hotmessmomma

Big news!

2011-04-17T15:41:00.009-05:00

Nope. Not pregnant. That door is closed friends. And I couldn't be happier. :) So much has happened by here are the highlights: I have decided to start working full-time again, and I have the most awesome job as the social worker for a cancer center here in town. A friend told me about the job posting. I interview and a month later, I got the job! My hours are 745-3 with no lunch break (which is fine by me). That puts me at 36 hours a week, so I get 90% of my salary. It is just PERFECT! 3 is just about the right time to leave work anyway. Plus, I am already up getting my girls to school. Couldn't be happier. It is a big job, but I am working with a marvelous group of people. My boss is so kind, and I haven't felt overwhelmed at all, but it is a big job. I feel like I have been out of a "real job" for so long, I can't believe people actually think I can do this :) Can I? :) Regardless, this has been a huge prayer answered, and I cannot stop praising and thanking God for this opporunity. Noah turned 2 Friday and he is getting to be one big boy! 36.5 inches and 34 pounds, he is thankfully healthy. NO more ear problems praise God! He is still in diapers and on the paci (for bedtime, but still...the pedi chided me *sheepish smile*). He will start at school with his sisters on May 31st, and boy, is he ready! In the meantime, my dear sainted friend Tricha is keeping the boys at her house until Memorial Day. SHe is so gracious. I keep telling her it is practice for when she has twins (none in the works yet, but I keep telling her--it will happen! :)) I am hoping to get Micah at a local daycare by this summer, because there is not really a plan b for him, but I think it will all work out. Our first niece was born on Noah's birthday! We love you baby Kara! We are so happy to have a little cousin. Nathan and I are flying up to see her the weekend of May 13th, and my fabu in-laws will keep the kids so we can go alone. Praise God for them! This is such a crazy time of year. Between the job, Easter, End-of-school activities, etc. I just haven't had time to sit down and collect my thoughts. The blogging is going to slow down, but hopefully not disappear! For now, here are some pics of my little loves:

So much for good intentions...

2011-03-24T16:03:00.002-05:00

Yeah. I just don't really have the time to write. I'll say it. I love blogging, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to find a time to lasso my thoughts much less plot them out in a readable format :)

I could tell you all about my kids and how much they are growing, or the funny things they say, or how much we love our life in Longview. I was hoping to tell you about a new job, but as of right now, I am still waiting to hear. I am so ready to be working full-time. I love my kids, but being around them nearly 24/7 just doesn't complete me. I know that a relationship with the Savior is the only one who can fill the holes in my life, etc., but I go nuts around my kids quite often. I don't know anything about current events, and I feel guilty if I try to take time for myself or if I don't get all the housework done. I can only accomplish one thing a day. Today, for instance, it was a shower. So yes, I got a shower. But the laundry is not done, the house is filthy, and I didn't get dinner made before I had to leave. I feel so guilty about not being able to do things that need to done to keep our house running smoothly. And really, I just want to feel like an educated woman. I want to go back to work. I am excited to feel this way, but I also feel that evil word: guilty. Guilty that I don't want to be around my children more and guilty that I can't be happy at home full time. But trust me on this...the mental hospital is around the corner for me if I don't get out of my house!!!

I would love to have that elusive thing: balance. I want to get back into shape. But that requires time and a diligence that is difficult for me to find. I want to eat healthy, but frankly, I hardly remember to eat as it is, so I just eat some goldfish and granola bars when I hear my stomach growl. I want to feel like a contributor to the professional world. I have a skill set that needs to be utilized. So friends, please keep me in your thoughts. I want this job so badly! If it doesn't work out, I desire the peace to feel that God has me in his hand and will only provide the best things for me. If that means something else--I want to embrace it. I hope that the rest of you are doing well, and are able to find and add discipline to your life this Lenten season as we await the celebration of our Lord's resurrection! I can't wait to say "Alleluia, alleluia" again!

Potty Training, Part 3

2011-02-17T12:36:00.003-06:00

The good news is that this story should only have 4 parts. So, I am on the down swing, right? ;-) I bought a potty for Noah, and I let him practice sitting in it. He loves to sit fully clothed and open and shut the lid. The other day, he asked for the potty, and I thought, "Hey, let's get him naked and see if he will go". So now, he is OBSESSED with stripping down and sitting on the potty. He comes to me all the time and wants me to take off his shirt and pants. This morning, I was thinking that maybe I should just let him run around naked and see if I can get him to potty. Well, those of you with boys know that is probably not a good idea. See, I have to learn these things the hard way. Girls are different than boys, lest I forget. After only 3 minutes, Noah had *ahem* rubbed himself fantastically red, if you catch my drift. Now, I believe we are what you call a NAKED HOUSE. I am not particularly modest in front of my children. We don't parade around naked, but I don't hide things either. I believe in teaching that bodies are not embarrassing, etc. Eh, my kids see me naked occasionally. We are still working to get Nathan into "free-love" mode ;) Anywho friends, I just couldn't do it. I could not sit there and watch my son incessantly touch himself. He was having a good time and that's great, but not for public consumption. I had to put up a barrier between him and his fun parts. And so the diaper went back on. I tried. I learned. I believe I will change tactics!

Rashad wants to wish me a happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T15:58:00.002-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day all! I wish I had the foresight like all my other lovely friends to send V-Day cards out. Look for one at Easter...I think I can get it together by then :) Have you ever had a person text you that you don't recognize their number? That happened to me today. Not that I don't love a "Hey, what's up? Happy Valentine's Day", but "who is this?. "It's Rashad...Did you lose my number or something?" That would be a no. "I don't think I know you...who do you think this is?" "Is this Stacy?" Definitely not. Do you want to get in her pants because you are lonely? But I didn't really say that. Rashad did inform me that he "must have put her number in wrong". I wished him a happy V-Day anyway. Nice to meet you, Rashad. I hope you get lucky tonight!

Daily-ness

2011-02-07T10:08:00.003-06:00

So my friends, I know you have all been wondering where I have gone to! Not. Anyway, it seems the holidays and the "daily-ness" of life have just caught up with me. Nothing major to tell, we are just floating day in and day out and I either don't have the time to post or I am just too tired! However, I really enjoy it, and seeing as though I am horrible at babybooking (Elisa is the only child with a book, and I think it stops at 9 months :)), this is what I want my children to look to when they want stories about when they were babies. I honestly don't think I am going to remember. ;)

Elisa turned 5 last month and I can scarcely believe it. My baby is 5! It seems I just had her! We had a great party and Pump It Up and our friends from Baylor and now Cleburne, the VanSlykes got to come! It was so fun! She is going on 15 now, and I find my self at a loss for how to parent her some days. Gone are the days when I can just say "do it because I am the mom and I said so!" She wants to know why and she is so quickly forming her own opinions about life that don't always include influences from her dad and I.

Ava is doing great. She is a very introverted child and is easily overwhelmed when her routine changes. She spends several hours a day alone in her room reading (and who else was like that as a child?!? *ahem*). She is so tender and precious and I worry about her getting lost the most in our big family. She is looking forward to having her 4th birthday at Disney World this summer. :) She is going to get a cavity filled today. Yay!

Noah is about to be 2 in April. I can't believe it! It was shortly after his birth that we moved to Longview, and I can't believe it has been that long. He is in full toddler mode, and I love it! He is the happiest child...so loving and charming. Almost always in a good mood. He does miss his sisters when they are at school, and I think he is ready for a little school as well. It remains to be seen what exactly we are going to be able to afford.

Micah is almost 6 months old. He is the quietest child I have never heard ;) He is our "normal" child, still waking up once a night to eat. I need to get him on solid foods, but he gags every time I try to feed him, so I have just given up. Way to go, mom! He apparently is sitting up now. I swear that child is going to teach himself how to walk, read, and potty train while I am off messing with someone else.

