Hard not to feel depressed, but there's hope

Friends, I have recently come to the conclusion that I am not a good employee. This may have been glaringly obvious to most of you, but it is a shocker to me. Having a career has been very important to me since I graduated college, and I try to put my best into my job. I know that I need time away from my kids to serve them better, but that doesn't take away from my desire to be a good employee. It has recently occured to me that my children might be the reason for my job troubles. I have to find a sitter every time I go to work. This can be challenging. What if that person is sick or has her own children's issues to attend to? Then I can't go to work and I look and feel like a flake. I was looking around for seasonal employment today, and I applied to JCP. After the online 50 question application they said, and I kid you not, "Based on your responses, you do not meet the requirements for employment with JCP", or some similar nonsense. Okay, for crying out loud, I was applying to fold shirts and run the cash register! What could possibly un-qualify me?!? One of the questions was what was the motivating factor for my choice of job. I answered "flexibility in schedule" as opposed to "desire to do a good job or please my boss" or some other such nonsense. When asked what I prefer to do when I am stressed I answered "spend time with family in friends". These are the only responses I can point to to explain why JCP does not want me. And yeah, I realize that it is not personal. But it still hurts. Starbucks didn't want me and neither does JCP. In the past, I would have taken up space ranting and railing about the unfairness of our system that it does not provide environment that ready and willing SAHMs can occupy. We women with children are smart. We are capable. We just also happen to be responsible for our homes and families as well. And it is a fact that men do not suffer the same oppression and stereotypecasting from potential employers. However, the other fact remains that I am more of a gamble for employers. If my kid is sick, I have to stay home. If my sitter is sick, I have to stay home. If I want to change my hours to fit my home life, that is frowned upon. And I can understand. But it still makes me mad. And sad. Because if I had never gotten my family into a debt mess, I wouldn't have the pressure to produce an income just to live day-to-day life. I cannot explain to you the deep sadness I feel that I have put this pressure on myself and our family. This is beyond me just wanting to get out of the house; this has become a necessity to pay bills. I would love to make it until Micah is two before I have to get a full-time job. Just two more years at home with my babies and then I can make more money! Here is the thing: I know that God will provide. I have seen him do it over and over again. I hate myself for wallowing in this self-pity when I know that God has never failed us and never will. I think what I need right now is encouragement to just pray and remain faithful to trusting God every day. I don't know what is going to happen in January. I want my girls to stay at the wonderful preschool they are at. I want to commit to tithing this year at our wonderful church. I want to keep the girls in the ballet classes they love so much. But at this point, I don't know what is going to happen after Christmas. But I do know that God will take care of us, right?