After that last heavy post, I need something fun. I give you..."The Baby Lazy Susan--A Tale of Two Brothers"
I just want to point out that yes, I am egging him on, but only so we could film it. Of course he was doing it on his own but when we wanted to film it, that was when Micah started screaming and Noah stopped messing with him. We are innocent I tell you!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Life and Death
We just had a fabulous evening out with our precious friends! We watched a movie, ate pizza, and laughed at our children running amok. Somewhere in that time of vitality, my mother's best friend passed away. Oh, you know, it wasn't completely unexpected, but nonetheless, a person who was here is no longer. Death. Dead. Period. Final.
This woman was a childhood friend of my mother. My mom credits her knowledge of Jesus and her path to salvation as a direct result of a friendship with this woman and her family. They have kept in close touch throughout the years. They have had babies, marriages, divorces, good times, and bad times in their 30+ years of friendship. Suprisingly enough, both of their mothers are still alive and kicking. My mother's BFF, as I will now call her, had a very aggressive form of cancer. We found out about it around this time last year. Last year! One year. Perfectly healthy. Wasted away. When I think about this too deeply, it makes me confused. My mother is 52 (sorry, Mom!). She is young, she has grandchildren, she teaches school, she dates her husband, she chauffeurs her children about, she visits for the holidays. 52 is not a time to wilt away into nothingness. Why does this woman not get to see her children and grandchildren grow? Why is her own mother surviving her?!?
I remember when we all found out. There is so much hope. "I am going to beat this". "I'm fine. Really". And the tests keep coming back worse and worse. The hair goes. But not the smile. Not the fierce determination. Until one day, it does. We just saw mom's BFF 6 days ago. She had aged 20 years. She shuffled around the house in her PJs, and she just looked like a shell of herself. She could hardly keep anything down, and she appeared to get confused easily. When you snuck a peek at her, she seemed lost. Or perhaps like she had just retreated into herself.
I don't understand death. This person was alive. She existed. Yesterday she was here and today she is not. Yes, yes, I know all about the spirit being eternal, and your legacy lives on. Yadda yadda. But she physically is. not. here. My husband said he had a feeling that Saturday was going to be the last time we saw her. I don't know where that intuition comes from. I did not feel that way. I really thought she was going to be fine. This was a bad point, but she had months to go. I feel so silly now. I think I saw it, but I didn't want to.
It feels so narcissistic to talk about this as if I am even remotely affected. I hurt for my mother, who lost her best friend. I ponder my own best friend, and wonder if we will be gabbing together about our arthritis and creaky knees well into our 80s. I send waves of concern and sympathy to her children, who are going to navigate the waters of adulthood without her presence and wisdom. And, again, I say, death doesn't make sense to me. How can one person be out running errands, looking forward to the night to come, while another takes her last breath?
I ran across this poem about death by Emily Bronte. I really like the last stanza. I think because of the imagery of death being rotten and moldy and putrid. It becomes manure. And manure stinks. But we can't grow rich young trees without manure.
Death by Emily Bronte
Death! that struck when I was most confiding
In my certain faith of joy to be -
Strike again, Time's withered branch dividing
From the fresh root of Eternity!
Leaves, upon Time's branch, were growing brightly,
Full of sap, and full of silver dew;
Birds beneath its shelter gathered nightly;
Daily round its flowers the wild bees flew.
Sorrow passed, and plucked the golden blossom;
Guilt stripped off the foliage in its pride;
But, within its parent's kindly bosom,
Flowed for ever Life's restoring-tide.
Little mourned I for the parted gladness,
For the vacant nest and silent song -
Hope was there, and laughed me out of sadness;
Whispering, " Winter will not linger long!"
And, behold! with tenfold increase blessing,
Spring adorned the beauty-burdened spray;
Wind and rain and fervent heat, caressing,
Lavished glory on that second May!
High it rose - no winged grief could sweep it;
Sin was scared to distance with its shine;
Love, and its own life, had power to keep it
From all wrong - from every blight but thine!
