Things she carries

So lately I have been consumed with worry about things I have no control over.

Issue #1:
My husband and I have credit card debt, and while it is not ghastly, it is enough to chap my rear and drive me bonkers! I want it gone! So, we have decided to cut the cards, number 1, but we have also decided to put our house on the market. We want to cut down on our monthly expenses so that we can have more to pay towards our debt. I recently got a small part-time job offer that will certainly bring in more income but not take my husband or I away from our girls for any longer during the week. What an amazing blessing! However, location-wise, we need to get our house gone. So, the same day, a woman knocks on my door and asks to rent our house. Rent, mind you, not buy. We hadn't considered it, but now I wonder--what does it mean? If everything checks out, is this "God's hand"? It is kind of a risky thing to do...

Issue #2:
I am wondering when and if to have more children. Yes, I have two, but remember, I come from a family of 5 children. Having more does not scare me. It is trying to figure out the timing that scares me. My first two children kind of happened to me. My husband and I got married in college and had babies right after. We are now officially "grown-ups". I sped through those "young" and "married" phases rather quickly. I am for the first time looking at my life and wondering what I really want to do with it. Can't take back the kids, nor do I want to. But I also don't want to continue just "speeding through life". If I am in the middle of raising babies right now, it makes sense to just continue to "pop them out" and then tie things up when we're done. But what's next? I am always going to be the youngest parent in my children's friends' circle. Once I have my third or fourth child, I really am done with the baby stage. And I love the baby stage. I almost feel like the excitement of the freshness of my life is over. And I feel taken aback by that. I want to have a career outside my children, but I am terrified about who I will be when they grow up and leave. I guess I don't feel like I truly gave myself a professional personality, and I don't feel comfortable outside my children. And I want to. However, I want more children. Doesn't it make sense to have them now, so that I can allow myself to move on and develop my career when they are older instead of waiting until the time is just magically perfect to have #3 or #4? Or, will having another child be the absolute worst thing I could do at this point in my life? Will I get overwhelmed? Am I already?

As anyone who even made it through this diatribe can see, I have never really journaled before. Being an LMSW, I should know how cathartic it is, but I am really surprised. I feel, at least, that a burden is lifted by releasing my thoughts out into the wild. For some reason, I feel that our future as a family rests on what we choose to do with this next year (be it baby, moving, paying off debt, accruing debt, buying a car, buying two cars, all of the above, and so on and so forth). That is a heavy burden for me to bear...