It is really demanding. However, I do get the feeling that as soon as Micah gets mobile, we will reach a new equilibrium.

The New Equilibrium

Nathan and I recently had our first truly deep soul-searching conversation in a long long while. I describe a mountainous ledge above, but we are truly in a transitory state in a lives and marriage. We are not having any more children. Everyone has joked that we would never actually pull the trigger and make it permanent. I know you are all convinced we would rival the Duggars in multiplying powers, but believe it our not, we are done. Nathan had a vasectomy 2 weeks ago. He did well and he has to get checked in December to make sure all sperm counts are zero, but we are committed to no more kiddies. We both feel very good and at peace with this decision. That doesn't, however, mean we are not mournful or anxious about what is coming next. As silly as it sounds, I truly see myself turning into my mother. And I don't mean that statement to be derogatory. As we enter this next phase of life, our motivating factor day in and day out is our children, not ourselves. Up until now, I have been able to be selfish. Being pregnant and having young babies brings a lot of attention to yourself. People still ask "how are you feeling?" But I have a sneaking suspicion that is about to end. I am becoming invisible. I don't exist accept to be Elisa/Ava/Noah/Micah's mother, you know, the lady that is bringing snack to practice this week? Or maybe my role is room mother or party organizer or sunday school volunteer or purchaser of recital clothing. Insert job related to the activity of my child here _____________. Regardless, nobody much cares anymore what I think or how I dress, or speak, or what I drive. I am becoming that nameless, faceless MOM that I used to scorn. It is becoming apparent to me how easy it is to forget that I even exist as a friend, partner, lover, companion, or daughter. I just need to be the bill payer, grocery shopper, and child taxi. Not that I don't love all of these things or that I am trying to be particularly grumpy. But, you know, entering this unknown phase of life is just as scary as the first day of school, leaving home to go to college, getting married, or having your first child. Who Am I?

As Nathan and I discussed the challenges and joys of this new phase of life, I have to admit I am a little well, scared. Not apprehensive, just plain old scared. When my children go to college, will I still know my husband as the wonderful man I see him as now? More importantly, will I recognize myself? Will I continue to care for myself like it matters? Or, will I turn into a desexualized being that smiles in the right places and keeps the house running and makes sure the right number of children are in the car and driven to the appropriate place at the appropriate time. I hope not. But I already feel myself being dismissed by the larger public. I get tossed into the file cabinet labeled "MOM" in society's mind and that is that. Do I become a drabber version of myself? Or, can I find some way to grow more vibrant while tending to the demands of my children? I know one thing, I don't blame them. I want nothing more than for my children to turn into happy, caring, and responsible adults. And if they have to take little pieces of me to do so, so be it. But I will not stop seeking a way to escape the great "pigeon-hole". That is why I am the hot mess momma. Always bucking convention. :)

The Children In Question

Elisa: She is in the stage of questions. Way beyond my area of expertise. Things like: "Mommy, why did my fish die? Am I going to die? Why do you have hair on your bottom (why does she refer to everything south of the border as her bottom? It's called a vagina--I can say that, right? I promise we label things correctly in our house!) Will I get hair on my bottom? Why does your heart not look like the shape of a heart? Why won't my friend do what I say? Why? Why? Why? Mom? Mom? Mom?" Admittedly, sometimes I want to scream at her. I am a very busy person, can't you see? I am working on enriching your life so could you not talk to me for a while? Yeah, I see how ridiculously hypocritical this sounds. So, for my oldest love, I pray for patience and wisdom in answering every oh so important question. May I never be too busy for her.

Ava: I like to call this stage the echo stage. Her favorite color is Elisa's favorite color. Her best friends are Elisa's best friends. She wants to wear the same headband Elisa is wearing. I fully expect to hear one day: "Mommy, I just killed a man", followed by "Mommy, I just killed a man too!" in a bright, ever perky voice. I want her to develop her own friendships and her own likes and dislikes. I worry about her complete inability to focus. I will say "Ava, go get your socks.". "My socks?" (like she has never heard that word before). "Yes, on the floor." "On the floor?" she says while looking inside a drawer like she doesn't know what the floor is. It seriously concerns me and sometimes I want to just shake her. For my second love, I pray that I will never stop noticing her for the beautiful, intelligent, kind-hearted child she is. I pray she will find her own path and never measure her success or failure by what someone else has accomplished.

Noah: On the inside, this is a sweet, easy-going, bright child. On the outside, however, he can be a little pill. Yeah, I know no one believes me. But when he gets angry, he will yell and throw holy fits. He has thrown his sippy cup at me in anger. He yells at me. I realize that he is just one, but I don't want to set the precedent for him that you get what you want by screaming about it. Also, I am really sensitive to how he treats me because this is his example for how to treat women in general. For my third love I pray for patience to not get exasperated with him. I pray for a mindful spirit that will not forget how truly scrumptious and adorable he is on the inside. I pray that he won't ever feel lost or forgotten in this family.