Cruel Death! The young leaves droop and languish;
Evening's gentle air may still restore -
No! the morning sunshine mocks my anguish -
Time, for me, must never blossom more!
Strike it down, that other boughs may flourish
Where that perished sapling used to be;
Thus, at least, its mouldering corpse will nourish
That from which it sprung - Eternity.
To stop before I become too maudlin, I am going to shut my computer, call my mom and cry with her, kiss my babies, give my husband a hug, and go to sleep. And, I am going to enjoy my world of friends and family. They are so precious to me, and unfortunately, I don't get them forever.
This woman was a childhood friend of my mother. My mom credits her knowledge of Jesus and her path to salvation as a direct result of a friendship with this woman and her family. They have kept in close touch throughout the years. They have had babies, marriages, divorces, good times, and bad times in their 30+ years of friendship. Suprisingly enough, both of their mothers are still alive and kicking. My mother's BFF, as I will now call her, had a very aggressive form of cancer. We found out about it around this time last year. Last year! One year. Perfectly healthy. Wasted away. When I think about this too deeply, it makes me confused. My mother is 52 (sorry, Mom!). She is young, she has grandchildren, she teaches school, she dates her husband, she chauffeurs her children about, she visits for the holidays. 52 is not a time to wilt away into nothingness. Why does this woman not get to see her children and grandchildren grow? Why is her own mother surviving her?!?
I remember when we all found out. There is so much hope. "I am going to beat this". "I'm fine. Really". And the tests keep coming back worse and worse. The hair goes. But not the smile. Not the fierce determination. Until one day, it does. We just saw mom's BFF 6 days ago. She had aged 20 years. She shuffled around the house in her PJs, and she just looked like a shell of herself. She could hardly keep anything down, and she appeared to get confused easily. When you snuck a peek at her, she seemed lost. Or perhaps like she had just retreated into herself.
I don't understand death. This person was alive. She existed. Yesterday she was here and today she is not. Yes, yes, I know all about the spirit being eternal, and your legacy lives on. Yadda yadda. But she physically is. not. here. My husband said he had a feeling that Saturday was going to be the last time we saw her. I don't know where that intuition comes from. I did not feel that way. I really thought she was going to be fine. This was a bad point, but she had months to go. I feel so silly now. I think I saw it, but I didn't want to.
It feels so narcissistic to talk about this as if I am even remotely affected. I hurt for my mother, who lost her best friend. I ponder my own best friend, and wonder if we will be gabbing together about our arthritis and creaky knees well into our 80s. I send waves of concern and sympathy to her children, who are going to navigate the waters of adulthood without her presence and wisdom. And, again, I say, death doesn't make sense to me. How can one person be out running errands, looking forward to the night to come, while another takes her last breath?
I ran across this poem about death by Emily Bronte. I really like the last stanza. I think because of the imagery of death being rotten and moldy and putrid. It becomes manure. And manure stinks. But we can't grow rich young trees without manure.
Death by Emily Bronte
Death! that struck when I was most confiding
In my certain faith of joy to be -
Strike again, Time's withered branch dividing
From the fresh root of Eternity!
Leaves, upon Time's branch, were growing brightly,
Full of sap, and full of silver dew;
Birds beneath its shelter gathered nightly;
Daily round its flowers the wild bees flew.
Sorrow passed, and plucked the golden blossom;
Guilt stripped off the foliage in its pride;
But, within its parent's kindly bosom,
Flowed for ever Life's restoring-tide.
Little mourned I for the parted gladness,
For the vacant nest and silent song -
Hope was there, and laughed me out of sadness;
Whispering, " Winter will not linger long!"
And, behold! with tenfold increase blessing,
Spring adorned the beauty-burdened spray;
Wind and rain and fervent heat, caressing,
Lavished glory on that second May!
High it rose - no winged grief could sweep it;
Sin was scared to distance with its shine;
Love, and its own life, had power to keep it
From all wrong - from every blight but thine!
