Big news!

Nope. Not pregnant. That door is closed friends. And I couldn't be happier. :) So much has happened by here are the highlights: I have decided to start working full-time again, and I have the most awesome job as the social worker for a cancer center here in town. A friend told me about the job posting. I interview and a month later, I got the job! My hours are 745-3 with no lunch break (which is fine by me). That puts me at 36 hours a week, so I get 90% of my salary. It is just PERFECT! 3 is just about the right time to leave work anyway. Plus, I am already up getting my girls to school. Couldn't be happier. It is a big job, but I am working with a marvelous group of people. My boss is so kind, and I haven't felt overwhelmed at all, but it is a big job. I feel like I have been out of a "real job" for so long, I can't believe people actually think I can do this :) Can I? :) Regardless, this has been a huge prayer answered, and I cannot stop praising and thanking God for this opporunity. Noah turned 2 Friday and he is getting to be one big boy! 36.5 inches and 34 pounds, he is thankfully healthy. NO more ear problems praise God! He is still in diapers and on the paci (for bedtime, but still...the pedi chided me *sheepish smile*). He will start at school with his sisters on May 31st, and boy, is he ready! In the meantime, my dear sainted friend Tricha is keeping the boys at her house until Memorial Day. SHe is so gracious. I keep telling her it is practice for when she has twins (none in the works yet, but I keep telling her--it will happen! :)) I am hoping to get Micah at a local daycare by this summer, because there is not really a plan b for him, but I think it will all work out. Our first niece was born on Noah's birthday! We love you baby Kara! We are so happy to have a little cousin. Nathan and I are flying up to see her the weekend of May 13th, and my fabu in-laws will keep the kids so we can go alone. Praise God for them! This is such a crazy time of year. Between the job, Easter, End-of-school activities, etc. I just haven't had time to sit down and collect my thoughts. The blogging is going to slow down, but hopefully not disappear! For now, here are some pics of my little loves:

So much for good intentions...

Yeah. I just don't really have the time to write. I'll say it. I love blogging, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to find a time to lasso my thoughts much less plot them out in a readable format :)

I could tell you all about my kids and how much they are growing, or the funny things they say, or how much we love our life in Longview. I was hoping to tell you about a new job, but as of right now, I am still waiting to hear. I am so ready to be working full-time. I love my kids, but being around them nearly 24/7 just doesn't complete me. I know that a relationship with the Savior is the only one who can fill the holes in my life, etc., but I go nuts around my kids quite often. I don't know anything about current events, and I feel guilty if I try to take time for myself or if I don't get all the housework done. I can only accomplish one thing a day. Today, for instance, it was a shower. So yes, I got a shower. But the laundry is not done, the house is filthy, and I didn't get dinner made before I had to leave. I feel so guilty about not being able to do things that need to done to keep our house running smoothly. And really, I just want to feel like an educated woman. I want to go back to work. I am excited to feel this way, but I also feel that evil word: guilty. Guilty that I don't want to be around my children more and guilty that I can't be happy at home full time. But trust me on this...the mental hospital is around the corner for me if I don't get out of my house!!!

I would love to have that elusive thing: balance. I want to get back into shape. But that requires time and a diligence that is difficult for me to find. I want to eat healthy, but frankly, I hardly remember to eat as it is, so I just eat some goldfish and granola bars when I hear my stomach growl. I want to feel like a contributor to the professional world. I have a skill set that needs to be utilized. So friends, please keep me in your thoughts. I want this job so badly! If it doesn't work out, I desire the peace to feel that God has me in his hand and will only provide the best things for me. If that means something else--I want to embrace it. I hope that the rest of you are doing well, and are able to find and add discipline to your life this Lenten season as we await the celebration of our Lord's resurrection! I can't wait to say "Alleluia, alleluia" again!

Potty Training, Part 3

The good news is that this story should only have 4 parts. So, I am on the down swing, right? ;-) I bought a potty for Noah, and I let him practice sitting in it. He loves to sit fully clothed and open and shut the lid. The other day, he asked for the potty, and I thought, "Hey, let's get him naked and see if he will go". So now, he is OBSESSED with stripping down and sitting on the potty. He comes to me all the time and wants me to take off his shirt and pants. This morning, I was thinking that maybe I should just let him run around naked and see if I can get him to potty. Well, those of you with boys know that is probably not a good idea. See, I have to learn these things the hard way. Girls are different than boys, lest I forget. After only 3 minutes, Noah had *ahem* rubbed himself fantastically red, if you catch my drift. Now, I believe we are what you call a NAKED HOUSE. I am not particularly modest in front of my children. We don't parade around naked, but I don't hide things either. I believe in teaching that bodies are not embarrassing, etc. Eh, my kids see me naked occasionally. We are still working to get Nathan into "free-love" mode ;) Anywho friends, I just couldn't do it. I could not sit there and watch my son incessantly touch himself. He was having a good time and that's great, but not for public consumption. I had to put up a barrier between him and his fun parts. And so the diaper went back on. I tried. I learned. I believe I will change tactics!

Rashad wants to wish me a happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day all! I wish I had the foresight like all my other lovely friends to send V-Day cards out. Look for one at Easter...I think I can get it together by then :) Have you ever had a person text you that you don't recognize their number? That happened to me today. Not that I don't love a "Hey, what's up? Happy Valentine's Day", but "who is this?. "It's Rashad...Did you lose my number or something?" That would be a no. "I don't think I know you...who do you think this is?" "Is this Stacy?" Definitely not. Do you want to get in her pants because you are lonely? But I didn't really say that. Rashad did inform me that he "must have put her number in wrong". I wished him a happy V-Day anyway. Nice to meet you, Rashad. I hope you get lucky tonight!

