Gratefulness

I started a women's Bible study at my church today. We are reading through Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity. We all agreed that the book is not what we were expecting (at least in the beginning). It seems to jump around a lot. However, one thing we did agree on was how all of us don't feel like we should be living the happy lives that we are. Someone mentioned they felt like they always lived "waiting for the other shoe to drop". That is exactly the way I feel! I feel like I don't deserve the life that I have and something bad must happen to me soon. Of course, this is just not the case, but it doesn't mean I don't have that insecurity. I just wanted to drop a line here and say how incredibly grateful I am to lead the life I do. I have 4 healthy children, a wonderful husband, a way to get around town and we manage to pay the bills on time. What more could one ask for?

I especially feel grateful for my children. There are so many people out there right now that are heartbroken from miscarriages or failed attempts to get pregnant. It doesn't seem fair that I got to have 4 with no problems! My heart goes out to these men and women and I truly wish them peace and patience. And, I am joyful for all the preggos out there! It seems like virtually everyone I know if having a bebe, and it is awesome! I absolutely don't want it any more for myself, but I am truly excited for all my friends: Baby Accord, Baby Braden, Baby Collins, Baby Dorand, Baby Patel, and Baby Salter! I can't wait to meet your little ones!

On a random sidenote, I am on the countdown to a new phone. My old phone crapped out in July and rather than spend the $50 to get a new phone through insurance, I bought a $30 gophone. I am due for a new phone in October. I thought I could easily wait 3 months. However, shortly after purchasing gophone, Ava dunked it in water so I had to buy another one! Now I have spent $60--does that even make sense?!? Anyway, gophones suck (it's a flip phone!) and texting is really old school now. I can't wait for an iphone or at least something similar!

Personal Growth, or, A Novella in 3 Parts

Introduction:
Let me just say that if you actually read all the way through this post, you deserve a medal of some sort. I realize that I am self-indulgent and long-winded. In my defense, I am not a scrapbooker or photographer in any way. My children don't even have baby books. This is my effort to record for my children what life was like when they were introduced into the world. It is my way of writing them a love letter. Of sorts. It is also like my little diary that you are privy to as well. Don't you feel kind of pervy? :) Ha!

Changes

I have always heard that the jump from two to three kids is always the worst. The joke is that you go from "one-on-one" defense to "zone" defense parenting. Ha! As with many things in my life, I tend to be a little different from the norm. Mainstream thinking does not become me (some would say). ;) I have to admit that the jump from 3 to 4 kids is way more difficult that 2 to 3 ever was. I have spent much time pondering this personal phenom. What makes my experience so different? I think for the past 4 years, even though I have had 3 children, they have all been loosely in the same developmental stage, so to speak. It has been a twin like mentality: someone had "the girls" (because they exist as one entity in our minds--not right!) and someone had the baby. But now, I find myself with "the girls" and 2 babies--which is much more difficult. I realize that there was a time when it was just Elisa and Ava and they were both "babies" but I find it hard to remember the particular difficulties of that time. For me, it has been deceptively easy to see my oldest through "rose-colored" glasses. She always seemed so capable of adaptation and rapid growth. Deal with a sister at 17 months? No problem. Communicate with my in full sentences by the time you are 2? Done. Play by yourself, dress yourself, feed yourself, and anything else by the time you are 3? Check and check. So, is she a wonder-child? I would of course argue yes, but to be fair, that might just be the proud momma in me talking! I was in such a hurry for her to grow up and she has a personality that is just all too happy to oblige. Enter child number 2, and then child number 3, and I learn lessons about how all children are not created equal. And I love it! Each one is so precious in their own way. But somewhere around when Noah was born, I realized that I really just had a house full of babies, not little adults. To come full circle, the introduction of yet another baby has been more difficult for us than ever before. We are not super-parents. Nor are we particularly gifted in parenting well. (I would argue the exact opposite, to be quite frank.) What I am learning is that Nathan and I are entering a different stage in our life where we begin to parent young children, not simply care for babies. And this distinction is very important. Elisa (and Ava a little too) is beginning to be involved in all those things that are somehow going to pad her college application: dance, soccer, piano, etc. ad nauseum. I joke, but we are only on the precipice now. We are just about to careen down that childhood mountain of extracurricular madness in full force. Because of this transition for our eldest, it makes caring for a needy infant that much more difficult. It is not just the waking up in the night, but the whole package: feeding and changing diapers about once an hour. Moving from bouncer to swing to carseat to arms trying to get the crying to stop. Planning not only errands but car pool and activities around a feeding schedule. It is really demanding. However, I do get the feeling that as soon as Micah gets mobile, we will reach a new equilibrium.