Cruel Death! The young leaves droop and languish;
Evening's gentle air may still restore -
No! the morning sunshine mocks my anguish -
Time, for me, must never blossom more!
Strike it down, that other boughs may flourish
Where that perished sapling used to be;
Thus, at least, its mouldering corpse will nourish
That from which it sprung - Eternity.
To stop before I become too maudlin, I am going to shut my computer, call my mom and cry with her, kiss my babies, give my husband a hug, and go to sleep. And, I am going to enjoy my world of friends and family. They are so precious to me, and unfortunately, I don't get them forever.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Venting
I need to vent for a minute. And I need someone to tell me--bitchy or not? Where do my thoughts need to be in all this?
So, once again, I am caught in the "whose job is more important conundrum". Elisa has ballet on Tuesdays and someone normally takes her. That person cannot today, so I asked Na and he said yes. He is going to leave work for 45 minutes to take her. Someone else is slated to pick her up. I am also working at this time, but it is hourly, not salary and it is hard for me to take off. Anyway, Na is in a meeting that he cannot leave. So, who has to go to their boss and come up with a mysterious errand and is it alright for me to clock out and then clock back in? I feel like such a dummy. An ill-prepared un-professional dummy. He doesn't like it when I ask for things like this, but what can I do? And why does Nathan's job get more importance? Because he makes more money? Perhaps that is it. It is still frustrating. And, I hate that both of us feel like we are displeasing our bosses if we have to do something for our kids! I am so frustrated right now!
And, I should note that working hourly generally sucks. I really feel for all the people with children out there that have to do that! I think I am having some major pride issues as well because I have degree and I shouldn't have to. But you know what, I have kids and debt, so I am really doing the best I can. I am always looking for something part-time that utilizes my degree but those are few and far between here in Longview, Texas!
So, once again, I am caught in the "whose job is more important conundrum". Elisa has ballet on Tuesdays and someone normally takes her. That person cannot today, so I asked Na and he said yes. He is going to leave work for 45 minutes to take her. Someone else is slated to pick her up. I am also working at this time, but it is hourly, not salary and it is hard for me to take off. Anyway, Na is in a meeting that he cannot leave. So, who has to go to their boss and come up with a mysterious errand and is it alright for me to clock out and then clock back in? I feel like such a dummy. An ill-prepared un-professional dummy. He doesn't like it when I ask for things like this, but what can I do? And why does Nathan's job get more importance? Because he makes more money? Perhaps that is it. It is still frustrating. And, I hate that both of us feel like we are displeasing our bosses if we have to do something for our kids! I am so frustrated right now!
And, I should note that working hourly generally sucks. I really feel for all the people with children out there that have to do that! I think I am having some major pride issues as well because I have degree and I shouldn't have to. But you know what, I have kids and debt, so I am really doing the best I can. I am always looking for something part-time that utilizes my degree but those are few and far between here in Longview, Texas!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Potty Training Part II, Big Boy Bed, and Hobby Lobby
I am going to start by saying that Hobby Lobby is a treacherous web of deception and lies. I am not a crafty person in the slightest, and I generally get overwhelmed by crafty things. However, I braved a trip to HL with my little boys to buy a frame. It should have been an in and out job, but that place is full of so much kitsch it can cross your eyes. I found myself side-tracked by shiny pretty baubles and the wheels in my head started turning. "I can make this. Wouldn't that look cute... I can totally rock this look in my house!" Cart full, I realize that when I head home, this will actually just be pieces of crap, not magnificient works of art. What the H-E-double hockey sticks was I thinking?!? I can't do any of this s#!t. As I leave, I give HL the stink eye.