Daily-ness

So my friends, I know you have all been wondering where I have gone to! Not. Anyway, it seems the holidays and the "daily-ness" of life have just caught up with me. Nothing major to tell, we are just floating day in and day out and I either don't have the time to post or I am just too tired! However, I really enjoy it, and seeing as though I am horrible at babybooking (Elisa is the only child with a book, and I think it stops at 9 months :)), this is what I want my children to look to when they want stories about when they were babies. I honestly don't think I am going to remember. ;)

Elisa turned 5 last month and I can scarcely believe it. My baby is 5! It seems I just had her! We had a great party and Pump It Up and our friends from Baylor and now Cleburne, the VanSlykes got to come! It was so fun! She is going on 15 now, and I find my self at a loss for how to parent her some days. Gone are the days when I can just say "do it because I am the mom and I said so!" She wants to know why and she is so quickly forming her own opinions about life that don't always include influences from her dad and I.

Ava is doing great. She is a very introverted child and is easily overwhelmed when her routine changes. She spends several hours a day alone in her room reading (and who else was like that as a child?!? *ahem*). She is so tender and precious and I worry about her getting lost the most in our big family. She is looking forward to having her 4th birthday at Disney World this summer. :) She is going to get a cavity filled today. Yay!

Noah is about to be 2 in April. I can't believe it! It was shortly after his birth that we moved to Longview, and I can't believe it has been that long. He is in full toddler mode, and I love it! He is the happiest child...so loving and charming. Almost always in a good mood. He does miss his sisters when they are at school, and I think he is ready for a little school as well. It remains to be seen what exactly we are going to be able to afford.

Micah is almost 6 months old. He is the quietest child I have never heard ;) He is our "normal" child, still waking up once a night to eat. I need to get him on solid foods, but he gags every time I try to feed him, so I have just given up. Way to go, mom! He apparently is sitting up now. I swear that child is going to teach himself how to walk, read, and potty train while I am off messing with someone else.

Na and I are good. We really enjoy Longview and have made some really good friends. Na really loves his job, and he is doing so well. Nathan is such a wonderful, "hands-on" dad, and I honestly don't know what I would do without him. We get overwhelmed with our life often, and so far, I think it has served to bring us closer together rather than farther apart. We have an "in the foxhole" mentality for now. Our church is offering Dave Ramsey's financial peace university, and we are doing that and looking forward to taking charge of our financial life!

So, a lot of people have said to me, "I don't know how you do it Christy. If that were me, I would be in a looney bin". Or, "Just thinking about your life makes me tired". Or, "I could never do that". Okay, so, I want to say this lovingly, because I know the heart behind these words is mostly admiration and/or respect. But, here's the secret: Sometimes I feel bat-sh!t crazy too! Just because I have 4 children doesn't mean I also possess super powers (although, really, sometimes I do envision myself in a cape). I need encouragement like anyone else. All women with children have crazy lives. We get pulled in several directions at once, and we are plagued with losing our sense of identity. Some days you just have a parent fail. We deal with the hands we are dealt and make do. I guess I just tire of hearing comments like this that feel like they are somehow a cloaked insult. It is like hearing "I have no eartly idea why you are not in a mental hospital. How do you manage to dress yourself? Why are you not in a catatonic state right now?" I mean, how do you answer that? "I dunno. I take vitamin supplements?" I mean, really people. I don't know how I do it. It is just my life and I wake up every morning and put clothes on a brush my teeth like all the other moms out there. Some days I feel great success and some days I feel like a failure. But I love my life and I want the best for my children, just like we all do.

So, there was my token rant in my blog entry. Look for more to come soon! Blessings! xoxxo

I give you...

After that last heavy post, I need something fun. I give you..."The Baby Lazy Susan--A Tale of Two Brothers"



I just want to point out that yes, I am egging him on, but only so we could film it. Of course he was doing it on his own but when we wanted to film it, that was when Micah started screaming and Noah stopped messing with him. We are innocent I tell you!

Life and Death

We just had a fabulous evening out with our precious friends! We watched a movie, ate pizza, and laughed at our children running amok. Somewhere in that time of vitality, my mother's best friend passed away. Oh, you know, it wasn't completely unexpected, but nonetheless, a person who was here is no longer. Death. Dead. Period. Final.

This woman was a childhood friend of my mother. My mom credits her knowledge of Jesus and her path to salvation as a direct result of a friendship with this woman and her family. They have kept in close touch throughout the years. They have had babies, marriages, divorces, good times, and bad times in their 30+ years of friendship. Suprisingly enough, both of their mothers are still alive and kicking. My mother's BFF, as I will now call her, had a very aggressive form of cancer. We found out about it around this time last year. Last year! One year. Perfectly healthy. Wasted away. When I think about this too deeply, it makes me confused. My mother is 52 (sorry, Mom!). She is young, she has grandchildren, she teaches school, she dates her husband, she chauffeurs her children about, she visits for the holidays. 52 is not a time to wilt away into nothingness. Why does this woman not get to see her children and grandchildren grow? Why is her own mother surviving her?!?

I remember when we all found out. There is so much hope. "I am going to beat this". "I'm fine. Really". And the tests keep coming back worse and worse. The hair goes. But not the smile. Not the fierce determination. Until one day, it does. We just saw mom's BFF 6 days ago. She had aged 20 years. She shuffled around the house in her PJs, and she just looked like a shell of herself. She could hardly keep anything down, and she appeared to get confused easily. When you snuck a peek at her, she seemed lost. Or perhaps like she had just retreated into herself.

