Follow up

It cannot have been 4 months since last blog! It cannot! But, sadly, it is true. So, let's address what has happened in that time.

1. Operation potty training has lost steam. I need prayer. My child will be in high school and I will be making trips to the school to change her. That is a gross, gross thought.

2. House has not leased. Decided not to lease, but still have it on the market to sell. The economy is really scary right now, and we need to sell our house. We could live a lot more cheaply if we rented inside the city. Most of our activities take place inside the loop, and we can save so much gas if we are located nearby.

3. Love job with church nursery. Many changes still to be made!

4. Big news: operation birth control lasted about a week and a half. So of course it follows that we are, in fact, pregnant again. I am due April 25th, and I am finally excited about it. It took a while, just thinking about the ramifications of three children under three. But you know what? We are young, and I want to enjoy being with my children as much as I can while they are young. Which leads me to...

5. I am quitting my job at the school as soon as A) our house sells or B) Easter. Whichever comes first.

There is so much more to say. But, my two year old needs milk. I promise I am going to take this blog seriously from now on. Give me a day or two to collect some pics to post, and then I will share more.

Things she carries - updates

1. Have decided to go on birth control for at least 6 months. Decided not ready for another baby just yet. I know everyone I love just gave me a mental "duh".

2. Have begun operation: potty training with two year-old. I would not say that it is going well.

3. Have decided to try and lease house.

4. Have accepted another part-time job with church as Childcare Coordinator. Have an amazing schedule for fall. Will have 2 days a month to spend time with husband sans children. YES!!!!

5. Still not super passionate about jobs but LOVE the schedule. Don't have to do it for longer than a year. I am going to make the most of it and hopefully love it, but I am an administrator and manager in my heart. It is what I love to do. Social work is the field my heart loves, and I hope I can keep that perspective this year with these different jobs.

hotmessmomma learns humility - part deux - the library

So, when you make that leap from one child to two, you suddenly realize what bliss your life was with just one. Things automatically take much longer with two. For instance, there is no "let's just get out of the car and do this one quick thing". Oh, no, that is a dream no longer realized. No where is this more apparent to me than the library. Let's say that you just want to return a book and check a couple more out. You think to yourself, "I don't need the double stroller. I am running in. I can carry the infant and let the toddler walk". That's the first problem. Inevitably, the toddler finds a corner to squat and poo into her diaper, thus stinking up that section of the library. In addition, the infant will start pulling books off the shelves. The toddler will notice the fun game that has been created and will join in. Madly, you look at the check out line--it's 6 people deep. What's this newfangled gadget? A self-checkout machine? "I can handle that" you say to yourself. However, you must put down the infant and let go of the toddler's hand. Inevitably, the machine is from the devil, so it takes a while to figure it out. Meanwhile, the toddler and infant have begun a "get on your hands and knees and screech and laugh while chasing each other" game. The librarians are giving you stern looks and you hastily gather up your books and babies. Just as you think you are home free, you are stopped by a librarian asking you if you put the tabs on your books that you checked out. You think "what the h*ll is he talking about?" He gives you a look like "another idiot". It's not my fault, I mean, I think the DEVIL created that checkout machine! Regardless, he must re-check out your books, and you must let go of the toddler's hand once more. As you finish up, you scan the doorway looking for her. You get a little worried when you don't see her at first, then you lay eyes on her in the corner. She is sitting on a thick velvet rope held fast between two metal posts (akin to what is used to demarcate a line at a theater). And then she says "Look momma! A swing! I swing on swing!". And you say "Yes, baby. It's a swing. Let's go". And you leave. Quickly. And make a mental note to never return to this particular branch again.

Things she carries

So lately I have been consumed with worry about things I have no control over.

Issue #1:
My husband and I have credit card debt, and while it is not ghastly, it is enough to chap my rear and drive me bonkers! I want it gone! So, we have decided to cut the cards, number 1, but we have also decided to put our house on the market. We want to cut down on our monthly expenses so that we can have more to pay towards our debt. I recently got a small part-time job offer that will certainly bring in more income but not take my husband or I away from our girls for any longer during the week. What an amazing blessing! However, location-wise, we need to get our house gone. So, the same day, a woman knocks on my door and asks to rent our house. Rent, mind you, not buy. We hadn't considered it, but now I wonder--what does it mean? If everything checks out, is this "God's hand"? It is kind of a risky thing to do...

