Yes, yes...I realize my blog has been sorely neglected for two months. Give me a break--I'm bloated up to my eyeballs with my fourth kid. I mean, I have been doing stuff...not just sitting around and gaining weight (although do look notoriously like a whale on stilts). But seriously, pregnancy is torture. At this point, I am starving all the time, but my stomach is the size of a pea, so when I eat, I immediately become nauseous and fight the urge to purge. So, a bulimic whale on stilts. And physically speaking, I literally walk like a whale on stilts would walk. Defies all laws of physics. If I saw myself walking down the street, I would think, "how is that possible?" Seems likely I will topple over any minute. Anywho...
While there has been much going on in Casa Collins, for my return to the blogosphere, I wish to relate the most current event. This very day I had the most bizarre experience. My home phone rings at 9 this morning. Now, I know this is horribly suburban housewife of me, but I usually don't answer my home phone. I have a sneaking suspicion that it might be a telemarketer or creditor...isn't that sad? I thought it might be my husband because I had misplaced my cell phone (sneaking suspicion child is involved). I hear an accented voice greet me and then promptly ask me to verify that I have credit card debt. I am taken aback because I don't know this person and I don't need to tell them that I have/don't have consumer debt. Continues to ask me to verify debt. I ask, "why are you asking me this question?". I begin to hear the obligatory "I work for a company that can help you...". I have to be somewhere 5 minutes ago and neither myself nor my children are dressed. I don't think I was rude but I just said "we have consolidated and are not interested. Thank you.". And I hung up. The phone immediately rang again. I thought it might be a problem with the phone line so I immediately picked up the phone and hung up again. And the phone rings again. Thinking this might actually be husband, I answer. Get this: the little bugger has called me back!!! He proceeds to tell me that he was talking and I hung up on him! He begins to yell at me while I sit with my mouth open thinking "this is NOT really happening". He asks "can I talk now?". I still have my mouth open. He proceeds to tell me that with his program no interest is paid unlike with consolidation companies where interest rates are negotiated. He finishes his paragraph and I say "I have listened to you and I am still not interested. Hanging up now.". OKAY. Did this really just happen to me? Unfortunately, yes. I mean, where does this guy get off thinking he has the right to talk down to me? I realize that his job sucks (like majorly) but umm, did he really think I was going to suddenly change my mind and go "OMG! You are so right! You're program sounds awesome--sign me up--you are a telemarketing god--forgive me for hanging up on you--will you marry me and we can have lots of sex and babies?"
Moving on...I just want to briefly touch on my blog adjectives. I profess to be the HOT. MESS. MOMMA. HOT--Ok, not vanity. I am literally burning up. So. Hot. Physically. Skin is melting off. Night sweats. Burning desire to curl up and sit in freezer. Sadly impossible. MESS--Metaphorically a cute way to describe my inability to keep my thoughts together. However, again literal. My hair is unkempt, my house is littered with toys and cereal and spilt milk. Laundry run amuck. Dishes attracting bugs in the sink. So, not cute--messy. MOMMA--I have 3.8 children. Soon to be 4. He just needs to cook for about 6 more weeks.
Let's discuss aforementioned children. Primarily one: Ava Collins. I LOVE her with all my heart. She is my baby and probably the most like myself of all my children. But, I am going to use cyber space to safely say, in a loving way, that she is a kind of a mean-spirited little "beeya" sometimes. I cannot grasp what motivates her...perhaps a lack of control? The other day, she proceeded to take a decoration of her sister's and rip in to shreds. No apparent motive. Elisa was minding her own business. She then brings me this thing, with tears in her eyes: "Ava did this". Is Elisa prone to dramatics? Absolutely. Did she do anything to provoke this? No. Ava sometimes just has no remorse and takes delight and seeing others feel pain. She will bite her sister and brother when she is mad at them--leaving horrid marks. She shrieks when she is unhappy. Quite honestly, I just don't know what to do with her. I want to believe that this is a phase and she will grow into a lovely, well-adjusted adult, but I just don't know. She feels so very out of control in her personal life right now and I don't want her to feel lost. I want her to know she is loved, but I cannot find the right response when she is acting out. She makes me feel so helpless and angry. I search myself and parenting skills for what I am doing wrong or what inappropriate genetic code she has acquired. On a serious note, any encouragement or advice is greatly appreciated. She is mastering potty training right now--so that is a big life step. Mom is having baby #4 so she is going to shoved even farther into the family periphery (not necessarily true but I can understand the feeling of powerlessness). What does give me just a glimmer of hope is that while she is definitely the most vocal and involved child in our family, she is a wall flower in all her extracurricular undertakings. She runs under the radar in school, ballet, and swim lessons. She only acts like a serial killer in training at home. Hmm...isn't that what all the individuals in a serial killer's life say after the fact? "He/she was so sweet. Always so accommodating. Never suspected". Eek! My heart just breaks for her--I just want to help and yet feel so helpless on how to do so.
Upcoming life events:
*More busy summer. I literally get up at 7:30 am and crash at 8 at night. We do swim, ballet, Pump It Up, and have been traveling like maniacs. I am enjoying it, but I am so so tired. And, like I remind my dear sweet husband, while existing IN the world, my interactions WITH the world are nonexistent. Even much-needed phone calls to friends and family are difficult. There is always, always a child or two or three or four yelling for something (or for no reason at all) in the background that makes meaningful conversation virtually impossible.
*Leaving Tuesday for a two day trip to upstate New York. Celebrating brother-in-law's wedding. I am really looking forward to it. Will be gone a week. Hardest part is convincing mother that I will not birth baby on side of road. I will at least pick a Buckees or a Flying J. Sheesh.
*Taking a leave of absence from work this year. Going to do the FTSAHM (full-time stay at home mom) thing. A little frightened, but look at it as a growing experience. I still have plenty of time to do the career thing. I think I am probably going to turn into one of those uber-involved polished mommies. Will run the PTA and get on children's teachers' very last nerve with all my wonderful ideas for how to improve their teaching of my child. SIKE! But fun to daydream. I imagine most of my days will be spent trying to keep breast milk off my clothing and my hair from falling into my eyes and from getting too much baby spittle on my person. Will make carpool just 2.5 minutes late every day and will hide behind overlarge sunglasses. Will hope desperately children will succeed in school DESPITE having me a for a hotmessmother. :)
If I could reach out and give everyone (a politically correct side) hug--I would do it with open arms! I hope you all are well!