I don't understand death. This person was alive. She existed. Yesterday she was here and today she is not. Yes, yes, I know all about the spirit being eternal, and your legacy lives on. Yadda yadda. But she physically is. not. here. My husband said he had a feeling that Saturday was going to be the last time we saw her. I don't know where that intuition comes from. I did not feel that way. I really thought she was going to be fine. This was a bad point, but she had months to go. I feel so silly now. I think I saw it, but I didn't want to.

It feels so narcissistic to talk about this as if I am even remotely affected. I hurt for my mother, who lost her best friend. I ponder my own best friend, and wonder if we will be gabbing together about our arthritis and creaky knees well into our 80s. I send waves of concern and sympathy to her children, who are going to navigate the waters of adulthood without her presence and wisdom. And, again, I say, death doesn't make sense to me. How can one person be out running errands, looking forward to the night to come, while another takes her last breath?

I ran across this poem about death by Emily Bronte. I really like the last stanza. I think because of the imagery of death being rotten and moldy and putrid. It becomes manure. And manure stinks. But we can't grow rich young trees without manure.

Death by Emily Bronte
Death! that struck when I was most confiding
In my certain faith of joy to be -
Strike again, Time's withered branch dividing
From the fresh root of Eternity!

Leaves, upon Time's branch, were growing brightly,
Full of sap, and full of silver dew;
Birds beneath its shelter gathered nightly;
Daily round its flowers the wild bees flew.

Sorrow passed, and plucked the golden blossom;
Guilt stripped off the foliage in its pride;
But, within its parent's kindly bosom,
Flowed for ever Life's restoring-tide.

Little mourned I for the parted gladness,
For the vacant nest and silent song -
Hope was there, and laughed me out of sadness;
Whispering, " Winter will not linger long!"

And, behold! with tenfold increase blessing,
Spring adorned the beauty-burdened spray;
Wind and rain and fervent heat, caressing,
Lavished glory on that second May!

High it rose - no winged grief could sweep it;
Sin was scared to distance with its shine;
Love, and its own life, had power to keep it
From all wrong - from every blight but thine!

Cruel Death! The young leaves droop and languish;
Evening's gentle air may still restore -
No! the morning sunshine mocks my anguish -
Time, for me, must never blossom more!

Strike it down, that other boughs may flourish
Where that perished sapling used to be;
Thus, at least, its mouldering corpse will nourish
That from which it sprung - Eternity.

To stop before I become too maudlin, I am going to shut my computer, call my mom and cry with her, kiss my babies, give my husband a hug, and go to sleep. And, I am going to enjoy my world of friends and family. They are so precious to me, and unfortunately, I don't get them forever.

Venting

I need to vent for a minute. And I need someone to tell me--bitchy or not? Where do my thoughts need to be in all this?

So, once again, I am caught in the "whose job is more important conundrum". Elisa has ballet on Tuesdays and someone normally takes her. That person cannot today, so I asked Na and he said yes. He is going to leave work for 45 minutes to take her. Someone else is slated to pick her up. I am also working at this time, but it is hourly, not salary and it is hard for me to take off. Anyway, Na is in a meeting that he cannot leave. So, who has to go to their boss and come up with a mysterious errand and is it alright for me to clock out and then clock back in? I feel like such a dummy. An ill-prepared un-professional dummy. He doesn't like it when I ask for things like this, but what can I do? And why does Nathan's job get more importance? Because he makes more money? Perhaps that is it. It is still frustrating. And, I hate that both of us feel like we are displeasing our bosses if we have to do something for our kids! I am so frustrated right now!

And, I should note that working hourly generally sucks. I really feel for all the people with children out there that have to do that! I think I am having some major pride issues as well because I have degree and I shouldn't have to. But you know what, I have kids and debt, so I am really doing the best I can. I am always looking for something part-time that utilizes my degree but those are few and far between here in Longview, Texas!

Potty Training Part II, Big Boy Bed, and Hobby Lobby

I am going to start by saying that Hobby Lobby is a treacherous web of deception and lies. I am not a crafty person in the slightest, and I generally get overwhelmed by crafty things. However, I braved a trip to HL with my little boys to buy a frame. It should have been an in and out job, but that place is full of so much kitsch it can cross your eyes. I found myself side-tracked by shiny pretty baubles and the wheels in my head started turning. "I can make this. Wouldn't that look cute... I can totally rock this look in my house!" Cart full, I realize that when I head home, this will actually just be pieces of crap, not magnificient works of art. What the H-E-double hockey sticks was I thinking?!? I can't do any of this s#!t. As I leave, I give HL the stink eye.

We introduced Noah to his big boy bed last night. The toddler bed has been in his room since we moved, and he has just continued to sleep in his crib. We hadn't talked about the big boy bed, we just did our regular nightly routine and placed him in the toddler bed instead of the crib. He was upset at first. Nathan had to go back in and read some extra stories. And, amazingly, he just laid down and went to sleep. I don't even know what to say. Nathan was like, "Is it supposed to be this easy?!?" I dunno. Again, at nap time today, I said, "Are you ready to go to sleep? Noah said "Yeah" in his baby language, and I just laid him down. He slept for two hours. So, okay. Yay for us. I love my sweet little boy. Now, about that paci....We are going to need Jesus for that.

The girls are both potty trained, but wear pull-ups at night. I just up and decided that Elisa was old enough to go without one. I don't know if this is true, I just didn't feel like buying 60 pull-ups a month. So, we just talked about wearing big girl panties at night and we have her go to the bathroom before she goes to bed. We leave the bathroom light on so she can go if she wakes up and sometimes she does. However, she is still wetting her bed about 50% of the time. I am not sure if her body is ready, but she is almost 5. Thoughts or ideas, anyone?

