Pity Party

Every once in a while, I have these days that are so black I feel that I am suffocating. My breaths are shorter and shallower as I try to keep from hyperventilating. I feel like my life is pointless and I live in a very deep dark hole. I mean, I get that I am worth something to my husband and children, but frankly, that in itself is not always satisfying. My children are lovely, but they just take, take, take. I can't ever find 5 minutes to myself to keep the nauseating anxiety at bay. Some days it seems I just can't satisfy them. They want to be within a 3 inch radius of me and whatever I am doing at all times. Have you ever tried washing dishes, doing laundry, breastfeeding with two extra people literally attached to you? I have tried to just drop what I am doing and give them one-on-one, but it doesn't always work. They feel clingy and uncertain about this move as much as I do. I need a job!!!!! But I don't really know how to get one...When anyone hears that a SAHM wants to work part-time, they automatically think child care. I don't want to spend days watching other peoples children!!! "Oh, she just wants to get out of the house and earn a little extra cash". I am SICK of it. I want a job. A real live contributing member of society job. But I want one that doesn't demand 40-50 hours a week from me. Just 20-30 b/c I HAVE to have something left for my family as well. But people say, your children need you at home. It is enough that you are just there. REALLY?!? How am I serving my children when I am angry, depressed, and yelling at them all day out of frustration?!? I need another outlet to be a better parent. Do I have to sacrifice patience to parent because the work force needs me 50 hours a week? Do I sacrifice my sanity to be with my children ALL THE TIME? I just can't take it!!!!! I really wish there were more options for women than corporate America vs. full time childcare. Why can't we make it both? Why can't businesses see how much women bring to the table and create jobs that are accomodating for mothers with families? I love love love my children but that shouldn't translate into being with them EVERY second. I am no good to them if that is the case. Their whines and idiosyncracies stop being cute and just make my skin crawl. Does admitting this make me a bad mother?

Like the title says: Pity pary. This is my outlet to word vomit. When I get up from here I will back into the trenches and pick the screaming two year-old off the floor and hold her until she stops being mad that I went into the other room. I will deal with my three year-old throwing a fit as I patiently watch her pick up all the toys she has literally strewn about the house (it will take a good hour I assure you). I will also have to force her to actually get dressed (a bathing suit and ballet shoes is her particular outfit of choice but it is starting to smell--3 days in a row now it has been worn!) I will unload the dishwasher and fold the laundry that I have been putting off all day b/c looking at it piled up all over makes me ill. I will comfort my infant that is wailing b/c his nap was interrupted. I will not burst into tears as the extreme feeling of being overwhelmed I am trying to surpress threatens to explode. Instead I just word vomit into the world wide web and hope for a pitying ear. And maybe a stern talking-to. After all, who likes a whiney baby?