Micah: I don't know a lot about his personality yet, but he is really relaxed. He does not cry all that much. And frankly, if he does, he gives up so easily. He is a wonderful sleeper (sleeping from about 8 pm to 4 am every night). Because he is my last one, even at a month old, I feel he has grown too much already. I want to keep him small forever. For my fourth love, I hope this attitude does not spoil/entitle him forever. I want to keep each moment of his life locked in my mind forever! I think my prayer for him is more a prayer for me right now. I need peace with the changes in my life and the resolution to not bring any more babies into the world. He is it, but he doesn't need to be on a pedestal. I want all my children to see how very very much they are loved by me.

Writing helps me get a handle on my day to day anger and frustration. It gives me a chance to sit back and remind myself how wonderful each of my children are. It is so easy to get put out and annoyed by "the little creatures". By publically posting my shame as a pitiful parent, I get to renew my decision to be a little more patient from here on out. This is my "time-out". And this particular one has been a long time coming.

So, does anyone know any agents or publishers for my book? ;)

New life!...and more guilt

Well...he does exist! Micah Martin Autry Collins made his entrance into this world at 11:05 pm on Wednesday, August 18th. Everything about this birth has been different than my previous 3. There are so many things I am experiencing it is hard to know where to start.

I think the most pressing thing is that Micah had a rough start entering this world. Even when you do everything right and are presenting as low-risk, things can still go wrong.

I was set to be induced Thursday the 19th. Wednesday afternoon, of course, my water broke. This was very exciting for me because I have never had my water break and this was a "cool pregnancy thing" to experience my last time around. I have a theory about my kids and Wednesdays anyway (Elisa, Noah, and now Micah were all born on Wednesday nights. And I still have guilty thoughts about "forcing" Ava out on a Sunday of all days!). I kind of always knew it would be this Wednesday. Anyhow, I am Group B Strep positive and there is an increased risk of infection for the baby when your water breaks. It can be very serious if it isn't caught. I was GBS + with all my kids, but my water was never broken until I delivered, so I never really thought about its seriousness.

I got to the hospital within 45 minutes of my water breaking and got put on antibiotics to prevent infection. Not a single contraction. At 7 pm I was given pitocin. For about 2 hours, nothing really happened. They tried to get the dosage right, I had a few intense contractions here and there but nothing other than I was just getting tired. They check my dilation and I had moved half a centimeter. I really felt that this time around, I wasn't interested in proving anything to anyone by being a pain warrior and I kind of asked for an epidural. My nurse (who by the way was unequivocally wonderful--love love loved her!) suggested trying a relaxant through my iv first. She seemed to think once my contractions came regularly, I would progress very quickly.

She was right. From 9 pm to 1015 pm I dilated 4 to 7 and the drugs were awesome. I went to my focused place and asked for more of the relaxing drugs. By 11 pm I was at 9 cm and ready to push. My wonderful husband is a birthing champ. He told the nurse when we came in that when I started screaming for drugs and yelling at everyone about the pain that meant it was time for the baby to be born. We laugh now, but he has been right every time. I started yelling at the top of my lungs for someone to put me out of my misery. At that point the doctor appeared, I was flipped on my back and I just pushed that little sucker right out. It was very quick, but I just want to point out--it hurt. A lot. It doesn't matter that it just hurt for 15 minutes. That is a 15 minute window where if someone offered to kill me I would let them. My sweet hubby mentioned later that he had a very hard time not laughing at me at points. I guess he has seen the same thing so many times, but each time to me it is like tunnel vision--I forget everything except the god-forsaken pain.

My first thought about Micah was "Wow. He is small". I made sure he looked healthy and was breathing, but honestly, I think the drugs still had me a little woozy. It was hard to focus. They gave him to me, and I realized that he was making a weird noise. He was grunting repetitively and wouldn't try to latch on at all. The nurse told me that he was in respitory distress and promptly snatched him away to the nursery. Still befuddled, I don't think it hit me until I was sewn up and sitting semi-alone that I realized something was really wrong. We didn't know for a couple of hours what had happened. He was put in the NICU and given oxygen, antiobiotics, and a saline drip because in addition to having trouble breathing, his blood sugar was very low.

We couldn't hold him all night but we did get to see him. We kind of sat in limbo until we saw the pediatrician Thursday morning. His blood work made it look like he had an infection. But, it could very well be that he was pre-term (my due date wrong) or some other issue. We would have to wait. I could nurse him, but he had to stay in NICU. He did get off oxygen, but had to stay monitored and on IV for blood sugar. We were hoping all was well and he would be released to me Thursday night.

Later bloodwork showed that he did indeed have an infection and a rather serious one. It was okay because he had been given antiobiotics immediately, but he was one sick little boy. All day Thursday (and through the night) he was weaned off his IV a little at a time. Finally, this morning, we have been able to take off his monitor to feed him. We spoke to the doctor this morning and all looks good. The treatments given have been working and he is successfully off his IV. He can be released to my room to eat, but needs to go back to the NICU in between to be monitored at least until tomorrow. If everything goes well today with him and bloodwork looks good this time, he will be released from the nursery and turned into a pediatric patient tomorrow. Here is the kicker for me: he needs 7 days of antiobiotics. So we will be staying here as Pedi patients until Wednesday at the earliest, possibly Thursday.