Vote for one of my kids!

Hey friends! I put up pics of my kids for the local mag cover contest and they all got picked! (I think they took all the admissions :)) Anyway, I would really appreciate it if you could vote: Elisa, Ava, Noah, or Micah http://bit.ly/aqpO4D

Cast your vote for the Child Cover Winner by emailing
publisher@longviewcommunitymag.com First name of child should be in the subject line. Only one entry per email will be accepted. Voting ends November 9th at midnight Winner will be announced on November 10th

I am really excited, and don't worry, I won't know which kid you voted for--I know they are all adorable, just pick your fav! I am not going to be able to vote I don't think! Ha!

Some Family Language

I am sure everyone is like this, but we have a few words or phrases that are unique to our family. Just thought I would share a few:

"Wockles" = waffles (someone just prounces them that way--I don't know)
"Fancy" = handsome (Somewhere along the line our girls thought the word "fancy" was synonymous with handsome. It is the male form of beautiful and there is absolutely no way to convince them it means anything else. Do not, I repeat, do not, tell Elisa or Ava that they look fancy as they will take it as an insult from the bowels of hell that you would compare them to a boy.)
"Wa-wa" = Noah's way of saying paci, lovey, water, milk, drink or food (and probably many other things). It is a fun little guessing game to see what it is he actually wants.
"Da" = Noah saying yes.
Nakee = Naked, or, one's personal state after leaving the bath tub and dropping one's towel to run about the house.

Let me preface this next one by saying that while I do label body parts correctly for my children, we generally say "boy parts" and "girl parts" when discussing our private areas. I was changing Noah the other day and Elisa was in the room asking me about him. I figured this was as good a time as any to give correct medical terms. After this discussion, she walked away with her own unique take that girls have "jemimas" and boys have "venuses". Ooookay. Job well done, Mom!

Hard not to feel depressed, but there's hope

Friends, I have recently come to the conclusion that I am not a good employee. This may have been glaringly obvious to most of you, but it is a shocker to me. Having a career has been very important to me since I graduated college, and I try to put my best into my job. I know that I need time away from my kids to serve them better, but that doesn't take away from my desire to be a good employee. It has recently occured to me that my children might be the reason for my job troubles. I have to find a sitter every time I go to work. This can be challenging. What if that person is sick or has her own children's issues to attend to? Then I can't go to work and I look and feel like a flake. I was looking around for seasonal employment today, and I applied to JCP. After the online 50 question application they said, and I kid you not, "Based on your responses, you do not meet the requirements for employment with JCP", or some similar nonsense. Okay, for crying out loud, I was applying to fold shirts and run the cash register! What could possibly un-qualify me?!? One of the questions was what was the motivating factor for my choice of job. I answered "flexibility in schedule" as opposed to "desire to do a good job or please my boss" or some other such nonsense. When asked what I prefer to do when I am stressed I answered "spend time with family in friends". These are the only responses I can point to to explain why JCP does not want me. And yeah, I realize that it is not personal. But it still hurts. Starbucks didn't want me and neither does JCP. In the past, I would have taken up space ranting and railing about the unfairness of our system that it does not provide environment that ready and willing SAHMs can occupy. We women with children are smart. We are capable. We just also happen to be responsible for our homes and families as well. And it is a fact that men do not suffer the same oppression and stereotypecasting from potential employers. However, the other fact remains that I am more of a gamble for employers. If my kid is sick, I have to stay home. If my sitter is sick, I have to stay home. If I want to change my hours to fit my home life, that is frowned upon. And I can understand. But it still makes me mad. And sad. Because if I had never gotten my family into a debt mess, I wouldn't have the pressure to produce an income just to live day-to-day life. I cannot explain to you the deep sadness I feel that I have put this pressure on myself and our family. This is beyond me just wanting to get out of the house; this has become a necessity to pay bills. I would love to make it until Micah is two before I have to get a full-time job. Just two more years at home with my babies and then I can make more money! Here is the thing: I know that God will provide. I have seen him do it over and over again. I hate myself for wallowing in this self-pity when I know that God has never failed us and never will. I think what I need right now is encouragement to just pray and remain faithful to trusting God every day. I don't know what is going to happen in January. I want my girls to stay at the wonderful preschool they are at. I want to commit to tithing this year at our wonderful church. I want to keep the girls in the ballet classes they love so much. But at this point, I don't know what is going to happen after Christmas. But I do know that God will take care of us, right?

Fun!

I figured after the last heavy post, I needed to blog something lighthearted. Things are good just busy. Here are pics of kids:

I wanna pull my hair out!

So, here's the thing: I am definitely finding my life very stressful right now. Everybody wants a piece of me. And the sad thing is I am reaching for inanimate objects instead of people. I am so consumed with making dinner, doing laundry, picking up toys, paying bills, etc., that I forget about the "little people" all around me. I know that every mom knows what I mean. I have 1 hour so I am going to use it doing housework instead of playing with my kids. Consequently, they continue to cry out for me and I continue to ignore them; pushing harder to get the chores done, I create this self-fulfilling prophesy/downward spiral of self-loathing and doom. I do believe in the past 2 days I have yelled at the top of my lungs AND had serious thoughts about just running away. If I could throw all the carseats out of my car, I think I would just take off and never come back. Ooo, heavy.

Gratefulness

I started a women's Bible study at my church today. We are reading through Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity. We all agreed that the book is not what we were expecting (at least in the beginning). It seems to jump around a lot. However, one thing we did agree on was how all of us don't feel like we should be living the happy lives that we are. Someone mentioned they felt like they always lived "waiting for the other shoe to drop". That is exactly the way I feel! I feel like I don't deserve the life that I have and something bad must happen to me soon. Of course, this is just not the case, but it doesn't mean I don't have that insecurity. I just wanted to drop a line here and say how incredibly grateful I am to lead the life I do. I have 4 healthy children, a wonderful husband, a way to get around town and we manage to pay the bills on time. What more could one ask for?

