Have you ever had one of those days where it seems guilt just gets comfortable and snuggles into your neck and shoulders and takes a nap? That lasts all day? Perhaps all week? Here is what I constantly battle as a stay-at-home/career-driven/financially motivated mom: that I am never at any given time doing the right thing. My current list of worries:
1. Overdrew the f***ing bank account for the third time this month. To buy pizza. Pizza! That I shouldn't have been eating in the first place. If I had to listen to the kids whine for even 5 more minutes in the car...so, I saw a sign for 2 for the price of 1 pizzas, and I caved. And gained 5 lbs.
2. Child woke up in middle of night last night so was holy terror today. Afraid that child might suffer adult onset hysteria due to my short patience and blatant annoyance with her all day.
3. I HAVE GOT TO LOSE 20lbs !!!
4. House is a filthy, rotten mess. No sooner do I pick up the toys then they magically appear in another room. Did I mention house was currently on the market (for sale)?
5. Employer for small part-time job wants to discuss "my future" with the company--asap. Ack! What the h*ll does that mean?
6. Must turn in 2, concise 800 word articles for local magazine. In 2 weeks.
7. Need to potty-train 2 year-old.
8. Must decide whether current part-time job at preschool is personally fufilling enough to stick with it. Hmm. It's not. However, must make money...
9. Yes, we are in debt. Credit card debt. Due to many things, mostly my love for Target and Starbucks.
10. Started a career in real estate hoping to help pay these credit card bills. It hasn't. Not yet. People keep screwing me over.
11. Must remember to kindle some kind of intimacy with husband.
12. In the process of buying a car. Looking for the perfectly priced, pre-owned minivan. Personal cool factor in the negative numbers. Will replace current car. Only car.
Feeling guilty for feeling guilty. Ate too much, didn't love on my children enough, failed to find meaningful job, nor did I take care of anything mentioned above, and so on and so forth...
But, I stop myself here. This was a look at the negatives, the evil, evil GUILT. Guilt (to be distinguished from conviction-knowing you have wronged and seeking to right that wrong versus the above-mentioned guilt) has no place in my life and certainly should not get comfortable. And thus the reason for the blog. If I give voice to the things that weigh me down, they no longer have a silent power. And I could say, this is an opportunity for personal growth, blah, blah, blah....But I will not say that. These are big things. And having these worries kind of sucks. But, I feel certain that other women carry similar concerns. And, I would say, we have enough on our plate without having guilt hibernating on our backs for the winter to weigh us down. By and large, isn't life joyful? I have never looked at my child and said to myself "I regret that". Let it go, ladies. Let it go.
2 comments:
well said, friend. i relate to much of what you said! keep ya head up!
Then we must ask ourselves in the midst of all of the turmoil and the confusion, is this my life? And we are quickly reminded "Yes this is your life." And where is God in all of this? God sometimes has to constantly remind me, sometimes more painfully than I would like that I am not in control. So we continue on in the daily activities of our life. Learning to love, loving to learn, and living to do both. Oh yeah and the children. My daughter, since birth, is a different child. When I have more time I can share in the complexities of being a mother without the husband. Whew!!! Wouldn't that be nice. I can only dream of that day.
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