Na and I are good. We really enjoy Longview and have made some really good friends. Na really loves his job, and he is doing so well. Nathan is such a wonderful, "hands-on" dad, and I honestly don't know what I would do without him. We get overwhelmed with our life often, and so far, I think it has served to bring us closer together rather than farther apart. We have an "in the foxhole" mentality for now. Our church is offering Dave Ramsey's financial peace university, and we are doing that and looking forward to taking charge of our financial life!

So, a lot of people have said to me, "I don't know how you do it Christy. If that were me, I would be in a looney bin". Or, "Just thinking about your life makes me tired". Or, "I could never do that". Okay, so, I want to say this lovingly, because I know the heart behind these words is mostly admiration and/or respect. But, here's the secret: Sometimes I feel bat-sh!t crazy too! Just because I have 4 children doesn't mean I also possess super powers (although, really, sometimes I do envision myself in a cape). I need encouragement like anyone else. All women with children have crazy lives. We get pulled in several directions at once, and we are plagued with losing our sense of identity. Some days you just have a parent fail. We deal with the hands we are dealt and make do. I guess I just tire of hearing comments like this that feel like they are somehow a cloaked insult. It is like hearing "I have no eartly idea why you are not in a mental hospital. How do you manage to dress yourself? Why are you not in a catatonic state right now?" I mean, how do you answer that? "I dunno. I take vitamin supplements?" I mean, really people. I don't know how I do it. It is just my life and I wake up every morning and put clothes on a brush my teeth like all the other moms out there. Some days I feel great success and some days I feel like a failure. But I love my life and I want the best for my children, just like we all do.

So, there was my token rant in my blog entry. Look for more to come soon! Blessings! xoxxo

I give you...

2010-12-10T14:48:00.003-06:00

After that last heavy post, I need something fun. I give you..."The Baby Lazy Susan--A Tale of Two Brothers"

I just want to point out that yes, I am egging him on, but only so we could film it. Of course he was doing it on his own but when we wanted to film it, that was when Micah started screaming and Noah stopped messing with him. We are innocent I tell you!

Life and Death

2010-12-03T21:22:00.004-06:00

We just had a fabulous evening out with our precious friends! We watched a movie, ate pizza, and laughed at our children running amok. Somewhere in that time of vitality, my mother's best friend passed away. Oh, you know, it wasn't completely unexpected, but nonetheless, a person who was here is no longer. Death. Dead. Period. Final.

This woman was a childhood friend of my mother. My mom credits her knowledge of Jesus and her path to salvation as a direct result of a friendship with this woman and her family. They have kept in close touch throughout the years. They have had babies, marriages, divorces, good times, and bad times in their 30+ years of friendship. Suprisingly enough, both of their mothers are still alive and kicking. My mother's BFF, as I will now call her, had a very aggressive form of cancer. We found out about it around this time last year. Last year! One year. Perfectly healthy. Wasted away. When I think about this too deeply, it makes me confused. My mother is 52 (sorry, Mom!). She is young, she has grandchildren, she teaches school, she dates her husband, she chauffeurs her children about, she visits for the holidays. 52 is not a time to wilt away into nothingness. Why does this woman not get to see her children and grandchildren grow? Why is her own mother surviving her?!?

I remember when we all found out. There is so much hope. "I am going to beat this". "I'm fine. Really". And the tests keep coming back worse and worse. The hair goes. But not the smile. Not the fierce determination. Until one day, it does. We just saw mom's BFF 6 days ago. She had aged 20 years. She shuffled around the house in her PJs, and she just looked like a shell of herself. She could hardly keep anything down, and she appeared to get confused easily. When you snuck a peek at her, she seemed lost. Or perhaps like she had just retreated into herself.

I don't understand death. This person was alive. She existed. Yesterday she was here and today she is not. Yes, yes, I know all about the spirit being eternal, and your legacy lives on. Yadda yadda. But she physically is. not. here. My husband said he had a feeling that Saturday was going to be the last time we saw her. I don't know where that intuition comes from. I did not feel that way. I really thought she was going to be fine. This was a bad point, but she had months to go. I feel so silly now. I think I saw it, but I didn't want to.

It feels so narcissistic to talk about this as if I am even remotely affected. I hurt for my mother, who lost her best friend. I ponder my own best friend, and wonder if we will be gabbing together about our arthritis and creaky knees well into our 80s. I send waves of concern and sympathy to her children, who are going to navigate the waters of adulthood without her presence and wisdom. And, again, I say, death doesn't make sense to me. How can one person be out running errands, looking forward to the night to come, while another takes her last breath?

I ran across this poem about death by Emily Bronte. I really like the last stanza. I think because of the imagery of death being rotten and moldy and putrid. It becomes manure. And manure stinks. But we can't grow rich young trees without manure.

Death by Emily Bronte
Death! that struck when I was most confiding
In my certain faith of joy to be -
Strike again, Time's withered branch dividing
From the fresh root of Eternity!

Leaves, upon Time's branch, were growing brightly,
Full of sap, and full of silver dew;
Birds beneath its shelter gathered nightly;
Daily round its flowers the wild bees flew.

Sorrow passed, and plucked the golden blossom;
Guilt stripped off the foliage in its pride;
But, within its parent's kindly bosom,
Flowed for ever Life's restoring-tide.

Little mourned I for the parted gladness,
For the vacant nest and silent song -
Hope was there, and laughed me out of sadness;
Whispering, " Winter will not linger long!"

And, behold! with tenfold increase blessing,
Spring adorned the beauty-burdened spray;
Wind and rain and fervent heat, caressing,
Lavished glory on that second May!

High it rose - no winged grief could sweep it;
Sin was scared to distance with its shine;
Love, and its own life, had power to keep it
From all wrong - from every blight but thine!

Cruel Death! The young leaves droop and languish;
Evening's gentle air may still restore -
No! the morning sunshine mocks my anguish -
Time, for me, must never blossom more!

Strike it down, that other boughs may flourish
Where that perished sapling used to be;
Thus, at least, its mouldering corpse will nourish
That from which it sprung - Eternity.

To stop before I become too maudlin, I am going to shut my computer, call my mom and cry with her, kiss my babies, give my husband a hug, and go to sleep. And, I am going to enjoy my world of friends and family. They are so precious to me, and unfortunately, I don't get them forever.

Venting

2010-11-30T14:52:00.004-06:00

I need to vent for a minute. And I need someone to tell me--bitchy or not? Where do my thoughts need to be in all this?

So, once again, I am caught in the "whose job is more important conundrum". Elisa has ballet on Tuesdays and someone normally takes her. That person cannot today, so I asked Na and he said yes. He is going to leave work for 45 minutes to take her. Someone else is slated to pick her up. I am also working at this time, but it is hourly, not salary and it is hard for me to take off. Anyway, Na is in a meeting that he cannot leave. So, who has to go to their boss and come up with a mysterious errand and is it alright for me to clock out and then clock back in? I feel like such a dummy. An ill-prepared un-professional dummy. He doesn't like it when I ask for things like this, but what can I do? And why does Nathan's job get more importance? Because he makes more money? Perhaps that is it. It is still frustrating. And, I hate that both of us feel like we are displeasing our bosses if we have to do something for our kids! I am so frustrated right now!

And, I should note that working hourly generally sucks. I really feel for all the people with children out there that have to do that! I think I am having some major pride issues as well because I have degree and I shouldn't have to. But you know what, I have kids and debt, so I am really doing the best I can. I am always looking for something part-time that utilizes my degree but those are few and far between here in Longview, Texas!

Potty Training Part II, Big Boy Bed, and Hobby Lobby

2010-11-22T18:24:00.003-06:00

I am going to start by saying that Hobby Lobby is a treacherous web of deception and lies. I am not a crafty person in the slightest, and I generally get overwhelmed by crafty things. However, I braved a trip to HL with my little boys to buy a frame. It should have been an in and out job, but that place is full of so much kitsch it can cross your eyes. I found myself side-tracked by shiny pretty baubles and the wheels in my head started turning. "I can make this. Wouldn't that look cute... I can totally rock this look in my house!" Cart full, I realize that when I head home, this will actually just be pieces of crap, not magnificient works of art. What the H-E-double hockey sticks was I thinking?!? I can't do any of this s#!t. As I leave, I give HL the stink eye.