I especially feel grateful for my children. There are so many people out there right now that are heartbroken from miscarriages or failed attempts to get pregnant. It doesn't seem fair that I got to have 4 with no problems! My heart goes out to these men and women and I truly wish them peace and patience. And, I am joyful for all the preggos out there! It seems like virtually everyone I know if having a bebe, and it is awesome! I absolutely don't want it any more for myself, but I am truly excited for all my friends: Baby Accord, Baby Braden, Baby Collins, Baby Dorand, Baby Patel, and Baby Salter! I can't wait to meet your little ones!

On a random sidenote, I am on the countdown to a new phone. My old phone crapped out in July and rather than spend the $50 to get a new phone through insurance, I bought a $30 gophone. I am due for a new phone in October. I thought I could easily wait 3 months. However, shortly after purchasing gophone, Ava dunked it in water so I had to buy another one! Now I have spent $60--does that even make sense?!? Anyway, gophones suck (it's a flip phone!) and texting is really old school now. I can't wait for an iphone or at least something similar!

Personal Growth, or, A Novella in 3 Parts

Introduction:
Let me just say that if you actually read all the way through this post, you deserve a medal of some sort. I realize that I am self-indulgent and long-winded. In my defense, I am not a scrapbooker or photographer in any way. My children don't even have baby books. This is my effort to record for my children what life was like when they were introduced into the world. It is my way of writing them a love letter. Of sorts. It is also like my little diary that you are privy to as well. Don't you feel kind of pervy? :) Ha!

Changes

I have always heard that the jump from two to three kids is always the worst. The joke is that you go from "one-on-one" defense to "zone" defense parenting. Ha! As with many things in my life, I tend to be a little different from the norm. Mainstream thinking does not become me (some would say). ;) I have to admit that the jump from 3 to 4 kids is way more difficult that 2 to 3 ever was. I have spent much time pondering this personal phenom. What makes my experience so different? I think for the past 4 years, even though I have had 3 children, they have all been loosely in the same developmental stage, so to speak. It has been a twin like mentality: someone had "the girls" (because they exist as one entity in our minds--not right!) and someone had the baby. But now, I find myself with "the girls" and 2 babies--which is much more difficult. I realize that there was a time when it was just Elisa and Ava and they were both "babies" but I find it hard to remember the particular difficulties of that time. For me, it has been deceptively easy to see my oldest through "rose-colored" glasses. She always seemed so capable of adaptation and rapid growth. Deal with a sister at 17 months? No problem. Communicate with my in full sentences by the time you are 2? Done. Play by yourself, dress yourself, feed yourself, and anything else by the time you are 3? Check and check. So, is she a wonder-child? I would of course argue yes, but to be fair, that might just be the proud momma in me talking! I was in such a hurry for her to grow up and she has a personality that is just all too happy to oblige. Enter child number 2, and then child number 3, and I learn lessons about how all children are not created equal. And I love it! Each one is so precious in their own way. But somewhere around when Noah was born, I realized that I really just had a house full of babies, not little adults. To come full circle, the introduction of yet another baby has been more difficult for us than ever before. We are not super-parents. Nor are we particularly gifted in parenting well. (I would argue the exact opposite, to be quite frank.) What I am learning is that Nathan and I are entering a different stage in our life where we begin to parent young children, not simply care for babies. And this distinction is very important. Elisa (and Ava a little too) is beginning to be involved in all those things that are somehow going to pad her college application: dance, soccer, piano, etc. ad nauseum. I joke, but we are only on the precipice now. We are just about to careen down that childhood mountain of extracurricular madness in full force. Because of this transition for our eldest, it makes caring for a needy infant that much more difficult. It is not just the waking up in the night, but the whole package: feeding and changing diapers about once an hour. Moving from bouncer to swing to carseat to arms trying to get the crying to stop. Planning not only errands but car pool and activities around a feeding schedule. It is really demanding. However, I do get the feeling that as soon as Micah gets mobile, we will reach a new equilibrium.

The New Equilibrium

Nathan and I recently had our first truly deep soul-searching conversation in a long long while. I describe a mountainous ledge above, but we are truly in a transitory state in a lives and marriage. We are not having any more children. Everyone has joked that we would never actually pull the trigger and make it permanent. I know you are all convinced we would rival the Duggars in multiplying powers, but believe it our not, we are done. Nathan had a vasectomy 2 weeks ago. He did well and he has to get checked in December to make sure all sperm counts are zero, but we are committed to no more kiddies. We both feel very good and at peace with this decision. That doesn't, however, mean we are not mournful or anxious about what is coming next. As silly as it sounds, I truly see myself turning into my mother. And I don't mean that statement to be derogatory. As we enter this next phase of life, our motivating factor day in and day out is our children, not ourselves. Up until now, I have been able to be selfish. Being pregnant and having young babies brings a lot of attention to yourself. People still ask "how are you feeling?" But I have a sneaking suspicion that is about to end. I am becoming invisible. I don't exist accept to be Elisa/Ava/Noah/Micah's mother, you know, the lady that is bringing snack to practice this week? Or maybe my role is room mother or party organizer or sunday school volunteer or purchaser of recital clothing. Insert job related to the activity of my child here _____________. Regardless, nobody much cares anymore what I think or how I dress, or speak, or what I drive. I am becoming that nameless, faceless MOM that I used to scorn. It is becoming apparent to me how easy it is to forget that I even exist as a friend, partner, lover, companion, or daughter. I just need to be the bill payer, grocery shopper, and child taxi. Not that I don't love all of these things or that I am trying to be particularly grumpy. But, you know, entering this unknown phase of life is just as scary as the first day of school, leaving home to go to college, getting married, or having your first child. Who Am I?