During labor, I was given oxygen (which is totally normal for induced labors) to try to wake Micah up. His heartbeat was not bad, it just didn't vary at all. He was very still through the whole thing which is apparently bad. I had a fever while I was in labor. I also found out later that he had the cord loosely around his neck when he was born. My thought as a mother is immediately turned inward: "What did I do wrong this time?" I can be reassured that this had nothing to do with me, but I carried him for 9 months. Did I not wash my hands enough? I should have been better about taking my prenatal vitamins. My uterus had just stopped being a hospitable place for more children 2 babies ago. I joke, but I feel a stab of truth.

As a parent, you just don't realize how lucky you are to have wonderful healthy deliveries and children until something goes wrong. But hear me: I realize that are so many many worse things that could and have happened to people. This is very mild and odds are very high that Micah will leave here Wednesday without another care or concern in the sky. It still breaks my heart that my baby got sick and I couldn't do anything about it.

Looking back, it was all very terrifying those first few hours. You never know what could have happened if that wonderful experienced nurse didn't catch what was going on with Micah's breathing and whisk him away. She gave him antibiotics immediately-before we even knew an infection was the issue. And that very well prevented him taking a severe turn for the worse.

So, when I go home with my (aaah!) fourth child, things will not just fall back into place. A new baby always makes waves, but I have just assumed that Mr. Micah will just need to go with the flow. It never occured to me that our family might have to make a new flow to accomodate him.

There are so many people to thank for watching my 3 other precious babies while all this is going on. Whatever stress I am feeling, they are also experiencing. This hospital room is so small and while a visit is good, none of us are designed to accomodate living in a postage stamp. I miss them terribly and I know that we will not be at ease until all 6 of us are home.

And more guilt! I want to be around my kids but interacting with them all at once in a hospital room is not fun. They get on my nerves quickly and it disturbs me because I want to be with them so much. But then, they are also very standoffish because this is weird and different for them and they don't know how to process.

How can I say too that a small part of me enjoys the fact that Micah is being monitored in a nursery? I don't have to worry about him in between feedings. While all I want is for him to be with me, I am terrified of being the sole person responsible for him from here on out...how weird is that?

I say that I feel this whole debacle is somehow my fault. I know, I know. But I was talking to someone that pointed out that perhaps instead of being born too early, consider that he was born right on time. Who knows what would have happened had any more time gone by? A cord issue? A greater infection or sickness? I think what I need to learn from this is that this too is in God's plan. Instead of being scared for Micah's future, I should rejoice that he is here at the perfect time to prevent any major calamity. I realize that I am uber hormonal right now--the tears flow freely!--the only way I suspect I can deal with this is to trust the Lord that He has great plans for my little boy and He is keeping him around to grow and learn with us.

Thanks to everyone for their prayers and support, and don't worry, the heavy stuff is done for a while I hope. I think you will hear more very soon about my hotmess-ness in the momma-ing department. Four! Good Lord!

A couple of funny things...

Y'all check out Nathan's blog. He is SOOO funny to me. I realize this is probably why I married him (and really there weren't that many other takers! ;)) But that's ok. He cracks me up and that's all that's important.

Yesterday morning, I get up and Elisa goes: "Mommy, why is your hair always looking so messy?" So, what I wanted to say was "Have YOU looked in the mirror lately little girl?!". But the mom answer I gave was somewhere along the lines of "Mommy is tired and just needs a shower. This is what happens when you sleep without washing your hair". And then I went into my room and cried. :)

It almost seems like...

So, I promised Micah would be here, but come on guys--can I really make promises like that?!? I mean, he's a baby for crying out loud! He still gets to call the shots for a while. But when he emerges...then he'll really learn who is in charge! :)

Last week, the doctor said I was 4 cm dilated, 40% effaced. Any day was the verdict. All weekend I was CONVINCED he would come. I even got my breast pump out to try and hurry things along. NOT A SINGLE CONTRACTION. Not one. The end of pregnancy is a like a bad joke where you are suspended in time, waiting for a punch line that never comes. My friends have been so supportive and kind, but I get the feeling they are getting bored. Where is that baby you promised? I know you are fat and waddling and all, but where's the kid that's supposed to be in there? And my personal favorite: "Are you still pregnant?" Or, "Weren't you due last week?" Well duh...yes. Still pregnant. First clue? My swagger? And, no, not actually due until the 27th. I feel bad, though. Some women go past their due dates. I really don't have it that bad. And I am truly mentally okay. I keep gaining weight which is not cool and it is really hard to sleep, but by and large, I know that he will eventually get here. This is basically around the time that I had my other children: between 38 and 39 weeks. I think what gets me is that for the past 2 weeks I have been thinking any day (preggo ladies--37 weeks means nothing. you know this. just don't let yourself go there. you still have 15-20+ days. deal with it.). I am getting so used to this bloated, edge-of-seat existence it almost seems like...he doesn't really exist. Know what I mean?

Well, doc today says still 4 cm, but thinner and really really could be any day. But if not, Thursday it will be. This is my first time to actually be induced and I have to say I like the drama and the change of pace from other pregnancies. I am so tired I think I could be talked into anything. I was worried that it would take longer and be more painful, but the doc assures me that I don't need that much Pitocin. I am already halfway there and it is my fourth. I can get my antibiotics and plan where my kids will go. Should just jump start me and I should have a baby within 3 hours of drugs. That sounds like a plan to me. I go in Thursday lunch time, get the Group B Strep antibiotics and then get Pitocin at 4 pm. Have baby by 8 pm at latest. Get out of hospital by Saturday lunchtime. I am so cool with that. Let's just hope everything goes according to plan. Because babies do that, you know. ;)

Hard to find the time...