Issue #2:
I am wondering when and if to have more children. Yes, I have two, but remember, I come from a family of 5 children. Having more does not scare me. It is trying to figure out the timing that scares me. My first two children kind of happened to me. My husband and I got married in college and had babies right after. We are now officially "grown-ups". I sped through those "young" and "married" phases rather quickly. I am for the first time looking at my life and wondering what I really want to do with it. Can't take back the kids, nor do I want to. But I also don't want to continue just "speeding through life". If I am in the middle of raising babies right now, it makes sense to just continue to "pop them out" and then tie things up when we're done. But what's next? I am always going to be the youngest parent in my children's friends' circle. Once I have my third or fourth child, I really am done with the baby stage. And I love the baby stage. I almost feel like the excitement of the freshness of my life is over. And I feel taken aback by that. I want to have a career outside my children, but I am terrified about who I will be when they grow up and leave. I guess I don't feel like I truly gave myself a professional personality, and I don't feel comfortable outside my children. And I want to. However, I want more children. Doesn't it make sense to have them now, so that I can allow myself to move on and develop my career when they are older instead of waiting until the time is just magically perfect to have #3 or #4? Or, will having another child be the absolute worst thing I could do at this point in my life? Will I get overwhelmed? Am I already?

As anyone who even made it through this diatribe can see, I have never really journaled before. Being an LMSW, I should know how cathartic it is, but I am really surprised. I feel, at least, that a burden is lifted by releasing my thoughts out into the wild. For some reason, I feel that our future as a family rests on what we choose to do with this next year (be it baby, moving, paying off debt, accruing debt, buying a car, buying two cars, all of the above, and so on and so forth). That is a heavy burden for me to bear...

hotmessmomma learns humility - entry 1

My two year old recently said, "Momma. It's yucky. Right here. It's yucky". She was pointing to my unforgivably stubbly legs. Touching the prickliness and saying, I repeat, "It's yucky". She's right. And I am embarrassed.

Shed 10 lbs -- of GUILT!!!

Have you ever had one of those days where it seems guilt just gets comfortable and snuggles into your neck and shoulders and takes a nap? That lasts all day? Perhaps all week? Here is what I constantly battle as a stay-at-home/career-driven/financially motivated mom: that I am never at any given time doing the right thing. My current list of worries:

1. Overdrew the f***ing bank account for the third time this month. To buy pizza. Pizza! That I shouldn't have been eating in the first place. If I had to listen to the kids whine for even 5 more minutes in the car...so, I saw a sign for 2 for the price of 1 pizzas, and I caved. And gained 5 lbs.

2. Child woke up in middle of night last night so was holy terror today. Afraid that child might suffer adult onset hysteria due to my short patience and blatant annoyance with her all day.

3. I HAVE GOT TO LOSE 20lbs !!!

4. House is a filthy, rotten mess. No sooner do I pick up the toys then they magically appear in another room. Did I mention house was currently on the market (for sale)?

5. Employer for small part-time job wants to discuss "my future" with the company--asap. Ack! What the h*ll does that mean?

6. Must turn in 2, concise 800 word articles for local magazine. In 2 weeks.

7. Need to potty-train 2 year-old.

8. Must decide whether current part-time job at preschool is personally fufilling enough to stick with it. Hmm. It's not. However, must make money...

9. Yes, we are in debt. Credit card debt. Due to many things, mostly my love for Target and Starbucks.

10. Started a career in real estate hoping to help pay these credit card bills. It hasn't. Not yet. People keep screwing me over.

11. Must remember to kindle some kind of intimacy with husband.

12. In the process of buying a car. Looking for the perfectly priced, pre-owned minivan. Personal cool factor in the negative numbers. Will replace current car. Only car.

Feeling guilty for feeling guilty. Ate too much, didn't love on my children enough, failed to find meaningful job, nor did I take care of anything mentioned above, and so on and so forth...

But, I stop myself here. This was a look at the negatives, the evil, evil GUILT. Guilt (to be distinguished from conviction-knowing you have wronged and seeking to right that wrong versus the above-mentioned guilt) has no place in my life and certainly should not get comfortable. And thus the reason for the blog. If I give voice to the things that weigh me down, they no longer have a silent power. And I could say, this is an opportunity for personal growth, blah, blah, blah....But I will not say that. These are big things. And having these worries kind of sucks. But, I feel certain that other women carry similar concerns. And, I would say, we have enough on our plate without having guilt hibernating on our backs for the winter to weigh us down. By and large, isn't life joyful? I have never looked at my child and said to myself "I regret that". Let it go, ladies. Let it go.