Y'all check out Nathan's blog. He is SOOO funny to me. I realize this is probably why I married him (and really there weren't that many other takers! ;)) But that's ok. He cracks me up and that's all that's important.
Yesterday morning, I get up and Elisa goes: "Mommy, why is your hair always looking so messy?" So, what I wanted to say was "Have YOU looked in the mirror lately little girl?!". But the mom answer I gave was somewhere along the lines of "Mommy is tired and just needs a shower. This is what happens when you sleep without washing your hair". And then I went into my room and cried. :)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
It almost seems like...
So, I promised Micah would be here, but come on guys--can I really make promises like that?!? I mean, he's a baby for crying out loud! He still gets to call the shots for a while. But when he emerges...then he'll really learn who is in charge! :)
Last week, the doctor said I was 4 cm dilated, 40% effaced. Any day was the verdict. All weekend I was CONVINCED he would come. I even got my breast pump out to try and hurry things along. NOT A SINGLE CONTRACTION. Not one. The end of pregnancy is a like a bad joke where you are suspended in time, waiting for a punch line that never comes. My friends have been so supportive and kind, but I get the feeling they are getting bored. Where is that baby you promised? I know you are fat and waddling and all, but where's the kid that's supposed to be in there? And my personal favorite: "Are you still pregnant?" Or, "Weren't you due last week?" Well duh...yes. Still pregnant. First clue? My swagger? And, no, not actually due until the 27th. I feel bad, though. Some women go past their due dates. I really don't have it that bad. And I am truly mentally okay. I keep gaining weight which is not cool and it is really hard to sleep, but by and large, I know that he will eventually get here. This is basically around the time that I had my other children: between 38 and 39 weeks. I think what gets me is that for the past 2 weeks I have been thinking any day (preggo ladies--37 weeks means nothing. you know this. just don't let yourself go there. you still have 15-20+ days. deal with it.). I am getting so used to this bloated, edge-of-seat existence it almost seems like...he doesn't really exist. Know what I mean?
Well, doc today says still 4 cm, but thinner and really really could be any day. But if not, Thursday it will be. This is my first time to actually be induced and I have to say I like the drama and the change of pace from other pregnancies. I am so tired I think I could be talked into anything. I was worried that it would take longer and be more painful, but the doc assures me that I don't need that much Pitocin. I am already halfway there and it is my fourth. I can get my antibiotics and plan where my kids will go. Should just jump start me and I should have a baby within 3 hours of drugs. That sounds like a plan to me. I go in Thursday lunch time, get the Group B Strep antibiotics and then get Pitocin at 4 pm. Have baby by 8 pm at latest. Get out of hospital by Saturday lunchtime. I am so cool with that. Let's just hope everything goes according to plan. Because babies do that, you know. ;)
Last week, the doctor said I was 4 cm dilated, 40% effaced. Any day was the verdict. All weekend I was CONVINCED he would come. I even got my breast pump out to try and hurry things along. NOT A SINGLE CONTRACTION. Not one. The end of pregnancy is a like a bad joke where you are suspended in time, waiting for a punch line that never comes. My friends have been so supportive and kind, but I get the feeling they are getting bored. Where is that baby you promised? I know you are fat and waddling and all, but where's the kid that's supposed to be in there? And my personal favorite: "Are you still pregnant?" Or, "Weren't you due last week?" Well duh...yes. Still pregnant. First clue? My swagger? And, no, not actually due until the 27th. I feel bad, though. Some women go past their due dates. I really don't have it that bad. And I am truly mentally okay. I keep gaining weight which is not cool and it is really hard to sleep, but by and large, I know that he will eventually get here. This is basically around the time that I had my other children: between 38 and 39 weeks. I think what gets me is that for the past 2 weeks I have been thinking any day (preggo ladies--37 weeks means nothing. you know this. just don't let yourself go there. you still have 15-20+ days. deal with it.). I am getting so used to this bloated, edge-of-seat existence it almost seems like...he doesn't really exist. Know what I mean?
