New life!...and more guilt

Well...he does exist! Micah Martin Autry Collins made his entrance into this world at 11:05 pm on Wednesday, August 18th. Everything about this birth has been different than my previous 3. There are so many things I am experiencing it is hard to know where to start.

I think the most pressing thing is that Micah had a rough start entering this world. Even when you do everything right and are presenting as low-risk, things can still go wrong.

I was set to be induced Thursday the 19th. Wednesday afternoon, of course, my water broke. This was very exciting for me because I have never had my water break and this was a "cool pregnancy thing" to experience my last time around. I have a theory about my kids and Wednesdays anyway (Elisa, Noah, and now Micah were all born on Wednesday nights. And I still have guilty thoughts about "forcing" Ava out on a Sunday of all days!). I kind of always knew it would be this Wednesday. Anyhow, I am Group B Strep positive and there is an increased risk of infection for the baby when your water breaks. It can be very serious if it isn't caught. I was GBS + with all my kids, but my water was never broken until I delivered, so I never really thought about its seriousness.

I got to the hospital within 45 minutes of my water breaking and got put on antibiotics to prevent infection. Not a single contraction. At 7 pm I was given pitocin. For about 2 hours, nothing really happened. They tried to get the dosage right, I had a few intense contractions here and there but nothing other than I was just getting tired. They check my dilation and I had moved half a centimeter. I really felt that this time around, I wasn't interested in proving anything to anyone by being a pain warrior and I kind of asked for an epidural. My nurse (who by the way was unequivocally wonderful--love love loved her!) suggested trying a relaxant through my iv first. She seemed to think once my contractions came regularly, I would progress very quickly.

She was right. From 9 pm to 1015 pm I dilated 4 to 7 and the drugs were awesome. I went to my focused place and asked for more of the relaxing drugs. By 11 pm I was at 9 cm and ready to push. My wonderful husband is a birthing champ. He told the nurse when we came in that when I started screaming for drugs and yelling at everyone about the pain that meant it was time for the baby to be born. We laugh now, but he has been right every time. I started yelling at the top of my lungs for someone to put me out of my misery. At that point the doctor appeared, I was flipped on my back and I just pushed that little sucker right out. It was very quick, but I just want to point out--it hurt. A lot. It doesn't matter that it just hurt for 15 minutes. That is a 15 minute window where if someone offered to kill me I would let them. My sweet hubby mentioned later that he had a very hard time not laughing at me at points. I guess he has seen the same thing so many times, but each time to me it is like tunnel vision--I forget everything except the god-forsaken pain.

My first thought about Micah was "Wow. He is small". I made sure he looked healthy and was breathing, but honestly, I think the drugs still had me a little woozy. It was hard to focus. They gave him to me, and I realized that he was making a weird noise. He was grunting repetitively and wouldn't try to latch on at all. The nurse told me that he was in respitory distress and promptly snatched him away to the nursery. Still befuddled, I don't think it hit me until I was sewn up and sitting semi-alone that I realized something was really wrong. We didn't know for a couple of hours what had happened. He was put in the NICU and given oxygen, antiobiotics, and a saline drip because in addition to having trouble breathing, his blood sugar was very low.

We couldn't hold him all night but we did get to see him. We kind of sat in limbo until we saw the pediatrician Thursday morning. His blood work made it look like he had an infection. But, it could very well be that he was pre-term (my due date wrong) or some other issue. We would have to wait. I could nurse him, but he had to stay in NICU. He did get off oxygen, but had to stay monitored and on IV for blood sugar. We were hoping all was well and he would be released to me Thursday night.

Later bloodwork showed that he did indeed have an infection and a rather serious one. It was okay because he had been given antiobiotics immediately, but he was one sick little boy. All day Thursday (and through the night) he was weaned off his IV a little at a time. Finally, this morning, we have been able to take off his monitor to feed him. We spoke to the doctor this morning and all looks good. The treatments given have been working and he is successfully off his IV. He can be released to my room to eat, but needs to go back to the NICU in between to be monitored at least until tomorrow. If everything goes well today with him and bloodwork looks good this time, he will be released from the nursery and turned into a pediatric patient tomorrow. Here is the kicker for me: he needs 7 days of antiobiotics. So we will be staying here as Pedi patients until Wednesday at the earliest, possibly Thursday.

During labor, I was given oxygen (which is totally normal for induced labors) to try to wake Micah up. His heartbeat was not bad, it just didn't vary at all. He was very still through the whole thing which is apparently bad. I had a fever while I was in labor. I also found out later that he had the cord loosely around his neck when he was born. My thought as a mother is immediately turned inward: "What did I do wrong this time?" I can be reassured that this had nothing to do with me, but I carried him for 9 months. Did I not wash my hands enough? I should have been better about taking my prenatal vitamins. My uterus had just stopped being a hospitable place for more children 2 babies ago. I joke, but I feel a stab of truth.

As a parent, you just don't realize how lucky you are to have wonderful healthy deliveries and children until something goes wrong. But hear me: I realize that are so many many worse things that could and have happened to people. This is very mild and odds are very high that Micah will leave here Wednesday without another care or concern in the sky. It still breaks my heart that my baby got sick and I couldn't do anything about it.

Looking back, it was all very terrifying those first few hours. You never know what could have happened if that wonderful experienced nurse didn't catch what was going on with Micah's breathing and whisk him away. She gave him antibiotics immediately-before we even knew an infection was the issue. And that very well prevented him taking a severe turn for the worse.

So, when I go home with my (aaah!) fourth child, things will not just fall back into place. A new baby always makes waves, but I have just assumed that Mr. Micah will just need to go with the flow. It never occured to me that our family might have to make a new flow to accomodate him.

There are so many people to thank for watching my 3 other precious babies while all this is going on. Whatever stress I am feeling, they are also experiencing. This hospital room is so small and while a visit is good, none of us are designed to accomodate living in a postage stamp. I miss them terribly and I know that we will not be at ease until all 6 of us are home.

And more guilt! I want to be around my kids but interacting with them all at once in a hospital room is not fun. They get on my nerves quickly and it disturbs me because I want to be with them so much. But then, they are also very standoffish because this is weird and different for them and they don't know how to process.

How can I say too that a small part of me enjoys the fact that Micah is being monitored in a nursery? I don't have to worry about him in between feedings. While all I want is for him to be with me, I am terrified of being the sole person responsible for him from here on out...how weird is that?

I say that I feel this whole debacle is somehow my fault. I know, I know. But I was talking to someone that pointed out that perhaps instead of being born too early, consider that he was born right on time. Who knows what would have happened had any more time gone by? A cord issue? A greater infection or sickness? I think what I need to learn from this is that this too is in God's plan. Instead of being scared for Micah's future, I should rejoice that he is here at the perfect time to prevent any major calamity. I realize that I am uber hormonal right now--the tears flow freely!--the only way I suspect I can deal with this is to trust the Lord that He has great plans for my little boy and He is keeping him around to grow and learn with us.

Thanks to everyone for their prayers and support, and don't worry, the heavy stuff is done for a while I hope. I think you will hear more very soon about my hotmess-ness in the momma-ing department. Four! Good Lord!