Greetings all! For those I haven't talked with lately, yes, we made it to New York and back! It was...interesting. The trip itself, I mean. It was lovely in New York. My sister-in-law's family is so hospitable and welcoming. Their wedding was wonderful. They live in upstate New York, and the county if beautiful. Totally like a painting. The food and fellowship was so good, I am looking forward to a chance to go back--maybe in the winter so we can ski!
Things I learned in the car on the way there and back:

• 3 children produce an amazing amount of urine in a 20 hour period
• we traversed 7 states (Texas, Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York), and of all 7, Ohio was the worst--it took 6-7 hours to bisect it--I mean, like, are we in another state yet or what?
• my kids are inevitably the most cranky when I am the most cranky
• lowest parenting moment: Yelling "shut up" at the top of my lungs at one point in Ohio (see bullet point #2)
• it is actually possible to do this--I feel much more comfortable planning a trip to say, Florida or California now that I know what to expect

In other news, I am 36 1/2 weeks and ready for this baby in about 2 weeks...hopefully he will be just like the other 3 and come b/t 38 and 39 weeks. Packed and ready to go. Carseat in the car. My van is like a little carseat carnival.

Current state of mind:

• My best girlfriend recently got engaged and I haven't had a chance to "dish" with her yet. I hate that my life is so crazy that we cannot connect. It kills me. Even as I write this blog, I have a child screaming in the background b/c he cannot get some toy to do what he wants it to.
• Just found out I am Strep B positive again for the 4th time. Really bummed as well because that means I have to be hooked up to antibiotics for 4+ hours prior to delivery. In my first and third pregnancies, I obviously didn't make it that long and they had to keep my babies an extra night in the hospital to screen them. They were obviously fine, but it is just another worry I don't really want/need.
• My hubby has been working A LOT lately...which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I am just getting anxious about impending labor/delivery coinciding with the start of fall/school. I hope our pace to life will change when Micah gets here because I am just feeling uber worn out. Na has to go to Houston Wednesday night just for an overnight trip but of course that is when I will go into labor, right? :)
• My oldest baby (she is only 4!) is currently on the Blanco river near Austin with my mother. She has been gone since Friday is coming back tomorrow (Tuesday). I know I should take advantage of being minus a child, but I miss her like crazy. She even sounds different on the phone. So grown up and able to handle being away from home for 5 days! I had a mental breakdown last night when I hadn't heard from her all day. I chalk it up to hormones, but I also feel bittersweet about my baby growing up. She starts PreK in 2 weeks. Sigh.

At this point, you probably will not hear from me until after Micah is born, but I will post pics when he arrives!

What is the world coming to?

Yes, yes...I realize my blog has been sorely neglected for two months. Give me a break--I'm bloated up to my eyeballs with my fourth kid. I mean, I have been doing stuff...not just sitting around and gaining weight (although do look notoriously like a whale on stilts). But seriously, pregnancy is torture. At this point, I am starving all the time, but my stomach is the size of a pea, so when I eat, I immediately become nauseous and fight the urge to purge. So, a bulimic whale on stilts. And physically speaking, I literally walk like a whale on stilts would walk. Defies all laws of physics. If I saw myself walking down the street, I would think, "how is that possible?" Seems likely I will topple over any minute. Anywho...

While there has been much going on in Casa Collins, for my return to the blogosphere, I wish to relate the most current event. This very day I had the most bizarre experience. My home phone rings at 9 this morning. Now, I know this is horribly suburban housewife of me, but I usually don't answer my home phone. I have a sneaking suspicion that it might be a telemarketer or creditor...isn't that sad? I thought it might be my husband because I had misplaced my cell phone (sneaking suspicion child is involved). I hear an accented voice greet me and then promptly ask me to verify that I have credit card debt. I am taken aback because I don't know this person and I don't need to tell them that I have/don't have consumer debt. Continues to ask me to verify debt. I ask, "why are you asking me this question?". I begin to hear the obligatory "I work for a company that can help you...". I have to be somewhere 5 minutes ago and neither myself nor my children are dressed. I don't think I was rude but I just said "we have consolidated and are not interested. Thank you.". And I hung up. The phone immediately rang again. I thought it might be a problem with the phone line so I immediately picked up the phone and hung up again. And the phone rings again. Thinking this might actually be husband, I answer. Get this: the little bugger has called me back!!! He proceeds to tell me that he was talking and I hung up on him! He begins to yell at me while I sit with my mouth open thinking "this is NOT really happening". He asks "can I talk now?". I still have my mouth open. He proceeds to tell me that with his program no interest is paid unlike with consolidation companies where interest rates are negotiated. He finishes his paragraph and I say "I have listened to you and I am still not interested. Hanging up now.". OKAY. Did this really just happen to me? Unfortunately, yes. I mean, where does this guy get off thinking he has the right to talk down to me? I realize that his job sucks (like majorly) but umm, did he really think I was going to suddenly change my mind and go "OMG! You are so right! You're program sounds awesome--sign me up--you are a telemarketing god--forgive me for hanging up on you--will you marry me and we can have lots of sex and babies?"