Well, doc today says still 4 cm, but thinner and really really could be any day. But if not, Thursday it will be. This is my first time to actually be induced and I have to say I like the drama and the change of pace from other pregnancies. I am so tired I think I could be talked into anything. I was worried that it would take longer and be more painful, but the doc assures me that I don't need that much Pitocin. I am already halfway there and it is my fourth. I can get my antibiotics and plan where my kids will go. Should just jump start me and I should have a baby within 3 hours of drugs. That sounds like a plan to me. I go in Thursday lunch time, get the Group B Strep antibiotics and then get Pitocin at 4 pm. Have baby by 8 pm at latest. Get out of hospital by Saturday lunchtime. I am so cool with that. Let's just hope everything goes according to plan. Because babies do that, you know. ;)
Monday, August 2, 2010
Hard to find the time...
Greetings all! For those I haven't talked with lately, yes, we made it to New York and back! It was...interesting. The trip itself, I mean. It was lovely in New York. My sister-in-law's family is so hospitable and welcoming. Their wedding was wonderful. They live in upstate New York, and the county if beautiful. Totally like a painting. The food and fellowship was so good, I am looking forward to a chance to go back--maybe in the winter so we can ski!
Things I learned in the car on the way there and back:
Things I learned in the car on the way there and back:
- 3 children produce an amazing amount of urine in a 20 hour period
- we traversed 7 states (Texas, Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York), and of all 7, Ohio was the worst--it took 6-7 hours to bisect it--I mean, like, are we in another state yet or what?
- my kids are inevitably the most cranky when I am the most cranky
- lowest parenting moment: Yelling "shut up" at the top of my lungs at one point in Ohio (see bullet point #2)
- it is actually possible to do this--I feel much more comfortable planning a trip to say, Florida or California now that I know what to expect
In other news, I am 36 1/2 weeks and ready for this baby in about 2 weeks...hopefully he will be just like the other 3 and come b/t 38 and 39 weeks. Packed and ready to go. Carseat in the car. My van is like a little carseat carnival.
Current state of mind:
- My best girlfriend recently got engaged and I haven't had a chance to "dish" with her yet. I hate that my life is so crazy that we cannot connect. It kills me. Even as I write this blog, I have a child screaming in the background b/c he cannot get some toy to do what he wants it to.
- Just found out I am Strep B positive again for the 4th time. Really bummed as well because that means I have to be hooked up to antibiotics for 4+ hours prior to delivery. In my first and third pregnancies, I obviously didn't make it that long and they had to keep my babies an extra night in the hospital to screen them. They were obviously fine, but it is just another worry I don't really want/need.
- My hubby has been working A LOT lately...which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I am just getting anxious about impending labor/delivery coinciding with the start of fall/school. I hope our pace to life will change when Micah gets here because I am just feeling uber worn out. Na has to go to Houston Wednesday night just for an overnight trip but of course that is when I will go into labor, right? :)
- My oldest baby (she is only 4!) is currently on the Blanco river near Austin with my mother. She has been gone since Friday is coming back tomorrow (Tuesday). I know I should take advantage of being minus a child, but I miss her like crazy. She even sounds different on the phone. So grown up and able to handle being away from home for 5 days! I had a mental breakdown last night when I hadn't heard from her all day. I chalk it up to hormones, but I also feel bittersweet about my baby growing up. She starts PreK in 2 weeks. Sigh.
At this point, you probably will not hear from me until after Micah is born, but I will post pics when he arrives!
Friday, July 9, 2010
What is the world coming to?
Yes, yes...I realize my blog has been sorely neglected for two months. Give me a break--I'm bloated up to my eyeballs with my fourth kid. I mean, I have been doing stuff...not just sitting around and gaining weight (although do look notoriously like a whale on stilts). But seriously, pregnancy is torture. At this point, I am starving all the time, but my stomach is the size of a pea, so when I eat, I immediately become nauseous and fight the urge to purge. So, a bulimic whale on stilts. And physically speaking, I literally walk like a whale on stilts would walk. Defies all laws of physics. If I saw myself walking down the street, I would think, "how is that possible?" Seems likely I will topple over any minute. Anywho...
