Friends, you have always known me as someone who is a fan of pregnancy. It is a beautiful thing, and I don't ever want to take for granted how easily it occurs for some or how difficult it is for others. I joke about "just having a baby" with all my newly married friends. I don't know if it is the third pregnancy in general or just the fact that I have had 3 pregnancies in 4 years time, but this one is HARD. My hormone levels must be off the charts. I find myself weepy and sad much of the time. I feel endless amounts of guilt that I cannot muster up as much enthusiasm for my little boy as I did for my girls. I hardly interact with my husband beyond "hi", "bye", and "will you please clean?". I have no energy and want to spend most of my time in bed. I am short with my girls and find myself drifting directionless throughout my days. I don't really enjoy much of anything, and that is so scary. I hate that I don't feel like myself. My other pregnancies were empowering for me. They brought joy and excitement to mine and Nathan's life. I can't figure out why I feel so differently this time around. I understand that so much of this is probably just the hormonal imbalance of pregnancy compounded by the fact that I have a preschooler and a toddler to care for; and it doesn't help that I am not sleeping well. However, I still can't shake the feelings of guilt that I owe more to my children then what I am currently offering. They are only this age once and I should be more present in their daily lives instead of existing in this "zombie-like" state. Nathan says that I feed myself horribly negative messages and that I have some kind of "imaginary measuring stick" for how a mother should be that I always fall short of. I keep thinking that if I can just get it together maybe I will feel happier?
My worst fear is that I will look back and feel a deep sense of remorse for missing precious happy times with my children b/c I was too consumed with restlessness and sadness. I don't get a "do-over". And I have been perfectly aware of all my life choices. If I don't regret any of them...why do I still feel so much discontent?
I do think there is an element of spiritual warfare here as well. As a young mother, I DO think we are given false images of what life is supposed to look like--namely where you live, what you drive, and how much disposable income you are supposed to have. Since we clearly don't look like that family or that family, then something must be lacking in our lives. And that, unfortunately, is a lie and not from God.
Well, mellow rant tonight. But I am so encouraged to be back blogging and crafting this little webpage to be my personal safe space. I hope you are all doing well my friends.
4 comments:
3 blogs in one day! You're on a role :) I hope you feel better - Jenna felt worse her second time when carrying her boy....can we blame it on the male gender? :)
hey Christy, my sister in law was saying the same thing for her third and my mom agreed being pregnant with #3 with two toddlers was her hardest too. Did your mom feel the same way? Does it help to think it may be normal and will pass??? :)
I felt that way with my 1st and he's a boy. :) Let's blame it on the male hormones. I hope you feel better soon.
I am so happy you are blogging again! I love your posts and the way you write and most importantly your honesty. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you right now being pregnant and having two to run after. I was miserable and hated being pregnant and I didn't have any other children. I will be praying for you and your family. I hope you feel better soon and keep blogging!!!
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