We introduced Noah to his big boy bed last night. The toddler bed has been in his room since we moved, and he has just continued to sleep in his crib. We hadn't talked about the big boy bed, we just did our regular nightly routine and placed him in the toddler bed instead of the crib. He was upset at first. Nathan had to go back in and read some extra stories. And, amazingly, he just laid down and went to sleep. I don't even know what to say. Nathan was like, "Is it supposed to be this easy?!?" I dunno. Again, at nap time today, I said, "Are you ready to go to sleep? Noah said "Yeah" in his baby language, and I just laid him down. He slept for two hours. So, okay. Yay for us. I love my sweet little boy. Now, about that paci....We are going to need Jesus for that.

The girls are both potty trained, but wear pull-ups at night. I just up and decided that Elisa was old enough to go without one. I don't know if this is true, I just didn't feel like buying 60 pull-ups a month. So, we just talked about wearing big girl panties at night and we have her go to the bathroom before she goes to bed. We leave the bathroom light on so she can go if she wakes up and sometimes she does. However, she is still wetting her bed about 50% of the time. I am not sure if her body is ready, but she is almost 5. Thoughts or ideas, anyone?

Vote for one of my kids!

2010-11-05T14:17:00.002-05:00

Hey friends! I put up pics of my kids for the local mag cover contest and they all got picked! (I think they took all the admissions :)) Anyway, I would really appreciate it if you could vote: Elisa, Ava, Noah, or Micah http://bit.ly/aqpO4D

Cast your vote for the Child Cover Winner by emailing
publisher@longviewcommunitymag.com First name of child should be in the subject line. Only one entry per email will be accepted. Voting ends November 9th at midnight Winner will be announced on November 10th

I am really excited, and don't worry, I won't know which kid you voted for--I know they are all adorable, just pick your fav! I am not going to be able to vote I don't think! Ha!

Some Family Language

2010-11-04T15:08:00.002-05:00

I am sure everyone is like this, but we have a few words or phrases that are unique to our family. Just thought I would share a few:

"Wockles" = waffles (someone just prounces them that way--I don't know)
"Fancy" = handsome (Somewhere along the line our girls thought the word "fancy" was synonymous with handsome. It is the male form of beautiful and there is absolutely no way to convince them it means anything else. Do not, I repeat, do not, tell Elisa or Ava that they look fancy as they will take it as an insult from the bowels of hell that you would compare them to a boy.)
"Wa-wa" = Noah's way of saying paci, lovey, water, milk, drink or food (and probably many other things). It is a fun little guessing game to see what it is he actually wants.
"Da" = Noah saying yes.
Nakee = Naked, or, one's personal state after leaving the bath tub and dropping one's towel to run about the house.

Let me preface this next one by saying that while I do label body parts correctly for my children, we generally say "boy parts" and "girl parts" when discussing our private areas. I was changing Noah the other day and Elisa was in the room asking me about him. I figured this was as good a time as any to give correct medical terms. After this discussion, she walked away with her own unique take that girls have "jemimas" and boys have "venuses". Ooookay. Job well done, Mom!

Hard not to feel depressed, but there's hope

2010-11-01T16:11:00.002-05:00

Friends, I have recently come to the conclusion that I am not a good employee. This may have been glaringly obvious to most of you, but it is a shocker to me. Having a career has been very important to me since I graduated college, and I try to put my best into my job. I know that I need time away from my kids to serve them better, but that doesn't take away from my desire to be a good employee. It has recently occured to me that my children might be the reason for my job troubles. I have to find a sitter every time I go to work. This can be challenging. What if that person is sick or has her own children's issues to attend to? Then I can't go to work and I look and feel like a flake. I was looking around for seasonal employment today, and I applied to JCP. After the online 50 question application they said, and I kid you not, "Based on your responses, you do not meet the requirements for employment with JCP", or some similar nonsense. Okay, for crying out loud, I was applying to fold shirts and run the cash register! What could possibly un-qualify me?!? One of the questions was what was the motivating factor for my choice of job. I answered "flexibility in schedule" as opposed to "desire to do a good job or please my boss" or some other such nonsense. When asked what I prefer to do when I am stressed I answered "spend time with family in friends". These are the only responses I can point to to explain why JCP does not want me. And yeah, I realize that it is not personal. But it still hurts. Starbucks didn't want me and neither does JCP. In the past, I would have taken up space ranting and railing about the unfairness of our system that it does not provide environment that ready and willing SAHMs can occupy. We women with children are smart. We are capable. We just also happen to be responsible for our homes and families as well. And it is a fact that men do not suffer the same oppression and stereotypecasting from potential employers. However, the other fact remains that I am more of a gamble for employers. If my kid is sick, I have to stay home. If my sitter is sick, I have to stay home. If I want to change my hours to fit my home life, that is frowned upon. And I can understand. But it still makes me mad. And sad. Because if I had never gotten my family into a debt mess, I wouldn't have the pressure to produce an income just to live day-to-day life. I cannot explain to you the deep sadness I feel that I have put this pressure on myself and our family. This is beyond me just wanting to get out of the house; this has become a necessity to pay bills. I would love to make it until Micah is two before I have to get a full-time job. Just two more years at home with my babies and then I can make more money! Here is the thing: I know that God will provide. I have seen him do it over and over again. I hate myself for wallowing in this self-pity when I know that God has never failed us and never will. I think what I need right now is encouragement to just pray and remain faithful to trusting God every day. I don't know what is going to happen in January. I want my girls to stay at the wonderful preschool they are at. I want to commit to tithing this year at our wonderful church. I want to keep the girls in the ballet classes they love so much. But at this point, I don't know what is going to happen after Christmas. But I do know that God will take care of us, right?

Fun!

2010-10-22T17:38:00.007-05:00

I figured after the last heavy post, I needed to blog something lighthearted. Things are good just busy. Here are pics of kids:

I wanna pull my hair out!

2010-10-06T17:03:00.002-05:00

So, here's the thing: I am definitely finding my life very stressful right now. Everybody wants a piece of me. And the sad thing is I am reaching for inanimate objects instead of people. I am so consumed with making dinner, doing laundry, picking up toys, paying bills, etc., that I forget about the "little people" all around me. I know that every mom knows what I mean. I have 1 hour so I am going to use it doing housework instead of playing with my kids. Consequently, they continue to cry out for me and I continue to ignore them; pushing harder to get the chores done, I create this self-fulfilling prophesy/downward spiral of self-loathing and doom. I do believe in the past 2 days I have yelled at the top of my lungs AND had serious thoughts about just running away. If I could throw all the carseats out of my car, I think I would just take off and never come back. Ooo, heavy.

Gratefulness

2010-09-23T14:03:00.002-05:00

I started a women's Bible study at my church today. We are reading through Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity. We all agreed that the book is not what we were expecting (at least in the beginning). It seems to jump around a lot. However, one thing we did agree on was how all of us don't feel like we should be living the happy lives that we are. Someone mentioned they felt like they always lived "waiting for the other shoe to drop". That is exactly the way I feel! I feel like I don't deserve the life that I have and something bad must happen to me soon. Of course, this is just not the case, but it doesn't mean I don't have that insecurity. I just wanted to drop a line here and say how incredibly grateful I am to lead the life I do. I have 4 healthy children, a wonderful husband, a way to get around town and we manage to pay the bills on time. What more could one ask for?

I especially feel grateful for my children. There are so many people out there right now that are heartbroken from miscarriages or failed attempts to get pregnant. It doesn't seem fair that I got to have 4 with no problems! My heart goes out to these men and women and I truly wish them peace and patience. And, I am joyful for all the preggos out there! It seems like virtually everyone I know if having a bebe, and it is awesome! I absolutely don't want it any more for myself, but I am truly excited for all my friends: Baby Accord, Baby Braden, Baby Collins, Baby Dorand, Baby Patel, and Baby Salter! I can't wait to meet your little ones!