While there has been much going on in Casa Collins, for my return to the blogosphere, I wish to relate the most current event. This very day I had the most bizarre experience. My home phone rings at 9 this morning. Now, I know this is horribly suburban housewife of me, but I usually don't answer my home phone. I have a sneaking suspicion that it might be a telemarketer or creditor...isn't that sad? I thought it might be my husband because I had misplaced my cell phone (sneaking suspicion child is involved). I hear an accented voice greet me and then promptly ask me to verify that I have credit card debt. I am taken aback because I don't know this person and I don't need to tell them that I have/don't have consumer debt. Continues to ask me to verify debt. I ask, "why are you asking me this question?". I begin to hear the obligatory "I work for a company that can help you...". I have to be somewhere 5 minutes ago and neither myself nor my children are dressed. I don't think I was rude but I just said "we have consolidated and are not interested. Thank you.". And I hung up. The phone immediately rang again. I thought it might be a problem with the phone line so I immediately picked up the phone and hung up again. And the phone rings again. Thinking this might actually be husband, I answer. Get this: the little bugger has called me back!!! He proceeds to tell me that he was talking and I hung up on him! He begins to yell at me while I sit with my mouth open thinking "this is NOT really happening". He asks "can I talk now?". I still have my mouth open. He proceeds to tell me that with his program no interest is paid unlike with consolidation companies where interest rates are negotiated. He finishes his paragraph and I say "I have listened to you and I am still not interested. Hanging up now.". OKAY. Did this really just happen to me? Unfortunately, yes. I mean, where does this guy get off thinking he has the right to talk down to me? I realize that his job sucks (like majorly) but umm, did he really think I was going to suddenly change my mind and go "OMG! You are so right! You're program sounds awesome--sign me up--you are a telemarketing god--forgive me for hanging up on you--will you marry me and we can have lots of sex and babies?"
Moving on...I just want to briefly touch on my blog adjectives. I profess to be the HOT. MESS. MOMMA. HOT--Ok, not vanity. I am literally burning up. So. Hot. Physically. Skin is melting off. Night sweats. Burning desire to curl up and sit in freezer. Sadly impossible. MESS--Metaphorically a cute way to describe my inability to keep my thoughts together. However, again literal. My hair is unkempt, my house is littered with toys and cereal and spilt milk. Laundry run amuck. Dishes attracting bugs in the sink. So, not cute--messy. MOMMA--I have 3.8 children. Soon to be 4. He just needs to cook for about 6 more weeks.
Let's discuss aforementioned children. Primarily one: Ava Collins. I LOVE her with all my heart. She is my baby and probably the most like myself of all my children. But, I am going to use cyber space to safely say, in a loving way, that she is a kind of a mean-spirited little "beeya" sometimes. I cannot grasp what motivates her...perhaps a lack of control? The other day, she proceeded to take a decoration of her sister's and rip in to shreds. No apparent motive. Elisa was minding her own business. She then brings me this thing, with tears in her eyes: "Ava did this". Is Elisa prone to dramatics? Absolutely. Did she do anything to provoke this? No. Ava sometimes just has no remorse and takes delight and seeing others feel pain. She will bite her sister and brother when she is mad at them--leaving horrid marks. She shrieks when she is unhappy. Quite honestly, I just don't know what to do with her. I want to believe that this is a phase and she will grow into a lovely, well-adjusted adult, but I just don't know. She feels so very out of control in her personal life right now and I don't want her to feel lost. I want her to know she is loved, but I cannot find the right response when she is acting out. She makes me feel so helpless and angry. I search myself and parenting skills for what I am doing wrong or what inappropriate genetic code she has acquired. On a serious note, any encouragement or advice is greatly appreciated. She is mastering potty training right now--so that is a big life step. Mom is having baby #4 so she is going to shoved even farther into the family periphery (not necessarily true but I can understand the feeling of powerlessness). What does give me just a glimmer of hope is that while she is definitely the most vocal and involved child in our family, she is a wall flower in all her extracurricular undertakings. She runs under the radar in school, ballet, and swim lessons. She only acts like a serial killer in training at home. Hmm...isn't that what all the individuals in a serial killer's life say after the fact? "He/she was so sweet. Always so accommodating. Never suspected". Eek! My heart just breaks for her--I just want to help and yet feel so helpless on how to do so.
Upcoming life events:
*More busy summer. I literally get up at 7:30 am and crash at 8 at night. We do swim, ballet, Pump It Up, and have been traveling like maniacs. I am enjoying it, but I am so so tired. And, like I remind my dear sweet husband, while existing IN the world, my interactions WITH the world are nonexistent. Even much-needed phone calls to friends and family are difficult. There is always, always a child or two or three or four yelling for something (or for no reason at all) in the background that makes meaningful conversation virtually impossible.
*Leaving Tuesday for a two day trip to upstate New York. Celebrating brother-in-law's wedding. I am really looking forward to it. Will be gone a week. Hardest part is convincing mother that I will not birth baby on side of road. I will at least pick a Buckees or a Flying J. Sheesh.