Moving on...I just want to briefly touch on my blog adjectives. I profess to be the HOT. MESS. MOMMA. HOT--Ok, not vanity. I am literally burning up. So. Hot. Physically. Skin is melting off. Night sweats. Burning desire to curl up and sit in freezer. Sadly impossible. MESS--Metaphorically a cute way to describe my inability to keep my thoughts together. However, again literal. My hair is unkempt, my house is littered with toys and cereal and spilt milk. Laundry run amuck. Dishes attracting bugs in the sink. So, not cute--messy. MOMMA--I have 3.8 children. Soon to be 4. He just needs to cook for about 6 more weeks.

Let's discuss aforementioned children. Primarily one: Ava Collins. I LOVE her with all my heart. She is my baby and probably the most like myself of all my children. But, I am going to use cyber space to safely say, in a loving way, that she is a kind of a mean-spirited little "beeya" sometimes. I cannot grasp what motivates her...perhaps a lack of control? The other day, she proceeded to take a decoration of her sister's and rip in to shreds. No apparent motive. Elisa was minding her own business. She then brings me this thing, with tears in her eyes: "Ava did this". Is Elisa prone to dramatics? Absolutely. Did she do anything to provoke this? No. Ava sometimes just has no remorse and takes delight and seeing others feel pain. She will bite her sister and brother when she is mad at them--leaving horrid marks. She shrieks when she is unhappy. Quite honestly, I just don't know what to do with her. I want to believe that this is a phase and she will grow into a lovely, well-adjusted adult, but I just don't know. She feels so very out of control in her personal life right now and I don't want her to feel lost. I want her to know she is loved, but I cannot find the right response when she is acting out. She makes me feel so helpless and angry. I search myself and parenting skills for what I am doing wrong or what inappropriate genetic code she has acquired. On a serious note, any encouragement or advice is greatly appreciated. She is mastering potty training right now--so that is a big life step. Mom is having baby #4 so she is going to shoved even farther into the family periphery (not necessarily true but I can understand the feeling of powerlessness). What does give me just a glimmer of hope is that while she is definitely the most vocal and involved child in our family, she is a wall flower in all her extracurricular undertakings. She runs under the radar in school, ballet, and swim lessons. She only acts like a serial killer in training at home. Hmm...isn't that what all the individuals in a serial killer's life say after the fact? "He/she was so sweet. Always so accommodating. Never suspected". Eek! My heart just breaks for her--I just want to help and yet feel so helpless on how to do so.

Upcoming life events:
*More busy summer. I literally get up at 7:30 am and crash at 8 at night. We do swim, ballet, Pump It Up, and have been traveling like maniacs. I am enjoying it, but I am so so tired. And, like I remind my dear sweet husband, while existing IN the world, my interactions WITH the world are nonexistent. Even much-needed phone calls to friends and family are difficult. There is always, always a child or two or three or four yelling for something (or for no reason at all) in the background that makes meaningful conversation virtually impossible.
*Leaving Tuesday for a two day trip to upstate New York. Celebrating brother-in-law's wedding. I am really looking forward to it. Will be gone a week. Hardest part is convincing mother that I will not birth baby on side of road. I will at least pick a Buckees or a Flying J. Sheesh.
*Taking a leave of absence from work this year. Going to do the FTSAHM (full-time stay at home mom) thing. A little frightened, but look at it as a growing experience. I still have plenty of time to do the career thing. I think I am probably going to turn into one of those uber-involved polished mommies. Will run the PTA and get on children's teachers' very last nerve with all my wonderful ideas for how to improve their teaching of my child. SIKE! But fun to daydream. I imagine most of my days will be spent trying to keep breast milk off my clothing and my hair from falling into my eyes and from getting too much baby spittle on my person. Will make carpool just 2.5 minutes late every day and will hide behind overlarge sunglasses. Will hope desperately children will succeed in school DESPITE having me a for a hotmessmother. :)

If I could reach out and give everyone (a politically correct side) hug--I would do it with open arms! I hope you all are well!

Moving Day!

We are getting a bigger place! Yay! I think we have broken a cardinal moving rule. We are just throwing things into boxes with the plan to sort and toss as we unpack. I think you are supposed to clean out as you PACK not as you UNPACK. Oh well...time crunch. We have been packing up a room a night and today our wonderful friends are coming to help us move furniture. Thank you thank you thank you! Somehow I manage to be pregnant literally EVERY TIME we move. Nathan thinks I do it on purpose but as I like to point out "You were there too sweetie!". We will post pics soon, but needless to say, we are overjoyed. I next challenge will be how long it takes us to unpack and get settled in the new place. I say July. That is kind of D-Day for a lot of things. Before we go to New York, the house will be settled, Ava will be potty trained, and Noah will be walking. Pray for me! :)

Why I feel like a FAIL...part 317

You know, being a parent does bring with it some amazing joys. Your children are a source of constant amusement and pride. However, tied up with all this joy and amazement are uncharted territories of guilt, worry, and despair.