The New Equilibrium

Nathan and I recently had our first truly deep soul-searching conversation in a long long while. I describe a mountainous ledge above, but we are truly in a transitory state in a lives and marriage. We are not having any more children. Everyone has joked that we would never actually pull the trigger and make it permanent. I know you are all convinced we would rival the Duggars in multiplying powers, but believe it our not, we are done. Nathan had a vasectomy 2 weeks ago. He did well and he has to get checked in December to make sure all sperm counts are zero, but we are committed to no more kiddies. We both feel very good and at peace with this decision. That doesn't, however, mean we are not mournful or anxious about what is coming next. As silly as it sounds, I truly see myself turning into my mother. And I don't mean that statement to be derogatory. As we enter this next phase of life, our motivating factor day in and day out is our children, not ourselves. Up until now, I have been able to be selfish. Being pregnant and having young babies brings a lot of attention to yourself. People still ask "how are you feeling?" But I have a sneaking suspicion that is about to end. I am becoming invisible. I don't exist accept to be Elisa/Ava/Noah/Micah's mother, you know, the lady that is bringing snack to practice this week? Or maybe my role is room mother or party organizer or sunday school volunteer or purchaser of recital clothing. Insert job related to the activity of my child here _____________. Regardless, nobody much cares anymore what I think or how I dress, or speak, or what I drive. I am becoming that nameless, faceless MOM that I used to scorn. It is becoming apparent to me how easy it is to forget that I even exist as a friend, partner, lover, companion, or daughter. I just need to be the bill payer, grocery shopper, and child taxi. Not that I don't love all of these things or that I am trying to be particularly grumpy. But, you know, entering this unknown phase of life is just as scary as the first day of school, leaving home to go to college, getting married, or having your first child. Who Am I?

As Nathan and I discussed the challenges and joys of this new phase of life, I have to admit I am a little well, scared. Not apprehensive, just plain old scared. When my children go to college, will I still know my husband as the wonderful man I see him as now? More importantly, will I recognize myself? Will I continue to care for myself like it matters? Or, will I turn into a desexualized being that smiles in the right places and keeps the house running and makes sure the right number of children are in the car and driven to the appropriate place at the appropriate time. I hope not. But I already feel myself being dismissed by the larger public. I get tossed into the file cabinet labeled "MOM" in society's mind and that is that. Do I become a drabber version of myself? Or, can I find some way to grow more vibrant while tending to the demands of my children? I know one thing, I don't blame them. I want nothing more than for my children to turn into happy, caring, and responsible adults. And if they have to take little pieces of me to do so, so be it. But I will not stop seeking a way to escape the great "pigeon-hole". That is why I am the hot mess momma. Always bucking convention. :)

The Children In Question

Elisa: She is in the stage of questions. Way beyond my area of expertise. Things like: "Mommy, why did my fish die? Am I going to die? Why do you have hair on your bottom (why does she refer to everything south of the border as her bottom? It's called a vagina--I can say that, right? I promise we label things correctly in our house!) Will I get hair on my bottom? Why does your heart not look like the shape of a heart? Why won't my friend do what I say? Why? Why? Why? Mom? Mom? Mom?" Admittedly, sometimes I want to scream at her. I am a very busy person, can't you see? I am working on enriching your life so could you not talk to me for a while? Yeah, I see how ridiculously hypocritical this sounds. So, for my oldest love, I pray for patience and wisdom in answering every oh so important question. May I never be too busy for her.

Ava: I like to call this stage the echo stage. Her favorite color is Elisa's favorite color. Her best friends are Elisa's best friends. She wants to wear the same headband Elisa is wearing. I fully expect to hear one day: "Mommy, I just killed a man", followed by "Mommy, I just killed a man too!" in a bright, ever perky voice. I want her to develop her own friendships and her own likes and dislikes. I worry about her complete inability to focus. I will say "Ava, go get your socks.". "My socks?" (like she has never heard that word before). "Yes, on the floor." "On the floor?" she says while looking inside a drawer like she doesn't know what the floor is. It seriously concerns me and sometimes I want to just shake her. For my second love, I pray that I will never stop noticing her for the beautiful, intelligent, kind-hearted child she is. I pray she will find her own path and never measure her success or failure by what someone else has accomplished.

Noah: On the inside, this is a sweet, easy-going, bright child. On the outside, however, he can be a little pill. Yeah, I know no one believes me. But when he gets angry, he will yell and throw holy fits. He has thrown his sippy cup at me in anger. He yells at me. I realize that he is just one, but I don't want to set the precedent for him that you get what you want by screaming about it. Also, I am really sensitive to how he treats me because this is his example for how to treat women in general. For my third love I pray for patience to not get exasperated with him. I pray for a mindful spirit that will not forget how truly scrumptious and adorable he is on the inside. I pray that he won't ever feel lost or forgotten in this family.

Micah: I don't know a lot about his personality yet, but he is really relaxed. He does not cry all that much. And frankly, if he does, he gives up so easily. He is a wonderful sleeper (sleeping from about 8 pm to 4 am every night). Because he is my last one, even at a month old, I feel he has grown too much already. I want to keep him small forever. For my fourth love, I hope this attitude does not spoil/entitle him forever. I want to keep each moment of his life locked in my mind forever! I think my prayer for him is more a prayer for me right now. I need peace with the changes in my life and the resolution to not bring any more babies into the world. He is it, but he doesn't need to be on a pedestal. I want all my children to see how very very much they are loved by me.

Writing helps me get a handle on my day to day anger and frustration. It gives me a chance to sit back and remind myself how wonderful each of my children are. It is so easy to get put out and annoyed by "the little creatures". By publically posting my shame as a pitiful parent, I get to renew my decision to be a little more patient from here on out. This is my "time-out". And this particular one has been a long time coming.

So, does anyone know any agents or publishers for my book? ;)