*Taking a leave of absence from work this year. Going to do the FTSAHM (full-time stay at home mom) thing. A little frightened, but look at it as a growing experience. I still have plenty of time to do the career thing. I think I am probably going to turn into one of those uber-involved polished mommies. Will run the PTA and get on children's teachers' very last nerve with all my wonderful ideas for how to improve their teaching of my child. SIKE! But fun to daydream. I imagine most of my days will be spent trying to keep breast milk off my clothing and my hair from falling into my eyes and from getting too much baby spittle on my person. Will make carpool just 2.5 minutes late every day and will hide behind overlarge sunglasses. Will hope desperately children will succeed in school DESPITE having me a for a hotmessmother. :)
If I could reach out and give everyone (a politically correct side) hug--I would do it with open arms! I hope you all are well!
While there has been much going on in Casa Collins, for my return to the blogosphere, I wish to relate the most current event. This very day I had the most bizarre experience. My home phone rings at 9 this morning. Now, I know this is horribly suburban housewife of me, but I usually don't answer my home phone. I have a sneaking suspicion that it might be a telemarketer or creditor...isn't that sad? I thought it might be my husband because I had misplaced my cell phone (sneaking suspicion child is involved). I hear an accented voice greet me and then promptly ask me to verify that I have credit card debt. I am taken aback because I don't know this person and I don't need to tell them that I have/don't have consumer debt. Continues to ask me to verify debt. I ask, "why are you asking me this question?". I begin to hear the obligatory "I work for a company that can help you...". I have to be somewhere 5 minutes ago and neither myself nor my children are dressed. I don't think I was rude but I just said "we have consolidated and are not interested. Thank you.". And I hung up. The phone immediately rang again. I thought it might be a problem with the phone line so I immediately picked up the phone and hung up again. And the phone rings again. Thinking this might actually be husband, I answer. Get this: the little bugger has called me back!!! He proceeds to tell me that he was talking and I hung up on him! He begins to yell at me while I sit with my mouth open thinking "this is NOT really happening". He asks "can I talk now?". I still have my mouth open. He proceeds to tell me that with his program no interest is paid unlike with consolidation companies where interest rates are negotiated. He finishes his paragraph and I say "I have listened to you and I am still not interested. Hanging up now.". OKAY. Did this really just happen to me? Unfortunately, yes. I mean, where does this guy get off thinking he has the right to talk down to me? I realize that his job sucks (like majorly) but umm, did he really think I was going to suddenly change my mind and go "OMG! You are so right! You're program sounds awesome--sign me up--you are a telemarketing god--forgive me for hanging up on you--will you marry me and we can have lots of sex and babies?"
Moving on...I just want to briefly touch on my blog adjectives. I profess to be the HOT. MESS. MOMMA. HOT--Ok, not vanity. I am literally burning up. So. Hot. Physically. Skin is melting off. Night sweats. Burning desire to curl up and sit in freezer. Sadly impossible. MESS--Metaphorically a cute way to describe my inability to keep my thoughts together. However, again literal. My hair is unkempt, my house is littered with toys and cereal and spilt milk. Laundry run amuck. Dishes attracting bugs in the sink. So, not cute--messy. MOMMA--I have 3.8 children. Soon to be 4. He just needs to cook for about 6 more weeks.
Let's discuss aforementioned children. Primarily one: Ava Collins. I LOVE her with all my heart. She is my baby and probably the most like myself of all my children. But, I am going to use cyber space to safely say, in a loving way, that she is a kind of a mean-spirited little "beeya" sometimes. I cannot grasp what motivates her...perhaps a lack of control? The other day, she proceeded to take a decoration of her sister's and rip in to shreds. No apparent motive. Elisa was minding her own business. She then brings me this thing, with tears in her eyes: "Ava did this". Is Elisa prone to dramatics? Absolutely. Did she do anything to provoke this? No. Ava sometimes just has no remorse and takes delight and seeing others feel pain. She will bite her sister and brother when she is mad at them--leaving horrid marks. She shrieks when she is unhappy. Quite honestly, I just don't know what to do with her. I want to believe that this is a phase and she will grow into a lovely, well-adjusted adult, but I just don't know. She feels so very out of control in her personal life right now and I don't want her to feel lost. I want her to know she is loved, but I cannot find the right response when she is acting out. She makes me feel so helpless and angry. I search myself and parenting skills for what I am doing wrong or what inappropriate genetic code she has acquired. On a serious note, any encouragement or advice is greatly appreciated. She is mastering potty training right now--so that is a big life step. Mom is having baby #4 so she is going to shoved even farther into the family periphery (not necessarily true but I can understand the feeling of powerlessness). What does give me just a glimmer of hope is that while she is definitely the most vocal and involved child in our family, she is a wall flower in all her extracurricular undertakings. She runs under the radar in school, ballet, and swim lessons. She only acts like a serial killer in training at home. Hmm...isn't that what all the individuals in a serial killer's life say after the fact? "He/she was so sweet. Always so accommodating. Never suspected". Eek! My heart just breaks for her--I just want to help and yet feel so helpless on how to do so.
