So, two things:
1) My children always seem to know when I go to the bathroom. They can be in the other room, but when I go to pee, they materialize to watch. I suppose it is developmentally healthy. Particularly since I want the older one potty-trained so badly! The other day, my 3 year old asked me what I was doing on the potty and I explained that I was going "pee-pee on the potty", and she said "Good job, Momma!". And she clapped. What can you say, really?
2)My house is diseased. We have gone over a year without any medication in our home. 3 weeks ago, both children ran a fever. Doctor said viral and nothing to be done. 1 week later, 3 year-old gets ear infection. The next week, younger one has ear infection and sinus infection. That happened Monday. 3 year old has just finished antibiotics. Guess who runs a fever today? The 3 year old again. Just a virus and no meds needed now. However, if it turns into an ear infection, there is nothing to prevent it. I love playing "pass the fever"!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Hormones
Friends, you have always known me as someone who is a fan of pregnancy. It is a beautiful thing, and I don't ever want to take for granted how easily it occurs for some or how difficult it is for others. I joke about "just having a baby" with all my newly married friends. I don't know if it is the third pregnancy in general or just the fact that I have had 3 pregnancies in 4 years time, but this one is HARD. My hormone levels must be off the charts. I find myself weepy and sad much of the time. I feel endless amounts of guilt that I cannot muster up as much enthusiasm for my little boy as I did for my girls. I hardly interact with my husband beyond "hi", "bye", and "will you please clean?". I have no energy and want to spend most of my time in bed. I am short with my girls and find myself drifting directionless throughout my days. I don't really enjoy much of anything, and that is so scary. I hate that I don't feel like myself. My other pregnancies were empowering for me. They brought joy and excitement to mine and Nathan's life. I can't figure out why I feel so differently this time around. I understand that so much of this is probably just the hormonal imbalance of pregnancy compounded by the fact that I have a preschooler and a toddler to care for; and it doesn't help that I am not sleeping well. However, I still can't shake the feelings of guilt that I owe more to my children then what I am currently offering. They are only this age once and I should be more present in their daily lives instead of existing in this "zombie-like" state. Nathan says that I feed myself horribly negative messages and that I have some kind of "imaginary measuring stick" for how a mother should be that I always fall short of. I keep thinking that if I can just get it together maybe I will feel happier?
My worst fear is that I will look back and feel a deep sense of remorse for missing precious happy times with my children b/c I was too consumed with restlessness and sadness. I don't get a "do-over". And I have been perfectly aware of all my life choices. If I don't regret any of them...why do I still feel so much discontent?
I do think there is an element of spiritual warfare here as well. As a young mother, I DO think we are given false images of what life is supposed to look like--namely where you live, what you drive, and how much disposable income you are supposed to have. Since we clearly don't look like that family or that family, then something must be lacking in our lives. And that, unfortunately, is a lie and not from God.
Well, mellow rant tonight. But I am so encouraged to be back blogging and crafting this little webpage to be my personal safe space. I hope you are all doing well my friends.
My worst fear is that I will look back and feel a deep sense of remorse for missing precious happy times with my children b/c I was too consumed with restlessness and sadness. I don't get a "do-over". And I have been perfectly aware of all my life choices. If I don't regret any of them...why do I still feel so much discontent?
I do think there is an element of spiritual warfare here as well. As a young mother, I DO think we are given false images of what life is supposed to look like--namely where you live, what you drive, and how much disposable income you are supposed to have. Since we clearly don't look like that family or that family, then something must be lacking in our lives. And that, unfortunately, is a lie and not from God.
Well, mellow rant tonight. But I am so encouraged to be back blogging and crafting this little webpage to be my personal safe space. I hope you are all doing well my friends.
Confessions of a bad mommy
I read this article the other day about the natural tendency of children to be generous and helpful. And how we as parents work diligently and subversively to squelsh this nature--without even realizing it. The next day...real life example:
My children love the pantry cabinets. Yes, they have hoards of actual TOYS, but they love to pull things out of the kitchen cabinets and leave them on the floor. Particularly when I am cooking dinner b/c they like to be in the room with me. Of course I had an unsealed bag of sunflower seeds within their reach, and yes, they ended up on the floor. Trying to keep my cool, I proceed to remove my children from the room and sweep up the seeds. Elisa, my 3 year-old, wants to help clean. She gets our mop and proceeds to shove the seeds around. I tell her to get her toy vacuum cleaner instead. Compliant, she bustles off, and I put the seeds into a nice pile that I am about to scoop into the dustpan. As I bend down, a little plastic Dirt Devil rams into the dustpan and flings the freshly collected seeds hither and yon. Now, you mommas out there, please don't judge me, but I LOST IT with her! I was so close to having my floor clean and I lost rational judgement. I screamed at her, put her in her sad chair, yanked her vacuum away. Then, of course, conviction and dawning set in. She just wanted to help. She wanted to get up close and personal with the action and I wanted to push her away from it. Help, but not too closely. "Pretend" to pick up. Do anything but do it away from me. What kind of learning is that? She knows the difference between real help and fake help. She truly just wanted to clean up in a real way. And I squelched it. Took that generous nature and bruised it. And it breaks my heart. Yes, I apologzied. We talked about it. We found something else to clean. But do I worry that she will not offer to help sweep again? Yes. Am I going to mark this episode on my heart and do my best to nuture her sweet helpful spirit? You bet. I am going to try.
My children love the pantry cabinets. Yes, they have hoards of actual TOYS, but they love to pull things out of the kitchen cabinets and leave them on the floor. Particularly when I am cooking dinner b/c they like to be in the room with me. Of course I had an unsealed bag of sunflower seeds within their reach, and yes, they ended up on the floor. Trying to keep my cool, I proceed to remove my children from the room and sweep up the seeds. Elisa, my 3 year-old, wants to help clean. She gets our mop and proceeds to shove the seeds around. I tell her to get her toy vacuum cleaner instead. Compliant, she bustles off, and I put the seeds into a nice pile that I am about to scoop into the dustpan. As I bend down, a little plastic Dirt Devil rams into the dustpan and flings the freshly collected seeds hither and yon. Now, you mommas out there, please don't judge me, but I LOST IT with her! I was so close to having my floor clean and I lost rational judgement. I screamed at her, put her in her sad chair, yanked her vacuum away. Then, of course, conviction and dawning set in. She just wanted to help. She wanted to get up close and personal with the action and I wanted to push her away from it. Help, but not too closely. "Pretend" to pick up. Do anything but do it away from me. What kind of learning is that? She knows the difference between real help and fake help. She truly just wanted to clean up in a real way. And I squelched it. Took that generous nature and bruised it. And it breaks my heart. Yes, I apologzied. We talked about it. We found something else to clean. But do I worry that she will not offer to help sweep again? Yes. Am I going to mark this episode on my heart and do my best to nuture her sweet helpful spirit? You bet. I am going to try.
Sheepish...AGAIN
So, noticing a trend with my frequency of posts? I promise this time it is going to get better...well, wishful thinking is better than giving up, right?
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