As Nathan and I discussed the challenges and joys of this new phase of life, I have to admit I am a little well, scared. Not apprehensive, just plain old scared. When my children go to college, will I still know my husband as the wonderful man I see him as now? More importantly, will I recognize myself? Will I continue to care for myself like it matters? Or, will I turn into a desexualized being that smiles in the right places and keeps the house running and makes sure the right number of children are in the car and driven to the appropriate place at the appropriate time. I hope not. But I already feel myself being dismissed by the larger public. I get tossed into the file cabinet labeled "MOM" in society's mind and that is that. Do I become a drabber version of myself? Or, can I find some way to grow more vibrant while tending to the demands of my children? I know one thing, I don't blame them. I want nothing more than for my children to turn into happy, caring, and responsible adults. And if they have to take little pieces of me to do so, so be it. But I will not stop seeking a way to escape the great "pigeon-hole". That is why I am the hot mess momma. Always bucking convention. :)

The Children In Question

Elisa: She is in the stage of questions. Way beyond my area of expertise. Things like: "Mommy, why did my fish die? Am I going to die? Why do you have hair on your bottom (why does she refer to everything south of the border as her bottom? It's called a vagina--I can say that, right? I promise we label things correctly in our house!) Will I get hair on my bottom? Why does your heart not look like the shape of a heart? Why won't my friend do what I say? Why? Why? Why? Mom? Mom? Mom?" Admittedly, sometimes I want to scream at her. I am a very busy person, can't you see? I am working on enriching your life so could you not talk to me for a while? Yeah, I see how ridiculously hypocritical this sounds. So, for my oldest love, I pray for patience and wisdom in answering every oh so important question. May I never be too busy for her.

Ava: I like to call this stage the echo stage. Her favorite color is Elisa's favorite color. Her best friends are Elisa's best friends. She wants to wear the same headband Elisa is wearing. I fully expect to hear one day: "Mommy, I just killed a man", followed by "Mommy, I just killed a man too!" in a bright, ever perky voice. I want her to develop her own friendships and her own likes and dislikes. I worry about her complete inability to focus. I will say "Ava, go get your socks.". "My socks?" (like she has never heard that word before). "Yes, on the floor." "On the floor?" she says while looking inside a drawer like she doesn't know what the floor is. It seriously concerns me and sometimes I want to just shake her. For my second love, I pray that I will never stop noticing her for the beautiful, intelligent, kind-hearted child she is. I pray she will find her own path and never measure her success or failure by what someone else has accomplished.

Noah: On the inside, this is a sweet, easy-going, bright child. On the outside, however, he can be a little pill. Yeah, I know no one believes me. But when he gets angry, he will yell and throw holy fits. He has thrown his sippy cup at me in anger. He yells at me. I realize that he is just one, but I don't want to set the precedent for him that you get what you want by screaming about it. Also, I am really sensitive to how he treats me because this is his example for how to treat women in general. For my third love I pray for patience to not get exasperated with him. I pray for a mindful spirit that will not forget how truly scrumptious and adorable he is on the inside. I pray that he won't ever feel lost or forgotten in this family.

Micah: I don't know a lot about his personality yet, but he is really relaxed. He does not cry all that much. And frankly, if he does, he gives up so easily. He is a wonderful sleeper (sleeping from about 8 pm to 4 am every night). Because he is my last one, even at a month old, I feel he has grown too much already. I want to keep him small forever. For my fourth love, I hope this attitude does not spoil/entitle him forever. I want to keep each moment of his life locked in my mind forever! I think my prayer for him is more a prayer for me right now. I need peace with the changes in my life and the resolution to not bring any more babies into the world. He is it, but he doesn't need to be on a pedestal. I want all my children to see how very very much they are loved by me.

Writing helps me get a handle on my day to day anger and frustration. It gives me a chance to sit back and remind myself how wonderful each of my children are. It is so easy to get put out and annoyed by "the little creatures". By publically posting my shame as a pitiful parent, I get to renew my decision to be a little more patient from here on out. This is my "time-out". And this particular one has been a long time coming.

So, does anyone know any agents or publishers for my book? ;)

New life!...and more guilt

Well...he does exist! Micah Martin Autry Collins made his entrance into this world at 11:05 pm on Wednesday, August 18th. Everything about this birth has been different than my previous 3. There are so many things I am experiencing it is hard to know where to start.

I think the most pressing thing is that Micah had a rough start entering this world. Even when you do everything right and are presenting as low-risk, things can still go wrong.

I was set to be induced Thursday the 19th. Wednesday afternoon, of course, my water broke. This was very exciting for me because I have never had my water break and this was a "cool pregnancy thing" to experience my last time around. I have a theory about my kids and Wednesdays anyway (Elisa, Noah, and now Micah were all born on Wednesday nights. And I still have guilty thoughts about "forcing" Ava out on a Sunday of all days!). I kind of always knew it would be this Wednesday. Anyhow, I am Group B Strep positive and there is an increased risk of infection for the baby when your water breaks. It can be very serious if it isn't caught. I was GBS + with all my kids, but my water was never broken until I delivered, so I never really thought about its seriousness.