On a random sidenote, I am on the countdown to a new phone. My old phone crapped out in July and rather than spend the $50 to get a new phone through insurance, I bought a $30 gophone. I am due for a new phone in October. I thought I could easily wait 3 months. However, shortly after purchasing gophone, Ava dunked it in water so I had to buy another one! Now I have spent $60--does that even make sense?!? Anyway, gophones suck (it's a flip phone!) and texting is really old school now. I can't wait for an iphone or at least something similar!

Personal Growth, or, A Novella in 3 Parts

2010-09-20T13:08:00.011-05:00

Introduction:
Let me just say that if you actually read all the way through this post, you deserve a medal of some sort. I realize that I am self-indulgent and long-winded. In my defense, I am not a scrapbooker or photographer in any way. My children don't even have baby books. This is my effort to record for my children what life was like when they were introduced into the world. It is my way of writing them a love letter. Of sorts. It is also like my little diary that you are privy to as well. Don't you feel kind of pervy? :) Ha!

Changes

I have always heard that the jump from two to three kids is always the worst. The joke is that you go from "one-on-one" defense to "zone" defense parenting. Ha! As with many things in my life, I tend to be a little different from the norm. Mainstream thinking does not become me (some would say). ;) I have to admit that the jump from 3 to 4 kids is way more difficult that 2 to 3 ever was. I have spent much time pondering this personal phenom. What makes my experience so different? I think for the past 4 years, even though I have had 3 children, they have all been loosely in the same developmental stage, so to speak. It has been a twin like mentality: someone had "the girls" (because they exist as one entity in our minds--not right!) and someone had the baby. But now, I find myself with "the girls" and 2 babies--which is much more difficult. I realize that there was a time when it was just Elisa and Ava and they were both "babies" but I find it hard to remember the particular difficulties of that time. For me, it has been deceptively easy to see my oldest through "rose-colored" glasses. She always seemed so capable of adaptation and rapid growth. Deal with a sister at 17 months? No problem. Communicate with my in full sentences by the time you are 2? Done. Play by yourself, dress yourself, feed yourself, and anything else by the time you are 3? Check and check. So, is she a wonder-child? I would of course argue yes, but to be fair, that might just be the proud momma in me talking! I was in such a hurry for her to grow up and she has a personality that is just all too happy to oblige. Enter child number 2, and then child number 3, and I learn lessons about how all children are not created equal. And I love it! Each one is so precious in their own way. But somewhere around when Noah was born, I realized that I really just had a house full of babies, not little adults. To come full circle, the introduction of yet another baby has been more difficult for us than ever before. We are not super-parents. Nor are we particularly gifted in parenting well. (I would argue the exact opposite, to be quite frank.) What I am learning is that Nathan and I are entering a different stage in our life where we begin to parent young children, not simply care for babies. And this distinction is very important. Elisa (and Ava a little too) is beginning to be involved in all those things that are somehow going to pad her college application: dance, soccer, piano, etc. ad nauseum. I joke, but we are only on the precipice now. We are just about to careen down that childhood mountain of extracurricular madness in full force. Because of this transition for our eldest, it makes caring for a needy infant that much more difficult. It is not just the waking up in the night, but the whole package: feeding and changing diapers about once an hour. Moving from bouncer to swing to carseat to arms trying to get the crying to stop. Planning not only errands but car pool and activities around a feeding schedule. It is really demanding. However, I do get the feeling that as soon as Micah gets mobile, we will reach a new equilibrium.

The New Equilibrium

Nathan and I recently had our first truly deep soul-searching conversation in a long long while. I describe a mountainous ledge above, but we are truly in a transitory state in a lives and marriage. We are not having any more children. Everyone has joked that we would never actually pull the trigger and make it permanent. I know you are all convinced we would rival the Duggars in multiplying powers, but believe it our not, we are done. Nathan had a vasectomy 2 weeks ago. He did well and he has to get checked in December to make sure all sperm counts are zero, but we are committed to no more kiddies. We both feel very good and at peace with this decision. That doesn't, however, mean we are not mournful or anxious about what is coming next. As silly as it sounds, I truly see myself turning into my mother. And I don't mean that statement to be derogatory. As we enter this next phase of life, our motivating factor day in and day out is our children, not ourselves. Up until now, I have been able to be selfish. Being pregnant and having young babies brings a lot of attention to yourself. People still ask "how are you feeling?" But I have a sneaking suspicion that is about to end. I am becoming invisible. I don't exist accept to be Elisa/Ava/Noah/Micah's mother, you know, the lady that is bringing snack to practice this week? Or maybe my role is room mother or party organizer or sunday school volunteer or purchaser of recital clothing. Insert job related to the activity of my child here _____________. Regardless, nobody much cares anymore what I think or how I dress, or speak, or what I drive. I am becoming that nameless, faceless MOM that I used to scorn. It is becoming apparent to me how easy it is to forget that I even exist as a friend, partner, lover, companion, or daughter. I just need to be the bill payer, grocery shopper, and child taxi. Not that I don't love all of these things or that I am trying to be particularly grumpy. But, you know, entering this unknown phase of life is just as scary as the first day of school, leaving home to go to college, getting married, or having your first child. Who Am I?

As Nathan and I discussed the challenges and joys of this new phase of life, I have to admit I am a little well, scared. Not apprehensive, just plain old scared. When my children go to college, will I still know my husband as the wonderful man I see him as now? More importantly, will I recognize myself? Will I continue to care for myself like it matters? Or, will I turn into a desexualized being that smiles in the right places and keeps the house running and makes sure the right number of children are in the car and driven to the appropriate place at the appropriate time. I hope not. But I already feel myself being dismissed by the larger public. I get tossed into the file cabinet labeled "MOM" in society's mind and that is that. Do I become a drabber version of myself? Or, can I find some way to grow more vibrant while tending to the demands of my children? I know one thing, I don't blame them. I want nothing more than for my children to turn into happy, caring, and responsible adults. And if they have to take little pieces of me to do so, so be it. But I will not stop seeking a way to escape the great "pigeon-hole". That is why I am the hot mess momma. Always bucking convention. :)

The Children In Question

Elisa: She is in the stage of questions. Way beyond my area of expertise. Things like: "Mommy, why did my fish die? Am I going to die? Why do you have hair on your bottom (why does she refer to everything south of the border as her bottom? It's called a vagina--I can say that, right? I promise we label things correctly in our house!) Will I get hair on my bottom? Why does your heart not look like the shape of a heart? Why won't my friend do what I say? Why? Why? Why? Mom? Mom? Mom?" Admittedly, sometimes I want to scream at her. I am a very busy person, can't you see? I am working on enriching your life so could you not talk to me for a while? Yeah, I see how ridiculously hypocritical this sounds. So, for my oldest love, I pray for patience and wisdom in answering every oh so important question. May I never be too busy for her.

Ava: I like to call this stage the echo stage. Her favorite color is Elisa's favorite color. Her best friends are Elisa's best friends. She wants to wear the same headband Elisa is wearing. I fully expect to hear one day: "Mommy, I just killed a man", followed by "Mommy, I just killed a man too!" in a bright, ever perky voice. I want her to develop her own friendships and her own likes and dislikes. I worry about her complete inability to focus. I will say "Ava, go get your socks.". "My socks?" (like she has never heard that word before). "Yes, on the floor." "On the floor?" she says while looking inside a drawer like she doesn't know what the floor is. It seriously concerns me and sometimes I want to just shake her. For my second love, I pray that I will never stop noticing her for the beautiful, intelligent, kind-hearted child she is. I pray she will find her own path and never measure her success or failure by what someone else has accomplished.

Noah: On the inside, this is a sweet, easy-going, bright child. On the outside, however, he can be a little pill. Yeah, I know no one believes me. But when he gets angry, he will yell and throw holy fits. He has thrown his sippy cup at me in anger. He yells at me. I realize that he is just one, but I don't want to set the precedent for him that you get what you want by screaming about it. Also, I am really sensitive to how he treats me because this is his example for how to treat women in general. For my third love I pray for patience to not get exasperated with him. I pray for a mindful spirit that will not forget how truly scrumptious and adorable he is on the inside. I pray that he won't ever feel lost or forgotten in this family.