Example one:
Elisa made a cute little pot for me for MOther's Day. She made it at school and tried to tell me about it while I was still working. I was very distracted and I promised her she would have my undivided attention when we got home. I hate to brush her off, but work is work. Well, we get home and as soon as she steps out of the van, she drops the pot and it shatters all over the floor! Now, I feel wracked with guilt because I did not give her the time to tell me about it and now it is gone! She is very upset, and I try to console her. I pick up all the pieces and assemble them to be superglued. About the time I get the second of about a million pieces glued together, Elisa has lost interest and found something else to do. Determined to finish, I get about 2/3 of the way through before giving up because my fingers are covered in superglue, broken pot, and dirt. I had to clip the glue off my fingers giving me very sore finger pads for 2 days. What was the lesson here? Listen to your kids or spend eternity worrying that you have ruined their lives and psyches.

Example 2:
Ava has never lost her lovey. Some parents may not choose to give their children loveys for this very reason. Lost loveys equals sleepless nights, tears upon tears, and parents searching the internet for replacements willing to spend hundreds of dollars to GET IT HERE TOMORROW!!! Elisa has lost 2 loveys and Noah has lost 2 loveys and he is just 1! Ava never has, and she is the one that uses and needs her lovey the most. Lovey has been missing fro 2 days. It is breaking my heart! Ava asks about it about 4 times a day, but she doesn't appear to be too upset just yet. I am losing sleep and hair over it. I cannot think about anything else except where it might be. What is the lesson here? My child will gorw up to be a criminal if I cannot find this thing ASAP!

Example 3:
Noah is by far my most challenging child. He needs a lot more attention than the girls ever did. And I can provide it, but sometimes he just cries and squirms for no apparent reason. Doesn't want to be held, doesn't want food, diaper is clean. And frankly, when he gets like this, it pisses me off. I don't know what to do and it makes me angry. Why can't I make him happy? Where did I fail? But what is most disturbing is how sometimes I just don't want to be around him...what kind of parent does that make me? What is the lesson here? Noah will grow up feeling unloved and turn away from us to join a cult when he is older.

FAIL! Times like these and I find myself wondering how I can do it at all. I am holding myself supremely responsible for my children's happiness. That's hard. I know I should lighten up a bit, but they are my babies, and what more can you want then for them to be happy? I think the problem is that I feel like I should always hold the key somewhere. Reality is, that cannot be. Starting even now, they have to learn rejection and loss and sadness that Mommy and Daddy cannot fix. I don't think this is sadistic, but rather a way of teaching us all that they are truly their own people with their own stories. Being able to let go and let your children become is really the lesson. Far out, huh?

Pasta, pasta, and oh yeah....

IT'S A BOY!!!!!

I truly cannot believe it. My intuitions have been absolutely wrong for every single child. I will say, however, that there were/are a lot of similarities between this pregnancy and my pregnancy with Noah. So, is it really neurotic that I feel disloyal and guilty towards the girl this child could have been? Yeah...I thought so. I just really really really wanted a boy. I haven't felt that strongly about any of my previous pregnancies. I have an obsession with even numbers, and this baby and Noah are going to share a room, so it just really really works out. I see how close the girls are, and I want that for Noah and this baby. Plus, it will be really easy to share clothes. Hand-me-downs the third time around are not so nice looking. I am just overjoyed. I don't think Nathan cared as much, but we are both thrilled the baby is healthy.

So, I also feel vindicated a little. I have been freaking out about how little I am feeling this baby move compared to the others. It seems like it took forever just to feel the baby period, and even now at 22 weeks, the movements are still muffled and spaced out to me. Well, come to find out, my placenta is in the front! Hell-o! I am so glad I am not a neurotic nut job! I mean, every baby is different, but this is my fourth showdown. I feel I should know a little bit about what to expect when. Something just felt off. I am glad to know it is nothing major.

I wish I had time to share more. Today has been crazy and I am off to a meeting at church with all 3 kids in tow. Nathan had a late meeting at work and I have 30 minutes to feed and change them all into their pajamas. Wish me luck!

I also just want to note that my very dramatic 4 year old burst into tears when we told her it was a boy. She wanted a girl baby so badly! I pointed out that she had a sister and now Noah would have a brother, but that did not assuage her sorrow. I then pointed at that we could name him Max (not going to happen) because she is OBSESSED with that show "Ruby and Max". She likes to pretend to be a baby like Max (more than a little bit annoying). Anyway, that cheered her right up. So...next battle to go: break the news to her that in fact, the baby will NOT be named Max. A little at a time...

PS and BTW...the title of this post came from the fact that every single one of my recipes this week and next involved some sort of pasta. No kidding. We are turning into noodles at my house! Quick to fix, but challenging to buy whole grain and organic in this town. Pasta is not all that great for you if it is the white/enriched kind. Oh well. I will be posting recipes on my other blog soon!

Oh yeah...pictures coming soon as well. We got a 4D sono this time--really cool!

He is risen indeed!

Happy Easter everyone! I love love love this time of year. I think a lot of it has to do with the change in seasons. But, I love the hope and joy that is celebrated in the Christian holiday of Easter. I mean, when you think about it, it is an even bigger deal than Christmas. He is no longer dead, the sky is no longer dark, the colors have changed to white and celebration! I just love it! And I love watching my children process as well. Elisa came with us to the Maundy Thursday service and watched the altar stripping. She saw it get dark and bare. And then Easter, she saw the flowers and the white dressings and she made a connection. She got excited...and frankly, that feeds my excitement!