I got to the hospital within 45 minutes of my water breaking and got put on antibiotics to prevent infection. Not a single contraction. At 7 pm I was given pitocin. For about 2 hours, nothing really happened. They tried to get the dosage right, I had a few intense contractions here and there but nothing other than I was just getting tired. They check my dilation and I had moved half a centimeter. I really felt that this time around, I wasn't interested in proving anything to anyone by being a pain warrior and I kind of asked for an epidural. My nurse (who by the way was unequivocally wonderful--love love loved her!) suggested trying a relaxant through my iv first. She seemed to think once my contractions came regularly, I would progress very quickly.

She was right. From 9 pm to 1015 pm I dilated 4 to 7 and the drugs were awesome. I went to my focused place and asked for more of the relaxing drugs. By 11 pm I was at 9 cm and ready to push. My wonderful husband is a birthing champ. He told the nurse when we came in that when I started screaming for drugs and yelling at everyone about the pain that meant it was time for the baby to be born. We laugh now, but he has been right every time. I started yelling at the top of my lungs for someone to put me out of my misery. At that point the doctor appeared, I was flipped on my back and I just pushed that little sucker right out. It was very quick, but I just want to point out--it hurt. A lot. It doesn't matter that it just hurt for 15 minutes. That is a 15 minute window where if someone offered to kill me I would let them. My sweet hubby mentioned later that he had a very hard time not laughing at me at points. I guess he has seen the same thing so many times, but each time to me it is like tunnel vision--I forget everything except the god-forsaken pain.

My first thought about Micah was "Wow. He is small". I made sure he looked healthy and was breathing, but honestly, I think the drugs still had me a little woozy. It was hard to focus. They gave him to me, and I realized that he was making a weird noise. He was grunting repetitively and wouldn't try to latch on at all. The nurse told me that he was in respitory distress and promptly snatched him away to the nursery. Still befuddled, I don't think it hit me until I was sewn up and sitting semi-alone that I realized something was really wrong. We didn't know for a couple of hours what had happened. He was put in the NICU and given oxygen, antiobiotics, and a saline drip because in addition to having trouble breathing, his blood sugar was very low.

We couldn't hold him all night but we did get to see him. We kind of sat in limbo until we saw the pediatrician Thursday morning. His blood work made it look like he had an infection. But, it could very well be that he was pre-term (my due date wrong) or some other issue. We would have to wait. I could nurse him, but he had to stay in NICU. He did get off oxygen, but had to stay monitored and on IV for blood sugar. We were hoping all was well and he would be released to me Thursday night.

Later bloodwork showed that he did indeed have an infection and a rather serious one. It was okay because he had been given antiobiotics immediately, but he was one sick little boy. All day Thursday (and through the night) he was weaned off his IV a little at a time. Finally, this morning, we have been able to take off his monitor to feed him. We spoke to the doctor this morning and all looks good. The treatments given have been working and he is successfully off his IV. He can be released to my room to eat, but needs to go back to the NICU in between to be monitored at least until tomorrow. If everything goes well today with him and bloodwork looks good this time, he will be released from the nursery and turned into a pediatric patient tomorrow. Here is the kicker for me: he needs 7 days of antiobiotics. So we will be staying here as Pedi patients until Wednesday at the earliest, possibly Thursday.

During labor, I was given oxygen (which is totally normal for induced labors) to try to wake Micah up. His heartbeat was not bad, it just didn't vary at all. He was very still through the whole thing which is apparently bad. I had a fever while I was in labor. I also found out later that he had the cord loosely around his neck when he was born. My thought as a mother is immediately turned inward: "What did I do wrong this time?" I can be reassured that this had nothing to do with me, but I carried him for 9 months. Did I not wash my hands enough? I should have been better about taking my prenatal vitamins. My uterus had just stopped being a hospitable place for more children 2 babies ago. I joke, but I feel a stab of truth.

As a parent, you just don't realize how lucky you are to have wonderful healthy deliveries and children until something goes wrong. But hear me: I realize that are so many many worse things that could and have happened to people. This is very mild and odds are very high that Micah will leave here Wednesday without another care or concern in the sky. It still breaks my heart that my baby got sick and I couldn't do anything about it.

Looking back, it was all very terrifying those first few hours. You never know what could have happened if that wonderful experienced nurse didn't catch what was going on with Micah's breathing and whisk him away. She gave him antibiotics immediately-before we even knew an infection was the issue. And that very well prevented him taking a severe turn for the worse.

So, when I go home with my (aaah!) fourth child, things will not just fall back into place. A new baby always makes waves, but I have just assumed that Mr. Micah will just need to go with the flow. It never occured to me that our family might have to make a new flow to accomodate him.

There are so many people to thank for watching my 3 other precious babies while all this is going on. Whatever stress I am feeling, they are also experiencing. This hospital room is so small and while a visit is good, none of us are designed to accomodate living in a postage stamp. I miss them terribly and I know that we will not be at ease until all 6 of us are home.

And more guilt! I want to be around my kids but interacting with them all at once in a hospital room is not fun. They get on my nerves quickly and it disturbs me because I want to be with them so much. But then, they are also very standoffish because this is weird and different for them and they don't know how to process.

How can I say too that a small part of me enjoys the fact that Micah is being monitored in a nursery? I don't have to worry about him in between feedings. While all I want is for him to be with me, I am terrified of being the sole person responsible for him from here on out...how weird is that?

I say that I feel this whole debacle is somehow my fault. I know, I know. But I was talking to someone that pointed out that perhaps instead of being born too early, consider that he was born right on time. Who knows what would have happened had any more time gone by? A cord issue? A greater infection or sickness? I think what I need to learn from this is that this too is in God's plan. Instead of being scared for Micah's future, I should rejoice that he is here at the perfect time to prevent any major calamity. I realize that I am uber hormonal right now--the tears flow freely!--the only way I suspect I can deal with this is to trust the Lord that He has great plans for my little boy and He is keeping him around to grow and learn with us.