Micah: I don't know a lot about his personality yet, but he is really relaxed. He does not cry all that much. And frankly, if he does, he gives up so easily. He is a wonderful sleeper (sleeping from about 8 pm to 4 am every night). Because he is my last one, even at a month old, I feel he has grown too much already. I want to keep him small forever. For my fourth love, I hope this attitude does not spoil/entitle him forever. I want to keep each moment of his life locked in my mind forever! I think my prayer for him is more a prayer for me right now. I need peace with the changes in my life and the resolution to not bring any more babies into the world. He is it, but he doesn't need to be on a pedestal. I want all my children to see how very very much they are loved by me.

Writing helps me get a handle on my day to day anger and frustration. It gives me a chance to sit back and remind myself how wonderful each of my children are. It is so easy to get put out and annoyed by "the little creatures". By publically posting my shame as a pitiful parent, I get to renew my decision to be a little more patient from here on out. This is my "time-out". And this particular one has been a long time coming.

So, does anyone know any agents or publishers for my book? ;)

New life!...and more guilt

2010-08-20T11:09:00.008-05:00

Well...he does exist! Micah Martin Autry Collins made his entrance into this world at 11:05 pm on Wednesday, August 18th. Everything about this birth has been different than my previous 3. There are so many things I am experiencing it is hard to know where to start.

I think the most pressing thing is that Micah had a rough start entering this world. Even when you do everything right and are presenting as low-risk, things can still go wrong.

I was set to be induced Thursday the 19th. Wednesday afternoon, of course, my water broke. This was very exciting for me because I have never had my water break and this was a "cool pregnancy thing" to experience my last time around. I have a theory about my kids and Wednesdays anyway (Elisa, Noah, and now Micah were all born on Wednesday nights. And I still have guilty thoughts about "forcing" Ava out on a Sunday of all days!). I kind of always knew it would be this Wednesday. Anyhow, I am Group B Strep positive and there is an increased risk of infection for the baby when your water breaks. It can be very serious if it isn't caught. I was GBS + with all my kids, but my water was never broken until I delivered, so I never really thought about its seriousness.

I got to the hospital within 45 minutes of my water breaking and got put on antibiotics to prevent infection. Not a single contraction. At 7 pm I was given pitocin. For about 2 hours, nothing really happened. They tried to get the dosage right, I had a few intense contractions here and there but nothing other than I was just getting tired. They check my dilation and I had moved half a centimeter. I really felt that this time around, I wasn't interested in proving anything to anyone by being a pain warrior and I kind of asked for an epidural. My nurse (who by the way was unequivocally wonderful--love love loved her!) suggested trying a relaxant through my iv first. She seemed to think once my contractions came regularly, I would progress very quickly.

She was right. From 9 pm to 1015 pm I dilated 4 to 7 and the drugs were awesome. I went to my focused place and asked for more of the relaxing drugs. By 11 pm I was at 9 cm and ready to push. My wonderful husband is a birthing champ. He told the nurse when we came in that when I started screaming for drugs and yelling at everyone about the pain that meant it was time for the baby to be born. We laugh now, but he has been right every time. I started yelling at the top of my lungs for someone to put me out of my misery. At that point the doctor appeared, I was flipped on my back and I just pushed that little sucker right out. It was very quick, but I just want to point out--it hurt. A lot. It doesn't matter that it just hurt for 15 minutes. That is a 15 minute window where if someone offered to kill me I would let them. My sweet hubby mentioned later that he had a very hard time not laughing at me at points. I guess he has seen the same thing so many times, but each time to me it is like tunnel vision--I forget everything except the god-forsaken pain.

My first thought about Micah was "Wow. He is small". I made sure he looked healthy and was breathing, but honestly, I think the drugs still had me a little woozy. It was hard to focus. They gave him to me, and I realized that he was making a weird noise. He was grunting repetitively and wouldn't try to latch on at all. The nurse told me that he was in respitory distress and promptly snatched him away to the nursery. Still befuddled, I don't think it hit me until I was sewn up and sitting semi-alone that I realized something was really wrong. We didn't know for a couple of hours what had happened. He was put in the NICU and given oxygen, antiobiotics, and a saline drip because in addition to having trouble breathing, his blood sugar was very low.

We couldn't hold him all night but we did get to see him. We kind of sat in limbo until we saw the pediatrician Thursday morning. His blood work made it look like he had an infection. But, it could very well be that he was pre-term (my due date wrong) or some other issue. We would have to wait. I could nurse him, but he had to stay in NICU. He did get off oxygen, but had to stay monitored and on IV for blood sugar. We were hoping all was well and he would be released to me Thursday night.

Later bloodwork showed that he did indeed have an infection and a rather serious one. It was okay because he had been given antiobiotics immediately, but he was one sick little boy. All day Thursday (and through the night) he was weaned off his IV a little at a time. Finally, this morning, we have been able to take off his monitor to feed him. We spoke to the doctor this morning and all looks good. The treatments given have been working and he is successfully off his IV. He can be released to my room to eat, but needs to go back to the NICU in between to be monitored at least until tomorrow. If everything goes well today with him and bloodwork looks good this time, he will be released from the nursery and turned into a pediatric patient tomorrow. Here is the kicker for me: he needs 7 days of antiobiotics. So we will be staying here as Pedi patients until Wednesday at the earliest, possibly Thursday.

During labor, I was given oxygen (which is totally normal for induced labors) to try to wake Micah up. His heartbeat was not bad, it just didn't vary at all. He was very still through the whole thing which is apparently bad. I had a fever while I was in labor. I also found out later that he had the cord loosely around his neck when he was born. My thought as a mother is immediately turned inward: "What did I do wrong this time?" I can be reassured that this had nothing to do with me, but I carried him for 9 months. Did I not wash my hands enough? I should have been better about taking my prenatal vitamins. My uterus had just stopped being a hospitable place for more children 2 babies ago. I joke, but I feel a stab of truth.

As a parent, you just don't realize how lucky you are to have wonderful healthy deliveries and children until something goes wrong. But hear me: I realize that are so many many worse things that could and have happened to people. This is very mild and odds are very high that Micah will leave here Wednesday without another care or concern in the sky. It still breaks my heart that my baby got sick and I couldn't do anything about it.

Looking back, it was all very terrifying those first few hours. You never know what could have happened if that wonderful experienced nurse didn't catch what was going on with Micah's breathing and whisk him away. She gave him antibiotics immediately-before we even knew an infection was the issue. And that very well prevented him taking a severe turn for the worse.

So, when I go home with my (aaah!) fourth child, things will not just fall back into place. A new baby always makes waves, but I have just assumed that Mr. Micah will just need to go with the flow. It never occured to me that our family might have to make a new flow to accomodate him.

There are so many people to thank for watching my 3 other precious babies while all this is going on. Whatever stress I am feeling, they are also experiencing. This hospital room is so small and while a visit is good, none of us are designed to accomodate living in a postage stamp. I miss them terribly and I know that we will not be at ease until all 6 of us are home.

And more guilt! I want to be around my kids but interacting with them all at once in a hospital room is not fun. They get on my nerves quickly and it disturbs me because I want to be with them so much. But then, they are also very standoffish because this is weird and different for them and they don't know how to process.

How can I say too that a small part of me enjoys the fact that Micah is being monitored in a nursery? I don't have to worry about him in between feedings. While all I want is for him to be with me, I am terrified of being the sole person responsible for him from here on out...how weird is that?

I say that I feel this whole debacle is somehow my fault. I know, I know. But I was talking to someone that pointed out that perhaps instead of being born too early, consider that he was born right on time. Who knows what would have happened had any more time gone by? A cord issue? A greater infection or sickness? I think what I need to learn from this is that this too is in God's plan. Instead of being scared for Micah's future, I should rejoice that he is here at the perfect time to prevent any major calamity. I realize that I am uber hormonal right now--the tears flow freely!--the only way I suspect I can deal with this is to trust the Lord that He has great plans for my little boy and He is keeping him around to grow and learn with us.