Upcoming life events:
*More busy summer. I literally get up at 7:30 am and crash at 8 at night. We do swim, ballet, Pump It Up, and have been traveling like maniacs. I am enjoying it, but I am so so tired. And, like I remind my dear sweet husband, while existing IN the world, my interactions WITH the world are nonexistent. Even much-needed phone calls to friends and family are difficult. There is always, always a child or two or three or four yelling for something (or for no reason at all) in the background that makes meaningful conversation virtually impossible.
*Leaving Tuesday for a two day trip to upstate New York. Celebrating brother-in-law's wedding. I am really looking forward to it. Will be gone a week. Hardest part is convincing mother that I will not birth baby on side of road. I will at least pick a Buckees or a Flying J. Sheesh.
*Taking a leave of absence from work this year. Going to do the FTSAHM (full-time stay at home mom) thing. A little frightened, but look at it as a growing experience. I still have plenty of time to do the career thing. I think I am probably going to turn into one of those uber-involved polished mommies. Will run the PTA and get on children's teachers' very last nerve with all my wonderful ideas for how to improve their teaching of my child. SIKE! But fun to daydream. I imagine most of my days will be spent trying to keep breast milk off my clothing and my hair from falling into my eyes and from getting too much baby spittle on my person. Will make carpool just 2.5 minutes late every day and will hide behind overlarge sunglasses. Will hope desperately children will succeed in school DESPITE having me a for a hotmessmother. :)
If I could reach out and give everyone (a politically correct side) hug--I would do it with open arms! I hope you all are well!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Moving Day!
We are getting a bigger place! Yay! I think we have broken a cardinal moving rule. We are just throwing things into boxes with the plan to sort and toss as we unpack. I think you are supposed to clean out as you PACK not as you UNPACK. Oh well...time crunch. We have been packing up a room a night and today our wonderful friends are coming to help us move furniture. Thank you thank you thank you! Somehow I manage to be pregnant literally EVERY TIME we move. Nathan thinks I do it on purpose but as I like to point out "You were there too sweetie!". We will post pics soon, but needless to say, we are overjoyed. I next challenge will be how long it takes us to unpack and get settled in the new place. I say July. That is kind of D-Day for a lot of things. Before we go to New York, the house will be settled, Ava will be potty trained, and Noah will be walking. Pray for me! :)
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Why I feel like a FAIL...part 317
You know, being a parent does bring with it some amazing joys. Your children are a source of constant amusement and pride. However, tied up with all this joy and amazement are uncharted territories of guilt, worry, and despair.
Example one:
Elisa made a cute little pot for me for MOther's Day. She made it at school and tried to tell me about it while I was still working. I was very distracted and I promised her she would have my undivided attention when we got home. I hate to brush her off, but work is work. Well, we get home and as soon as she steps out of the van, she drops the pot and it shatters all over the floor! Now, I feel wracked with guilt because I did not give her the time to tell me about it and now it is gone! She is very upset, and I try to console her. I pick up all the pieces and assemble them to be superglued. About the time I get the second of about a million pieces glued together, Elisa has lost interest and found something else to do. Determined to finish, I get about 2/3 of the way through before giving up because my fingers are covered in superglue, broken pot, and dirt. I had to clip the glue off my fingers giving me very sore finger pads for 2 days. What was the lesson here? Listen to your kids or spend eternity worrying that you have ruined their lives and psyches.