Ok. Truth time. For those that are following my blogging habits, my Supper for Six blog is not going so well. I am pretty darn lazy. For real. It is really difficult to cook EVERY night for the fam. This just goes to show how much I need this accountability. And I also want to give a shout out to those that offered encouragement from my last post. I am learning more and more that there is this great "keeping up with the Joneses" conspiracy in America. We are probably all broke, but nobody wants to admit it. And I truly believe, those that are truly wealthy do not live flashy at all. They are frugal--that is why they are rich! We are trying. We are trying. I am even learning to love my minivan! :) I am working on this Supper thing, too. Send me recipes that you love (quick and easy much appreciated)! I will try them and post them! (Sidenote: I haven't forgotten you Lacy--I am going to get he BBQ meatball recipe from my friends. Promise! :))

Freak out moment: There are quite a few people I know of having babies July, August, September. And so far, all of them are having girls. This does not bode well. I have this theory that babies born in the same time frame are the same gender. I know--it doesn't make sense. Maybe in a vague "Chinese Lunar calendar" way. I need to get this out there right now--I really want another boy. I don't wish any harm to this baby, and if it is a girl--I love her already! But this is my last, and I want a brother for Noah. Get ready--I will grieve a little if it is a girl. I suppose that is selfish when you consider how many people want children and cannot have them. A child is a child and Nathan and I love it and welcome it. But I have this picture in my head of my two girls and two boys sharing rooms and being best friends. And this is the final installment. The family is finished after this. I have to come to terms with the fact that this "picture" may not be a reality and make adjustments. A girl does not mean she will be a spoiled diva; nor does it mean that I am a carbon copy of my mom. But the insecurity and fears are there. I am glad to be writing this out. As I am processing, I realize how silly I am being. I am grateful to have this experience once more. But I will say this--I am envious of the others that already know the genders of their babies. I won't find out until 22 1/2 weeks (April 27th) because Longview is weird.

Full disclosure

Greetings all! What wonderful weather we are having these past couple of weeks! I am on spring break! Yay! The title of this post is full disclosure because I feel it is time to come clean about certain things. Nathan and I are in debt. Massive amounts of consumer debt. While we agree that we have both contributed to this, I would argue that I am more at fault. I think that I just went through this selfish "crazy young adult" phase where I wanted anything and everything and damned if I could "afford" it or not. What is credit for anyway? Needless to say, everything quickly became a disaster. We are currently in a very deep hole and our credit is in the crapper. I am not sure what exactly changed in me, but I woke up one day and realized that this was not the legacy I wanted to leave my children. There is not going to be a magical windfall that will take care of it all. I/we are going to need to put our noses to the grindstone and take 4 years to really get out of this hole. We basically have zero credit. We are for the first time having to make ourselves live within our means. And it is not as hard as I thought it would be. I am learning painfully that there is no shame in saying "I can't afford that". Not for pity but to make yourself face reality. I can't live like I can afford to have new clothes each month and Starbucks everyday (sadness!) I can't go out to lunch and dinner even if it is "fast food" and not an "expensive sit down restaurant". Nathan and I have FINALLY decided to be grown ups and take care of business. And it is going to be hard. The disposable income is pretty much nonexistent. This brings me to my point: I have got to get back to planning my dinners/recipes/trips to the grocery store very carefully. I have to pay attention to what I spend. I can't live like I can afford all organic if I really can't. I can't say I am too tired and just pick up a pizza. That stuff adds up big time I am learning. Therefore, I am starting a new blog: http://www.supperforsix.blogspot.com/. I know, I know. Before you call me too self-indulgent just listen: this blog is going to be comprised entirely of recipes. As a way to keep myself accoutable, I endeavor to post each night what I made for dinner and what it cost and how long it took. It is primarily a means to keep myself motivated--I really don't care if anyone reads it our not. However, maybe I can encourage some other mommas out there and we can share ideas. It is incredibly hard to get a hot meal on the table every night of the week (and make it somewhat healthy)! But, I believe it can be done with some planning...and it will be a great way for us to save the moolah! Down with you debt--we will be in the black soon! :)

PS--Nathan changed the name of his blog. Wienie! We work with the youth at our church a lot and I think he was afraid he was a little too "racy" to be appropriate. I say, whatever. But you can follow him now at www.dodgegrandcaravandalism.blogspot.com.

Ta-Da!

Here's some news: Nathan and I are having another baby! And yeah, we really do know how it happens. I realize that you can only use the "it was a random fluke" excuse so many times, but we are going with it for the third time. I promise you, Elisa is the only baby we really "planned". I say that, but for those of you who know us, Na and I have never been real big on family planning. I know we are really granola, but I really like the organic-ness of just letting it happen. We are not gluttons for punishment, and we both finally feel really good about shutting it down after this one. We were a little uncertain after Noah, not sure if we wanted to stop there or go for one more--choice made I guess! I have to say that I was really shaken up when I first found out. We didn't tell our families until after my first dr. appt. at 11 weeks. My mom's feelings were really hurt that I didn't at least tell her.

