Quick Update

So, I realize that my previous blog was a little bit dreary and or/suicidal....not to worry friends--I am alive and well. Venting actually helps quite a bit! :) And, my children have not been harmed by my hand. Hoo-rah! I still stand completely by my frustration and own it all. However, I hope that I did not come across as looking down on SAHM or full-time caregivers and teachers. I have a huge amount of respect for those women that fight the good fight each day at home with their kids as well as those that feel called to work with others' children. We certainly need quality caregivers. The point that I was trying to get across is that it is not for me, as well as my frustration that people think as a woman/mother child care is all you are qualified to do. Child care and teaching are REAL jobs as well. I just hate how this is my ONLY option if I don't want to hand my children over to day care 50 hours a week. Also, I hate how caregiving has a somewhat lower esteem and value in society's eyes. That sucks.

Pity Party

Every once in a while, I have these days that are so black I feel that I am suffocating. My breaths are shorter and shallower as I try to keep from hyperventilating. I feel like my life is pointless and I live in a very deep dark hole. I mean, I get that I am worth something to my husband and children, but frankly, that in itself is not always satisfying. My children are lovely, but they just take, take, take. I can't ever find 5 minutes to myself to keep the nauseating anxiety at bay. Some days it seems I just can't satisfy them. They want to be within a 3 inch radius of me and whatever I am doing at all times. Have you ever tried washing dishes, doing laundry, breastfeeding with two extra people literally attached to you? I have tried to just drop what I am doing and give them one-on-one, but it doesn't always work. They feel clingy and uncertain about this move as much as I do. I need a job!!!!! But I don't really know how to get one...When anyone hears that a SAHM wants to work part-time, they automatically think child care. I don't want to spend days watching other peoples children!!! "Oh, she just wants to get out of the house and earn a little extra cash". I am SICK of it. I want a job. A real live contributing member of society job. But I want one that doesn't demand 40-50 hours a week from me. Just 20-30 b/c I HAVE to have something left for my family as well. But people say, your children need you at home. It is enough that you are just there. REALLY?!? How am I serving my children when I am angry, depressed, and yelling at them all day out of frustration?!? I need another outlet to be a better parent. Do I have to sacrifice patience to parent because the work force needs me 50 hours a week? Do I sacrifice my sanity to be with my children ALL THE TIME? I just can't take it!!!!! I really wish there were more options for women than corporate America vs. full time childcare. Why can't we make it both? Why can't businesses see how much women bring to the table and create jobs that are accomodating for mothers with families? I love love love my children but that shouldn't translate into being with them EVERY second. I am no good to them if that is the case. Their whines and idiosyncracies stop being cute and just make my skin crawl. Does admitting this make me a bad mother?

Like the title says: Pity pary. This is my outlet to word vomit. When I get up from here I will back into the trenches and pick the screaming two year-old off the floor and hold her until she stops being mad that I went into the other room. I will deal with my three year-old throwing a fit as I patiently watch her pick up all the toys she has literally strewn about the house (it will take a good hour I assure you). I will also have to force her to actually get dressed (a bathing suit and ballet shoes is her particular outfit of choice but it is starting to smell--3 days in a row now it has been worn!) I will unload the dishwasher and fold the laundry that I have been putting off all day b/c looking at it piled up all over makes me ill. I will comfort my infant that is wailing b/c his nap was interrupted. I will not burst into tears as the extreme feeling of being overwhelmed I am trying to surpress threatens to explode. Instead I just word vomit into the world wide web and hope for a pitying ear. And maybe a stern talking-to. After all, who likes a whiney baby?

My humiliation knows no bounds; or, alternatively, I am the envy of all!

So, it turns out I do not need a cast--yay! no surgery, no drama, hoo-rah! However, I do get to wear a very stylish orthopedic shoe for a month--hence I am the envy of all. I am really afraid to leave the house in case someone tries to assault me and take my shoe. I will post pics soon...but seriously, stay away. It's not for sale.

As a one-legged woman, I try to stay away from venues that require a lot of walking. However, I had to go get my prescription for Vicadin filled. At the Target. Once I realized how much hobbling on my crutches that was going to take, I began to rethink the plan. I was already there so I did what I had to do--got one of the handy little carts that they provide for the differently abled. And so began my humiliation. It's funny, I have had 3 children and my girl parts have been on display for a team of medical people, and yet this experience on the cart was my most embarrassing to date. People stare at you. On the plus side, you get a very pleasant breeze as you zoom along. PS and BTW, it does, in fact, beep (LOUDLY) when you back up.

Getting to know Longview better. Still miss our friends and our church like crazy.

Call me "Hop-A-Long"

So................I broke my foot. What else can I say? I am not a klutz or accident prone, nor do I generally participate in unsafe activities. I didn't trip or get crushed by anything. I simply love heels too much! I rolled my ankle in one of my heels and heard a crack. 10 minutes later, I couldn't walk on it. Fastest ER trip in the world (I was in and out in 2 hours!)...I came home in a splint and with crutches. Going to orthopedist tomorrow morning--don't know if I need cast, surgery, etc. Just need to be able to walk. Can't move while holding anything except my crutches. Oh, and I guess this means I will need to postpone the job hunt. Good grief!

Hello from Longview!

Well friends, we are finally "moved in" but I wouldn't say "settled". It just doesn't quite feel like home. I have had mild panic attacks the past few days. You know that feeling where you simultaneously want to vomit and/or cry uncontrollably? I keep wondering when I am going to feel righted again. I feel lost, lonely, and fat. Anyway, enough boo-hooing. I just really really really really really need to find a job. Either I am going to kill my children or they are going to kill me. Either way, someone's going down.... ;)

Things I have learned about Longview:

• It's small
• The library sucks
• The grocery stores suck
• They recycle! and they provide everything you need to do so... :)
• There are 3 Starbucks
• One is in the only Target in the city
• The mall is the saddest place I have ever been (or, as Nathan likes to call it, "The Place Where Dreams Go To Die", Inc.)
• If you need some sort of service done in your house or on your car it is fast and prompt. No waiting for someone between the hours of 8 and 5. They come when they say they will.
• If you want drive thru or to-go--you will be waiting a while. Literally. so. slow.
• Yeah, they all have an accent.
• There are two chick-fil-as
• And apparently, a "gathering of old men" takes place Friday mornings in one of them to provide a forum for bitching about whatever they read in the paper
• Every single person I have met so far has been kind and encouraging and full of helpful information

Past and forthcoming events of interest:

Ava ran off once when I was at the Target (I go at least once every two days. Surprised they don't know me by name now. I imagine they have our pics up in the work room and they snigger as they make up stories about why I look shifty and desperate each time I come in. But I digress.) They actually had to close off the store. No one in or out until she was found. It was full alert. I was terrified. They found her in the toys thank God! Then I switched to feeling morified. Ah well, I provide excitement as a rule...

However, there is this lingering feeling about living in a small town. I know that I will run into people again. So, there is no hiding or melting into the masses. When I am in public, I want to be extra careful about how I come across because I may totally see these people again and again. Same reason I will probably never honk my horn in anger. Perhaps that is a good thing.

We are coming to Houston tonight. Ava is getting tubes in her ears and her adenoids removed tomorrow. It is a surgery and she goes under general anesthetic with an IV and heart monitors, etc. Kind of freaked out. Kind of really freaked out. I know it is routine, but still it is MY baby. I have to remind myself this is for the best b/c she will stop getting sick and start feeling better.

Well, my love to you all. Drop us a line or visit sometime:

3007 Gilmer Rd.

Longview, TX 75604