We introduced Noah to his big boy bed last night. The toddler bed has been in his room since we moved, and he has just continued to sleep in his crib. We hadn't talked about the big boy bed, we just did our regular nightly routine and placed him in the toddler bed instead of the crib. He was upset at first. Nathan had to go back in and read some extra stories. And, amazingly, he just laid down and went to sleep. I don't even know what to say. Nathan was like, "Is it supposed to be this easy?!?" I dunno. Again, at nap time today, I said, "Are you ready to go to sleep? Noah said "Yeah" in his baby language, and I just laid him down. He slept for two hours. So, okay. Yay for us. I love my sweet little boy. Now, about that paci....We are going to need Jesus for that.
The girls are both potty trained, but wear pull-ups at night. I just up and decided that Elisa was old enough to go without one. I don't know if this is true, I just didn't feel like buying 60 pull-ups a month. So, we just talked about wearing big girl panties at night and we have her go to the bathroom before she goes to bed. We leave the bathroom light on so she can go if she wakes up and sometimes she does. However, she is still wetting her bed about 50% of the time. I am not sure if her body is ready, but she is almost 5. Thoughts or ideas, anyone?
We introduced Noah to his big boy bed last night. The toddler bed has been in his room since we moved, and he has just continued to sleep in his crib. We hadn't talked about the big boy bed, we just did our regular nightly routine and placed him in the toddler bed instead of the crib. He was upset at first. Nathan had to go back in and read some extra stories. And, amazingly, he just laid down and went to sleep. I don't even know what to say. Nathan was like, "Is it supposed to be this easy?!?" I dunno. Again, at nap time today, I said, "Are you ready to go to sleep? Noah said "Yeah" in his baby language, and I just laid him down. He slept for two hours. So, okay. Yay for us. I love my sweet little boy. Now, about that paci....We are going to need Jesus for that.
The girls are both potty trained, but wear pull-ups at night. I just up and decided that Elisa was old enough to go without one. I don't know if this is true, I just didn't feel like buying 60 pull-ups a month. So, we just talked about wearing big girl panties at night and we have her go to the bathroom before she goes to bed. We leave the bathroom light on so she can go if she wakes up and sometimes she does. However, she is still wetting her bed about 50% of the time. I am not sure if her body is ready, but she is almost 5. Thoughts or ideas, anyone?
Friday, November 5, 2010
Vote for one of my kids!
Hey friends! I put up pics of my kids for the local mag cover contest and they all got picked! (I think they took all the admissions :)) Anyway, I would really appreciate it if you could vote: Elisa, Ava, Noah, or Micah http://bit.ly/aqpO4D
Cast your vote for the Child Cover Winner by emailing
publisher@longviewcommunitymag.com First name of child should be in the subject line. Only one entry per email will be accepted. Voting ends November 9th at midnight Winner will be announced on November 10th
I am really excited, and don't worry, I won't know which kid you voted for--I know they are all adorable, just pick your fav! I am not going to be able to vote I don't think! Ha!
Cast your vote for the Child Cover Winner by emailing
publisher@longviewcommunitymag.com First name of child should be in the subject line. Only one entry per email will be accepted. Voting ends November 9th at midnight Winner will be announced on November 10th
I am really excited, and don't worry, I won't know which kid you voted for--I know they are all adorable, just pick your fav! I am not going to be able to vote I don't think! Ha!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Some Family Language
I am sure everyone is like this, but we have a few words or phrases that are unique to our family. Just thought I would share a few:
"Wockles" = waffles (someone just prounces them that way--I don't know)
"Fancy" = handsome (Somewhere along the line our girls thought the word "fancy" was synonymous with handsome. It is the male form of beautiful and there is absolutely no way to convince them it means anything else. Do not, I repeat, do not, tell Elisa or Ava that they look fancy as they will take it as an insult from the bowels of hell that you would compare them to a boy.)
"Wa-wa" = Noah's way of saying paci, lovey, water, milk, drink or food (and probably many other things). It is a fun little guessing game to see what it is he actually wants.
"Da" = Noah saying yes.
Nakee = Naked, or, one's personal state after leaving the bath tub and dropping one's towel to run about the house.