Thanks to everyone for their prayers and support, and don't worry, the heavy stuff is done for a while I hope. I think you will hear more very soon about my hotmess-ness in the momma-ing department. Four! Good Lord!

A couple of funny things...

2010-08-17T15:53:00.002-05:00

Y'all check out Nathan's blog. He is SOOO funny to me. I realize this is probably why I married him (and really there weren't that many other takers! ;)) But that's ok. He cracks me up and that's all that's important.

Yesterday morning, I get up and Elisa goes: "Mommy, why is your hair always looking so messy?" So, what I wanted to say was "Have YOU looked in the mirror lately little girl?!". But the mom answer I gave was somewhere along the lines of "Mommy is tired and just needs a shower. This is what happens when you sleep without washing your hair". And then I went into my room and cried. :)

It almost seems like...

2010-08-17T14:48:00.003-05:00

So, I promised Micah would be here, but come on guys--can I really make promises like that?!? I mean, he's a baby for crying out loud! He still gets to call the shots for a while. But when he emerges...then he'll really learn who is in charge! :)

Last week, the doctor said I was 4 cm dilated, 40% effaced. Any day was the verdict. All weekend I was CONVINCED he would come. I even got my breast pump out to try and hurry things along. NOT A SINGLE CONTRACTION. Not one. The end of pregnancy is a like a bad joke where you are suspended in time, waiting for a punch line that never comes. My friends have been so supportive and kind, but I get the feeling they are getting bored. Where is that baby you promised? I know you are fat and waddling and all, but where's the kid that's supposed to be in there? And my personal favorite: "Are you still pregnant?" Or, "Weren't you due last week?" Well duh...yes. Still pregnant. First clue? My swagger? And, no, not actually due until the 27th. I feel bad, though. Some women go past their due dates. I really don't have it that bad. And I am truly mentally okay. I keep gaining weight which is not cool and it is really hard to sleep, but by and large, I know that he will eventually get here. This is basically around the time that I had my other children: between 38 and 39 weeks. I think what gets me is that for the past 2 weeks I have been thinking any day (preggo ladies--37 weeks means nothing. you know this. just don't let yourself go there. you still have 15-20+ days. deal with it.). I am getting so used to this bloated, edge-of-seat existence it almost seems like...he doesn't really exist. Know what I mean?

Well, doc today says still 4 cm, but thinner and really really could be any day. But if not, Thursday it will be. This is my first time to actually be induced and I have to say I like the drama and the change of pace from other pregnancies. I am so tired I think I could be talked into anything. I was worried that it would take longer and be more painful, but the doc assures me that I don't need that much Pitocin. I am already halfway there and it is my fourth. I can get my antibiotics and plan where my kids will go. Should just jump start me and I should have a baby within 3 hours of drugs. That sounds like a plan to me. I go in Thursday lunch time, get the Group B Strep antibiotics and then get Pitocin at 4 pm. Have baby by 8 pm at latest. Get out of hospital by Saturday lunchtime. I am so cool with that. Let's just hope everything goes according to plan. Because babies do that, you know. ;)

Hard to find the time...

2010-08-02T16:28:00.002-05:00

Greetings all! For those I haven't talked with lately, yes, we made it to New York and back! It was...interesting. The trip itself, I mean. It was lovely in New York. My sister-in-law's family is so hospitable and welcoming. Their wedding was wonderful. They live in upstate New York, and the county if beautiful. Totally like a painting. The food and fellowship was so good, I am looking forward to a chance to go back--maybe in the winter so we can ski!
Things I learned in the car on the way there and back:

3 children produce an amazing amount of urine in a 20 hour period
we traversed 7 states (Texas, Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York), and of all 7, Ohio was the worst--it took 6-7 hours to bisect it--I mean, like, are we in another state yet or what?
my kids are inevitably the most cranky when I am the most cranky
lowest parenting moment: Yelling "shut up" at the top of my lungs at one point in Ohio (see bullet point #2)
it is actually possible to do this--I feel much more comfortable planning a trip to say, Florida or California now that I know what to expect

In other news, I am 36 1/2 weeks and ready for this baby in about 2 weeks...hopefully he will be just like the other 3 and come b/t 38 and 39 weeks. Packed and ready to go. Carseat in the car. My van is like a little carseat carnival.

Current state of mind:

My best girlfriend recently got engaged and I haven't had a chance to "dish" with her yet. I hate that my life is so crazy that we cannot connect. It kills me. Even as I write this blog, I have a child screaming in the background b/c he cannot get some toy to do what he wants it to.
Just found out I am Strep B positive again for the 4th time. Really bummed as well because that means I have to be hooked up to antibiotics for 4+ hours prior to delivery. In my first and third pregnancies, I obviously didn't make it that long and they had to keep my babies an extra night in the hospital to screen them. They were obviously fine, but it is just another worry I don't really want/need.
My hubby has been working A LOT lately...which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I am just getting anxious about impending labor/delivery coinciding with the start of fall/school. I hope our pace to life will change when Micah gets here because I am just feeling uber worn out. Na has to go to Houston Wednesday night just for an overnight trip but of course that is when I will go into labor, right? :)
My oldest baby (she is only 4!) is currently on the Blanco river near Austin with my mother. She has been gone since Friday is coming back tomorrow (Tuesday). I know I should take advantage of being minus a child, but I miss her like crazy. She even sounds different on the phone. So grown up and able to handle being away from home for 5 days! I had a mental breakdown last night when I hadn't heard from her all day. I chalk it up to hormones, but I also feel bittersweet about my baby growing up. She starts PreK in 2 weeks. Sigh.

At this point, you probably will not hear from me until after Micah is born, but I will post pics when he arrives!

What is the world coming to?

2010-07-09T00:02:00.003-05:00

Yes, yes...I realize my blog has been sorely neglected for two months. Give me a break--I'm bloated up to my eyeballs with my fourth kid. I mean, I have been doing stuff...not just sitting around and gaining weight (although do look notoriously like a whale on stilts). But seriously, pregnancy is torture. At this point, I am starving all the time, but my stomach is the size of a pea, so when I eat, I immediately become nauseous and fight the urge to purge. So, a bulimic whale on stilts. And physically speaking, I literally walk like a whale on stilts would walk. Defies all laws of physics. If I saw myself walking down the street, I would think, "how is that possible?" Seems likely I will topple over any minute. Anywho...

While there has been much going on in Casa Collins, for my return to the blogosphere, I wish to relate the most current event. This very day I had the most bizarre experience. My home phone rings at 9 this morning. Now, I know this is horribly suburban housewife of me, but I usually don't answer my home phone. I have a sneaking suspicion that it might be a telemarketer or creditor...isn't that sad? I thought it might be my husband because I had misplaced my cell phone (sneaking suspicion child is involved). I hear an accented voice greet me and then promptly ask me to verify that I have credit card debt. I am taken aback because I don't know this person and I don't need to tell them that I have/don't have consumer debt. Continues to ask me to verify debt. I ask, "why are you asking me this question?". I begin to hear the obligatory "I work for a company that can help you...". I have to be somewhere 5 minutes ago and neither myself nor my children are dressed. I don't think I was rude but I just said "we have consolidated and are not interested. Thank you.". And I hung up. The phone immediately rang again. I thought it might be a problem with the phone line so I immediately picked up the phone and hung up again. And the phone rings again. Thinking this might actually be husband, I answer. Get this: the little bugger has called me back!!! He proceeds to tell me that he was talking and I hung up on him! He begins to yell at me while I sit with my mouth open thinking "this is NOT really happening". He asks "can I talk now?". I still have my mouth open. He proceeds to tell me that with his program no interest is paid unlike with consolidation companies where interest rates are negotiated. He finishes his paragraph and I say "I have listened to you and I am still not interested. Hanging up now.". OKAY. Did this really just happen to me? Unfortunately, yes. I mean, where does this guy get off thinking he has the right to talk down to me? I realize that his job sucks (like majorly) but umm, did he really think I was going to suddenly change my mind and go "OMG! You are so right! You're program sounds awesome--sign me up--you are a telemarketing god--forgive me for hanging up on you--will you marry me and we can have lots of sex and babies?"