Thanks to everyone for their prayers and support, and don't worry, the heavy stuff is done for a while I hope. I think you will hear more very soon about my hotmess-ness in the momma-ing department. Four! Good Lord!

A couple of funny things...

Y'all check out Nathan's blog. He is SOOO funny to me. I realize this is probably why I married him (and really there weren't that many other takers! ;)) But that's ok. He cracks me up and that's all that's important.

Yesterday morning, I get up and Elisa goes: "Mommy, why is your hair always looking so messy?" So, what I wanted to say was "Have YOU looked in the mirror lately little girl?!". But the mom answer I gave was somewhere along the lines of "Mommy is tired and just needs a shower. This is what happens when you sleep without washing your hair". And then I went into my room and cried. :)

It almost seems like...

So, I promised Micah would be here, but come on guys--can I really make promises like that?!? I mean, he's a baby for crying out loud! He still gets to call the shots for a while. But when he emerges...then he'll really learn who is in charge! :)

Last week, the doctor said I was 4 cm dilated, 40% effaced. Any day was the verdict. All weekend I was CONVINCED he would come. I even got my breast pump out to try and hurry things along. NOT A SINGLE CONTRACTION. Not one. The end of pregnancy is a like a bad joke where you are suspended in time, waiting for a punch line that never comes. My friends have been so supportive and kind, but I get the feeling they are getting bored. Where is that baby you promised? I know you are fat and waddling and all, but where's the kid that's supposed to be in there? And my personal favorite: "Are you still pregnant?" Or, "Weren't you due last week?" Well duh...yes. Still pregnant. First clue? My swagger? And, no, not actually due until the 27th. I feel bad, though. Some women go past their due dates. I really don't have it that bad. And I am truly mentally okay. I keep gaining weight which is not cool and it is really hard to sleep, but by and large, I know that he will eventually get here. This is basically around the time that I had my other children: between 38 and 39 weeks. I think what gets me is that for the past 2 weeks I have been thinking any day (preggo ladies--37 weeks means nothing. you know this. just don't let yourself go there. you still have 15-20+ days. deal with it.). I am getting so used to this bloated, edge-of-seat existence it almost seems like...he doesn't really exist. Know what I mean?

Well, doc today says still 4 cm, but thinner and really really could be any day. But if not, Thursday it will be. This is my first time to actually be induced and I have to say I like the drama and the change of pace from other pregnancies. I am so tired I think I could be talked into anything. I was worried that it would take longer and be more painful, but the doc assures me that I don't need that much Pitocin. I am already halfway there and it is my fourth. I can get my antibiotics and plan where my kids will go. Should just jump start me and I should have a baby within 3 hours of drugs. That sounds like a plan to me. I go in Thursday lunch time, get the Group B Strep antibiotics and then get Pitocin at 4 pm. Have baby by 8 pm at latest. Get out of hospital by Saturday lunchtime. I am so cool with that. Let's just hope everything goes according to plan. Because babies do that, you know. ;)

Hard to find the time...

Greetings all! For those I haven't talked with lately, yes, we made it to New York and back! It was...interesting. The trip itself, I mean. It was lovely in New York. My sister-in-law's family is so hospitable and welcoming. Their wedding was wonderful. They live in upstate New York, and the county if beautiful. Totally like a painting. The food and fellowship was so good, I am looking forward to a chance to go back--maybe in the winter so we can ski!
Things I learned in the car on the way there and back:

• 3 children produce an amazing amount of urine in a 20 hour period
• we traversed 7 states (Texas, Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York), and of all 7, Ohio was the worst--it took 6-7 hours to bisect it--I mean, like, are we in another state yet or what?
• my kids are inevitably the most cranky when I am the most cranky
• lowest parenting moment: Yelling "shut up" at the top of my lungs at one point in Ohio (see bullet point #2)
• it is actually possible to do this--I feel much more comfortable planning a trip to say, Florida or California now that I know what to expect

In other news, I am 36 1/2 weeks and ready for this baby in about 2 weeks...hopefully he will be just like the other 3 and come b/t 38 and 39 weeks. Packed and ready to go. Carseat in the car. My van is like a little carseat carnival.

Current state of mind:

• My best girlfriend recently got engaged and I haven't had a chance to "dish" with her yet. I hate that my life is so crazy that we cannot connect. It kills me. Even as I write this blog, I have a child screaming in the background b/c he cannot get some toy to do what he wants it to.
• Just found out I am Strep B positive again for the 4th time. Really bummed as well because that means I have to be hooked up to antibiotics for 4+ hours prior to delivery. In my first and third pregnancies, I obviously didn't make it that long and they had to keep my babies an extra night in the hospital to screen them. They were obviously fine, but it is just another worry I don't really want/need.
• My hubby has been working A LOT lately...which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I am just getting anxious about impending labor/delivery coinciding with the start of fall/school. I hope our pace to life will change when Micah gets here because I am just feeling uber worn out. Na has to go to Houston Wednesday night just for an overnight trip but of course that is when I will go into labor, right? :)
• My oldest baby (she is only 4!) is currently on the Blanco river near Austin with my mother. She has been gone since Friday is coming back tomorrow (Tuesday). I know I should take advantage of being minus a child, but I miss her like crazy. She even sounds different on the phone. So grown up and able to handle being away from home for 5 days! I had a mental breakdown last night when I hadn't heard from her all day. I chalk it up to hormones, but I also feel bittersweet about my baby growing up. She starts PreK in 2 weeks. Sigh.

At this point, you probably will not hear from me until after Micah is born, but I will post pics when he arrives!