Example 2:
Ava has never lost her lovey. Some parents may not choose to give their children loveys for this very reason. Lost loveys equals sleepless nights, tears upon tears, and parents searching the internet for replacements willing to spend hundreds of dollars to GET IT HERE TOMORROW!!! Elisa has lost 2 loveys and Noah has lost 2 loveys and he is just 1! Ava never has, and she is the one that uses and needs her lovey the most. Lovey has been missing fro 2 days. It is breaking my heart! Ava asks about it about 4 times a day, but she doesn't appear to be too upset just yet. I am losing sleep and hair over it. I cannot think about anything else except where it might be. What is the lesson here? My child will gorw up to be a criminal if I cannot find this thing ASAP!
Example 3:
Noah is by far my most challenging child. He needs a lot more attention than the girls ever did. And I can provide it, but sometimes he just cries and squirms for no apparent reason. Doesn't want to be held, doesn't want food, diaper is clean. And frankly, when he gets like this, it pisses me off. I don't know what to do and it makes me angry. Why can't I make him happy? Where did I fail? But what is most disturbing is how sometimes I just don't want to be around him...what kind of parent does that make me? What is the lesson here? Noah will grow up feeling unloved and turn away from us to join a cult when he is older.
FAIL! Times like these and I find myself wondering how I can do it at all. I am holding myself supremely responsible for my children's happiness. That's hard. I know I should lighten up a bit, but they are my babies, and what more can you want then for them to be happy? I think the problem is that I feel like I should always hold the key somewhere. Reality is, that cannot be. Starting even now, they have to learn rejection and loss and sadness that Mommy and Daddy cannot fix. I don't think this is sadistic, but rather a way of teaching us all that they are truly their own people with their own stories. Being able to let go and let your children become is really the lesson. Far out, huh?
Example one:
Elisa made a cute little pot for me for MOther's Day. She made it at school and tried to tell me about it while I was still working. I was very distracted and I promised her she would have my undivided attention when we got home. I hate to brush her off, but work is work. Well, we get home and as soon as she steps out of the van, she drops the pot and it shatters all over the floor! Now, I feel wracked with guilt because I did not give her the time to tell me about it and now it is gone! She is very upset, and I try to console her. I pick up all the pieces and assemble them to be superglued. About the time I get the second of about a million pieces glued together, Elisa has lost interest and found something else to do. Determined to finish, I get about 2/3 of the way through before giving up because my fingers are covered in superglue, broken pot, and dirt. I had to clip the glue off my fingers giving me very sore finger pads for 2 days. What was the lesson here? Listen to your kids or spend eternity worrying that you have ruined their lives and psyches.
Example 2:
Ava has never lost her lovey. Some parents may not choose to give their children loveys for this very reason. Lost loveys equals sleepless nights, tears upon tears, and parents searching the internet for replacements willing to spend hundreds of dollars to GET IT HERE TOMORROW!!! Elisa has lost 2 loveys and Noah has lost 2 loveys and he is just 1! Ava never has, and she is the one that uses and needs her lovey the most. Lovey has been missing fro 2 days. It is breaking my heart! Ava asks about it about 4 times a day, but she doesn't appear to be too upset just yet. I am losing sleep and hair over it. I cannot think about anything else except where it might be. What is the lesson here? My child will gorw up to be a criminal if I cannot find this thing ASAP!
Example 3:
Noah is by far my most challenging child. He needs a lot more attention than the girls ever did. And I can provide it, but sometimes he just cries and squirms for no apparent reason. Doesn't want to be held, doesn't want food, diaper is clean. And frankly, when he gets like this, it pisses me off. I don't know what to do and it makes me angry. Why can't I make him happy? Where did I fail? But what is most disturbing is how sometimes I just don't want to be around him...what kind of parent does that make me? What is the lesson here? Noah will grow up feeling unloved and turn away from us to join a cult when he is older.
FAIL! Times like these and I find myself wondering how I can do it at all. I am holding myself supremely responsible for my children's happiness. That's hard. I know I should lighten up a bit, but they are my babies, and what more can you want then for them to be happy? I think the problem is that I feel like I should always hold the key somewhere. Reality is, that cannot be. Starting even now, they have to learn rejection and loss and sadness that Mommy and Daddy cannot fix. I don't think this is sadistic, but rather a way of teaching us all that they are truly their own people with their own stories. Being able to let go and let your children become is really the lesson. Far out, huh?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Pasta, pasta, and oh yeah....
IT'S A BOY!!!!!