Moving on...I just want to briefly touch on my blog adjectives. I profess to be the HOT. MESS. MOMMA. HOT--Ok, not vanity. I am literally burning up. So. Hot. Physically. Skin is melting off. Night sweats. Burning desire to curl up and sit in freezer. Sadly impossible. MESS--Metaphorically a cute way to describe my inability to keep my thoughts together. However, again literal. My hair is unkempt, my house is littered with toys and cereal and spilt milk. Laundry run amuck. Dishes attracting bugs in the sink. So, not cute--messy. MOMMA--I have 3.8 children. Soon to be 4. He just needs to cook for about 6 more weeks.

Let's discuss aforementioned children. Primarily one: Ava Collins. I LOVE her with all my heart. She is my baby and probably the most like myself of all my children. But, I am going to use cyber space to safely say, in a loving way, that she is a kind of a mean-spirited little "beeya" sometimes. I cannot grasp what motivates her...perhaps a lack of control? The other day, she proceeded to take a decoration of her sister's and rip in to shreds. No apparent motive. Elisa was minding her own business. She then brings me this thing, with tears in her eyes: "Ava did this". Is Elisa prone to dramatics? Absolutely. Did she do anything to provoke this? No. Ava sometimes just has no remorse and takes delight and seeing others feel pain. She will bite her sister and brother when she is mad at them--leaving horrid marks. She shrieks when she is unhappy. Quite honestly, I just don't know what to do with her. I want to believe that this is a phase and she will grow into a lovely, well-adjusted adult, but I just don't know. She feels so very out of control in her personal life right now and I don't want her to feel lost. I want her to know she is loved, but I cannot find the right response when she is acting out. She makes me feel so helpless and angry. I search myself and parenting skills for what I am doing wrong or what inappropriate genetic code she has acquired. On a serious note, any encouragement or advice is greatly appreciated. She is mastering potty training right now--so that is a big life step. Mom is having baby #4 so she is going to shoved even farther into the family periphery (not necessarily true but I can understand the feeling of powerlessness). What does give me just a glimmer of hope is that while she is definitely the most vocal and involved child in our family, she is a wall flower in all her extracurricular undertakings. She runs under the radar in school, ballet, and swim lessons. She only acts like a serial killer in training at home. Hmm...isn't that what all the individuals in a serial killer's life say after the fact? "He/she was so sweet. Always so accommodating. Never suspected". Eek! My heart just breaks for her--I just want to help and yet feel so helpless on how to do so.

Upcoming life events:
*More busy summer. I literally get up at 7:30 am and crash at 8 at night. We do swim, ballet, Pump It Up, and have been traveling like maniacs. I am enjoying it, but I am so so tired. And, like I remind my dear sweet husband, while existing IN the world, my interactions WITH the world are nonexistent. Even much-needed phone calls to friends and family are difficult. There is always, always a child or two or three or four yelling for something (or for no reason at all) in the background that makes meaningful conversation virtually impossible.
*Leaving Tuesday for a two day trip to upstate New York. Celebrating brother-in-law's wedding. I am really looking forward to it. Will be gone a week. Hardest part is convincing mother that I will not birth baby on side of road. I will at least pick a Buckees or a Flying J. Sheesh.
*Taking a leave of absence from work this year. Going to do the FTSAHM (full-time stay at home mom) thing. A little frightened, but look at it as a growing experience. I still have plenty of time to do the career thing. I think I am probably going to turn into one of those uber-involved polished mommies. Will run the PTA and get on children's teachers' very last nerve with all my wonderful ideas for how to improve their teaching of my child. SIKE! But fun to daydream. I imagine most of my days will be spent trying to keep breast milk off my clothing and my hair from falling into my eyes and from getting too much baby spittle on my person. Will make carpool just 2.5 minutes late every day and will hide behind overlarge sunglasses. Will hope desperately children will succeed in school DESPITE having me a for a hotmessmother. :)

If I could reach out and give everyone (a politically correct side) hug--I would do it with open arms! I hope you all are well!

Moving Day!

2010-05-15T08:16:00.003-05:00

We are getting a bigger place! Yay! I think we have broken a cardinal moving rule. We are just throwing things into boxes with the plan to sort and toss as we unpack. I think you are supposed to clean out as you PACK not as you UNPACK. Oh well...time crunch. We have been packing up a room a night and today our wonderful friends are coming to help us move furniture. Thank you thank you thank you! Somehow I manage to be pregnant literally EVERY TIME we move. Nathan thinks I do it on purpose but as I like to point out "You were there too sweetie!". We will post pics soon, but needless to say, we are overjoyed. I next challenge will be how long it takes us to unpack and get settled in the new place. I say July. That is kind of D-Day for a lot of things. Before we go to New York, the house will be settled, Ava will be potty trained, and Noah will be walking. Pray for me! :)

Why I feel like a FAIL...part 317

2010-05-11T09:13:00.003-05:00

You know, being a parent does bring with it some amazing joys. Your children are a source of constant amusement and pride. However, tied up with all this joy and amazement are uncharted territories of guilt, worry, and despair.

Example one:
Elisa made a cute little pot for me for MOther's Day. She made it at school and tried to tell me about it while I was still working. I was very distracted and I promised her she would have my undivided attention when we got home. I hate to brush her off, but work is work. Well, we get home and as soon as she steps out of the van, she drops the pot and it shatters all over the floor! Now, I feel wracked with guilt because I did not give her the time to tell me about it and now it is gone! She is very upset, and I try to console her. I pick up all the pieces and assemble them to be superglued. About the time I get the second of about a million pieces glued together, Elisa has lost interest and found something else to do. Determined to finish, I get about 2/3 of the way through before giving up because my fingers are covered in superglue, broken pot, and dirt. I had to clip the glue off my fingers giving me very sore finger pads for 2 days. What was the lesson here? Listen to your kids or spend eternity worrying that you have ruined their lives and psyches.

Example 2:
Ava has never lost her lovey. Some parents may not choose to give their children loveys for this very reason. Lost loveys equals sleepless nights, tears upon tears, and parents searching the internet for replacements willing to spend hundreds of dollars to GET IT HERE TOMORROW!!! Elisa has lost 2 loveys and Noah has lost 2 loveys and he is just 1! Ava never has, and she is the one that uses and needs her lovey the most. Lovey has been missing fro 2 days. It is breaking my heart! Ava asks about it about 4 times a day, but she doesn't appear to be too upset just yet. I am losing sleep and hair over it. I cannot think about anything else except where it might be. What is the lesson here? My child will gorw up to be a criminal if I cannot find this thing ASAP!

Example 3:
Noah is by far my most challenging child. He needs a lot more attention than the girls ever did. And I can provide it, but sometimes he just cries and squirms for no apparent reason. Doesn't want to be held, doesn't want food, diaper is clean. And frankly, when he gets like this, it pisses me off. I don't know what to do and it makes me angry. Why can't I make him happy? Where did I fail? But what is most disturbing is how sometimes I just don't want to be around him...what kind of parent does that make me? What is the lesson here? Noah will grow up feeling unloved and turn away from us to join a cult when he is older.

FAIL! Times like these and I find myself wondering how I can do it at all. I am holding myself supremely responsible for my children's happiness. That's hard. I know I should lighten up a bit, but they are my babies, and what more can you want then for them to be happy? I think the problem is that I feel like I should always hold the key somewhere. Reality is, that cannot be. Starting even now, they have to learn rejection and loss and sadness that Mommy and Daddy cannot fix. I don't think this is sadistic, but rather a way of teaching us all that they are truly their own people with their own stories. Being able to let go and let your children become is really the lesson. Far out, huh?

Pasta, pasta, and oh yeah....