Let me preface this next one by saying that while I do label body parts correctly for my children, we generally say "boy parts" and "girl parts" when discussing our private areas. I was changing Noah the other day and Elisa was in the room asking me about him. I figured this was as good a time as any to give correct medical terms. After this discussion, she walked away with her own unique take that girls have "jemimas" and boys have "venuses". Ooookay. Job well done, Mom!
"Wockles" = waffles (someone just prounces them that way--I don't know)
"Fancy" = handsome (Somewhere along the line our girls thought the word "fancy" was synonymous with handsome. It is the male form of beautiful and there is absolutely no way to convince them it means anything else. Do not, I repeat, do not, tell Elisa or Ava that they look fancy as they will take it as an insult from the bowels of hell that you would compare them to a boy.)
"Wa-wa" = Noah's way of saying paci, lovey, water, milk, drink or food (and probably many other things). It is a fun little guessing game to see what it is he actually wants.
"Da" = Noah saying yes.
Nakee = Naked, or, one's personal state after leaving the bath tub and dropping one's towel to run about the house.
Let me preface this next one by saying that while I do label body parts correctly for my children, we generally say "boy parts" and "girl parts" when discussing our private areas. I was changing Noah the other day and Elisa was in the room asking me about him. I figured this was as good a time as any to give correct medical terms. After this discussion, she walked away with her own unique take that girls have "jemimas" and boys have "venuses". Ooookay. Job well done, Mom!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Hard not to feel depressed, but there's hope
Friends, I have recently come to the conclusion that I am not a good employee. This may have been glaringly obvious to most of you, but it is a shocker to me. Having a career has been very important to me since I graduated college, and I try to put my best into my job. I know that I need time away from my kids to serve them better, but that doesn't take away from my desire to be a good employee. It has recently occured to me that my children might be the reason for my job troubles. I have to find a sitter every time I go to work. This can be challenging. What if that person is sick or has her own children's issues to attend to? Then I can't go to work and I look and feel like a flake. I was looking around for seasonal employment today, and I applied to JCP. After the online 50 question application they said, and I kid you not, "Based on your responses, you do not meet the requirements for employment with JCP", or some similar nonsense. Okay, for crying out loud, I was applying to fold shirts and run the cash register! What could possibly un-qualify me?!? One of the questions was what was the motivating factor for my choice of job. I answered "flexibility in schedule" as opposed to "desire to do a good job or please my boss" or some other such nonsense. When asked what I prefer to do when I am stressed I answered "spend time with family in friends". These are the only responses I can point to to explain why JCP does not want me. And yeah, I realize that it is not personal. But it still hurts. Starbucks didn't want me and neither does JCP. In the past, I would have taken up space ranting and railing about the unfairness of our system that it does not provide environment that ready and willing SAHMs can occupy. We women with children are smart. We are capable. We just also happen to be responsible for our homes and families as well. And it is a fact that men do not suffer the same oppression and stereotypecasting from potential employers. However, the other fact remains that I am more of a gamble for employers. If my kid is sick, I have to stay home. If my sitter is sick, I have to stay home. If I want to change my hours to fit my home life, that is frowned upon. And I can understand. But it still makes me mad. And sad. Because if I had never gotten my family into a debt mess, I wouldn't have the pressure to produce an income just to live day-to-day life. I cannot explain to you the deep sadness I feel that I have put this pressure on myself and our family. This is beyond me just wanting to get out of the house; this has become a necessity to pay bills. I would love to make it until Micah is two before I have to get a full-time job. Just two more years at home with my babies and then I can make more money! Here is the thing: I know that God will provide. I have seen him do it over and over again. I hate myself for wallowing in this self-pity when I know that God has never failed us and never will. I think what I need right now is encouragement to just pray and remain faithful to trusting God every day. I don't know what is going to happen in January. I want my girls to stay at the wonderful preschool they are at. I want to commit to tithing this year at our wonderful church. I want to keep the girls in the ballet classes they love so much. But at this point, I don't know what is going to happen after Christmas. But I do know that God will take care of us, right?
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