I truly cannot believe it. My intuitions have been absolutely wrong for every single child. I will say, however, that there were/are a lot of similarities between this pregnancy and my pregnancy with Noah. So, is it really neurotic that I feel disloyal and guilty towards the girl this child could have been? Yeah...I thought so. I just really really really wanted a boy. I haven't felt that strongly about any of my previous pregnancies. I have an obsession with even numbers, and this baby and Noah are going to share a room, so it just really really works out. I see how close the girls are, and I want that for Noah and this baby. Plus, it will be really easy to share clothes. Hand-me-downs the third time around are not so nice looking. I am just overjoyed. I don't think Nathan cared as much, but we are both thrilled the baby is healthy.
So, I also feel vindicated a little. I have been freaking out about how little I am feeling this baby move compared to the others. It seems like it took forever just to feel the baby period, and even now at 22 weeks, the movements are still muffled and spaced out to me. Well, come to find out, my placenta is in the front! Hell-o! I am so glad I am not a neurotic nut job! I mean, every baby is different, but this is my fourth showdown. I feel I should know a little bit about what to expect when. Something just felt off. I am glad to know it is nothing major.
I wish I had time to share more. Today has been crazy and I am off to a meeting at church with all 3 kids in tow. Nathan had a late meeting at work and I have 30 minutes to feed and change them all into their pajamas. Wish me luck!
I also just want to note that my very dramatic 4 year old burst into tears when we told her it was a boy. She wanted a girl baby so badly! I pointed out that she had a sister and now Noah would have a brother, but that did not assuage her sorrow. I then pointed at that we could name him Max (not going to happen) because she is OBSESSED with that show "Ruby and Max". She likes to pretend to be a baby like Max (more than a little bit annoying). Anyway, that cheered her right up. So...next battle to go: break the news to her that in fact, the baby will NOT be named Max. A little at a time...
PS and BTW...the title of this post came from the fact that every single one of my recipes this week and next involved some sort of pasta. No kidding. We are turning into noodles at my house! Quick to fix, but challenging to buy whole grain and organic in this town. Pasta is not all that great for you if it is the white/enriched kind. Oh well. I will be posting recipes on my other blog soon!
Oh yeah...pictures coming soon as well. We got a 4D sono this time--really cool!
I truly cannot believe it. My intuitions have been absolutely wrong for every single child. I will say, however, that there were/are a lot of similarities between this pregnancy and my pregnancy with Noah. So, is it really neurotic that I feel disloyal and guilty towards the girl this child could have been? Yeah...I thought so. I just really really really wanted a boy. I haven't felt that strongly about any of my previous pregnancies. I have an obsession with even numbers, and this baby and Noah are going to share a room, so it just really really works out. I see how close the girls are, and I want that for Noah and this baby. Plus, it will be really easy to share clothes. Hand-me-downs the third time around are not so nice looking. I am just overjoyed. I don't think Nathan cared as much, but we are both thrilled the baby is healthy.
So, I also feel vindicated a little. I have been freaking out about how little I am feeling this baby move compared to the others. It seems like it took forever just to feel the baby period, and even now at 22 weeks, the movements are still muffled and spaced out to me. Well, come to find out, my placenta is in the front! Hell-o! I am so glad I am not a neurotic nut job! I mean, every baby is different, but this is my fourth showdown. I feel I should know a little bit about what to expect when. Something just felt off. I am glad to know it is nothing major.
I wish I had time to share more. Today has been crazy and I am off to a meeting at church with all 3 kids in tow. Nathan had a late meeting at work and I have 30 minutes to feed and change them all into their pajamas. Wish me luck!
I also just want to note that my very dramatic 4 year old burst into tears when we told her it was a boy. She wanted a girl baby so badly! I pointed out that she had a sister and now Noah would have a brother, but that did not assuage her sorrow. I then pointed at that we could name him Max (not going to happen) because she is OBSESSED with that show "Ruby and Max". She likes to pretend to be a baby like Max (more than a little bit annoying). Anyway, that cheered her right up. So...next battle to go: break the news to her that in fact, the baby will NOT be named Max. A little at a time...
PS and BTW...the title of this post came from the fact that every single one of my recipes this week and next involved some sort of pasta. No kidding. We are turning into noodles at my house! Quick to fix, but challenging to buy whole grain and organic in this town. Pasta is not all that great for you if it is the white/enriched kind. Oh well. I will be posting recipes on my other blog soon!
Oh yeah...pictures coming soon as well. We got a 4D sono this time--really cool!
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