4 is A LOT of kids. It borders on socially unacceptable. I didn't want to feel like a freak when I finally told people. It took me 3 months to warm up to the idea. And really, Nathan and I are joyful. Seeing the sonogram of this little 3 mm baby shaped thing flailing its arms/legs just does something to you. It's real. It's a person. It's goodbye to owning my body for 9 months. It's hello to sleepless nights. It is feeling like our family is finally complete.

I am 14 weeks tomorrow and I just told my boss this past Monday. I was really nervous about that conversation. He was definitely surprised. What was I expecting? People don't have more than 2 or 3 kids these days. Any more is just weird. And then there is that awkward feeling like you have to explain your reproductive choices. Pregnancy is not something that just "happens". There is a little awareness on the part of the parents. (Oh gosh--you mean I am not sprinkled with pixie dust at night by the "baby faeries" I let in through the open bedroom window? Nathan, you got some 'splaining to do! :))

So, by the way, my due date is August 27th. Let's decide which is the worst part about this date: it's the first week of school or the freaking hottest point of the summer? Pick one. Currently my frustration is the first week of school conundrum. I LOVE my job. Really. It challenges me. It is only going to get better next year since I actually have a fighting chance at knowing what I am doing. And then I tell my boss, by the way...count me out until October. So, not going to happen. I have to take unpaid leave which is fine, but I really care about my students and parents. It doesn't look good to have a teacher gone the first weeks of school. At this point, I am just going to do the best preparation that I can. I will try to get my ducks in a row, and knowing myself, I will be hauling my just had a baby self out of the hospital and back to work just to check and see how things are going! So, not sure of this particular shakedown, but God is good, right? I am just going to see what He has in store.

The others:
So, like, I still have 3 other living breathing kids to keep my occupied. Elisa just put my boots on and told me they were "fabulous". She is currently on the couch with a doll saying "Robot bear" to the doll over and over. Ava is getting taller by the second. She is still the one that I look at and think "there's a chance I took the wrong baby home from the hospital". However, she looks exactly like Nathan, except like a girl. Now that's weird. Feminine plus Nathan. Hmm. But it works. She likes to put on her dress up heels and click them as loudly as she can on the floor. And well, Noah? A little whiny that one is. He will let his opinion about certain things be know. He is a little high maintenance and kind of like a man diva (miva?) He is certainly very chill until there is something he wants (food, attention, the computer, crayons, anything the girls are minding their own business doing, etc.) and then he screams. He gets right in front of you and lets it rip until you tend to him. He will not be ignored. I think this is Darwinism in action. If he isn't demanding and loud, he would probably get left behind. Way to go Nature! But he is a cuddle bunny (albeit one currently obsessed with Dad and only deigns to be with Mom when Dad is gone). I am glad I nursed him for as long as I did. Some days I have to ask myself "did I hold him at all today besides moving him from place to place?" It's a shame. Baby #4, I apologize in advance. Pop out and hang on little one! You're lucky if you make it half an hour before getting stepped on, groped, spit up on, yelled at, or sat on. It's a sign of affection. Really.

It's been a long time!

Well friends, I hope that you are all doing well. I hope you haven't pined for my words of wisdom too much! (*wink,wink*) More like, words of pity, self-indulgence, and sarcasm! But before I indulge in self-loathing, I must say that I have missed blogging. It is so cathartic, like a semi-personal diary. Everything I write is a caricature of my real life--poking fun at the crazy situations I seem to find myself into.

Things have been very busy. Christmas was really wonderful and the break was much needed for everyone. It was good to see all the fam--my brother-in-law and sister-in-law to be flew in from DC, so it was awesome to see them.

We saw the Salters over MLK Jr. weekend. They are amazing friends, and I can't believe how much we, as adults, have "grown up" since meeting in the summer of '07. We have each had a kid, and we both find that it is hard to find that "chill time" we enjoyed in H-town.

Elisa turned 4 on the 11th, and we just had her party this past weekend. It was princess-themed and uber girly. She is beginning to write individual letters and she fascinates me every day.

Work is okay, and my kids are just growing before my eyes! I am learning how hard it is to "break into" a small town. Somedays it feels like I am just too different to ever win anyone's friendship or respect. I love my job and I am learning so much every day about how difficult it is to come into a position of leadership as a newcomer to a town and organization. Just because you have "book learning" doesn't mean people have to like you. Some days, I just feel like giving up and quitting and hiding at home. I should not feel so much anxiety at work that I can't just leave it there. The anxiety monster does not belong in my home. I have too much at stake to let fear and worry eat away at my heart.

On the other hand, I really enjoy my position and its challenges. I want to be a more professional and quality employee. I want to represent that woman that balances a career and caring for her family in the best and most positive way I know how. Like you have heard me say many times before, I want to be a career gal and a mom and part-time work suits me so well. I feel blessed to be where I am. My children are so happy and I am gaining so much experience. If I could just gain some confidence and butt all the peripheral things out of my head, things would be better. That will be the focus of my prayers this week....

Of course, I could just trade in my children for some serious moolah and work full-time...that could work, right? :) But you know what, I see my girls do things like sweetly share an ICEE completely umprompted, and then my son rushes to cuddle with me every day when I pick him up and I think "Maybe I'll keep 'em". The juggling act that is my life continues.....