2010-04-27T17:00:00.005-05:00

IT'S A BOY!!!!!

I truly cannot believe it. My intuitions have been absolutely wrong for every single child. I will say, however, that there were/are a lot of similarities between this pregnancy and my pregnancy with Noah. So, is it really neurotic that I feel disloyal and guilty towards the girl this child could have been? Yeah...I thought so. I just really really really wanted a boy. I haven't felt that strongly about any of my previous pregnancies. I have an obsession with even numbers, and this baby and Noah are going to share a room, so it just really really works out. I see how close the girls are, and I want that for Noah and this baby. Plus, it will be really easy to share clothes. Hand-me-downs the third time around are not so nice looking. I am just overjoyed. I don't think Nathan cared as much, but we are both thrilled the baby is healthy.

So, I also feel vindicated a little. I have been freaking out about how little I am feeling this baby move compared to the others. It seems like it took forever just to feel the baby period, and even now at 22 weeks, the movements are still muffled and spaced out to me. Well, come to find out, my placenta is in the front! Hell-o! I am so glad I am not a neurotic nut job! I mean, every baby is different, but this is my fourth showdown. I feel I should know a little bit about what to expect when. Something just felt off. I am glad to know it is nothing major.

I wish I had time to share more. Today has been crazy and I am off to a meeting at church with all 3 kids in tow. Nathan had a late meeting at work and I have 30 minutes to feed and change them all into their pajamas. Wish me luck!

I also just want to note that my very dramatic 4 year old burst into tears when we told her it was a boy. She wanted a girl baby so badly! I pointed out that she had a sister and now Noah would have a brother, but that did not assuage her sorrow. I then pointed at that we could name him Max (not going to happen) because she is OBSESSED with that show "Ruby and Max". She likes to pretend to be a baby like Max (more than a little bit annoying). Anyway, that cheered her right up. So...next battle to go: break the news to her that in fact, the baby will NOT be named Max. A little at a time...

PS and BTW...the title of this post came from the fact that every single one of my recipes this week and next involved some sort of pasta. No kidding. We are turning into noodles at my house! Quick to fix, but challenging to buy whole grain and organic in this town. Pasta is not all that great for you if it is the white/enriched kind. Oh well. I will be posting recipes on my other blog soon!

Oh yeah...pictures coming soon as well. We got a 4D sono this time--really cool!

He is risen indeed!

2010-04-06T20:24:00.003-05:00

Happy Easter everyone! I love love love this time of year. I think a lot of it has to do with the change in seasons. But, I love the hope and joy that is celebrated in the Christian holiday of Easter. I mean, when you think about it, it is an even bigger deal than Christmas. He is no longer dead, the sky is no longer dark, the colors have changed to white and celebration! I just love it! And I love watching my children process as well. Elisa came with us to the Maundy Thursday service and watched the altar stripping. She saw it get dark and bare. And then Easter, she saw the flowers and the white dressings and she made a connection. She got excited...and frankly, that feeds my excitement!

Ok. Truth time. For those that are following my blogging habits, my Supper for Six blog is not going so well. I am pretty darn lazy. For real. It is really difficult to cook EVERY night for the fam. This just goes to show how much I need this accountability. And I also want to give a shout out to those that offered encouragement from my last post. I am learning more and more that there is this great "keeping up with the Joneses" conspiracy in America. We are probably all broke, but nobody wants to admit it. And I truly believe, those that are truly wealthy do not live flashy at all. They are frugal--that is why they are rich! We are trying. We are trying. I am even learning to love my minivan! :) I am working on this Supper thing, too. Send me recipes that you love (quick and easy much appreciated)! I will try them and post them! (Sidenote: I haven't forgotten you Lacy--I am going to get he BBQ meatball recipe from my friends. Promise! :))

Freak out moment: There are quite a few people I know of having babies July, August, September. And so far, all of them are having girls. This does not bode well. I have this theory that babies born in the same time frame are the same gender. I know--it doesn't make sense. Maybe in a vague "Chinese Lunar calendar" way. I need to get this out there right now--I really want another boy. I don't wish any harm to this baby, and if it is a girl--I love her already! But this is my last, and I want a brother for Noah. Get ready--I will grieve a little if it is a girl. I suppose that is selfish when you consider how many people want children and cannot have them. A child is a child and Nathan and I love it and welcome it. But I have this picture in my head of my two girls and two boys sharing rooms and being best friends. And this is the final installment. The family is finished after this. I have to come to terms with the fact that this "picture" may not be a reality and make adjustments. A girl does not mean she will be a spoiled diva; nor does it mean that I am a carbon copy of my mom. But the insecurity and fears are there. I am glad to be writing this out. As I am processing, I realize how silly I am being. I am grateful to have this experience once more. But I will say this--I am envious of the others that already know the genders of their babies. I won't find out until 22 1/2 weeks (April 27th) because Longview is weird.

Full disclosure

2010-03-14T13:49:00.005-05:00

Greetings all! What wonderful weather we are having these past couple of weeks! I am on spring break! Yay! The title of this post is full disclosure because I feel it is time to come clean about certain things. Nathan and I are in debt. Massive amounts of consumer debt. While we agree that we have both contributed to this, I would argue that I am more at fault. I think that I just went through this selfish "crazy young adult" phase where I wanted anything and everything and damned if I could "afford" it or not. What is credit for anyway? Needless to say, everything quickly became a disaster. We are currently in a very deep hole and our credit is in the crapper. I am not sure what exactly changed in me, but I woke up one day and realized that this was not the legacy I wanted to leave my children. There is not going to be a magical windfall that will take care of it all. I/we are going to need to put our noses to the grindstone and take 4 years to really get out of this hole. We basically have zero credit. We are for the first time having to make ourselves live within our means. And it is not as hard as I thought it would be. I am learning painfully that there is no shame in saying "I can't afford that". Not for pity but to make yourself face reality. I can't live like I can afford to have new clothes each month and Starbucks everyday (sadness!) I can't go out to lunch and dinner even if it is "fast food" and not an "expensive sit down restaurant". Nathan and I have FINALLY decided to be grown ups and take care of business. And it is going to be hard. The disposable income is pretty much nonexistent. This brings me to my point: I have got to get back to planning my dinners/recipes/trips to the grocery store very carefully. I have to pay attention to what I spend. I can't live like I can afford all organic if I really can't. I can't say I am too tired and just pick up a pizza. That stuff adds up big time I am learning. Therefore, I am starting a new blog: http://www.supperforsix.blogspot.com/. I know, I know. Before you call me too self-indulgent just listen: this blog is going to be comprised entirely of recipes. As a way to keep myself accoutable, I endeavor to post each night what I made for dinner and what it cost and how long it took. It is primarily a means to keep myself motivated--I really don't care if anyone reads it our not. However, maybe I can encourage some other mommas out there and we can share ideas. It is incredibly hard to get a hot meal on the table every night of the week (and make it somewhat healthy)! But, I believe it can be done with some planning...and it will be a great way for us to save the moolah! Down with you debt--we will be in the black soon! :)

PS--Nathan changed the name of his blog. Wienie! We work with the youth at our church a lot and I think he was afraid he was a little too "racy" to be appropriate. I say, whatever. But you can follow him now at www.dodgegrandcaravandalism.blogspot.com.

Ta-Da!

2010-02-25T14:41:00.003-06:00

Here's some news: Nathan and I are having another baby! And yeah, we really do know how it happens. I realize that you can only use the "it was a random fluke" excuse so many times, but we are going with it for the third time. I promise you, Elisa is the only baby we really "planned". I say that, but for those of you who know us, Na and I have never been real big on family planning. I know we are really granola, but I really like the organic-ness of just letting it happen. We are not gluttons for punishment, and we both finally feel really good about shutting it down after this one. We were a little uncertain after Noah, not sure if we wanted to stop there or go for one more--choice made I guess! I have to say that I was really shaken up when I first found out. We didn't tell our families until after my first dr. appt. at 11 weeks. My mom's feelings were really hurt that I didn't at least tell her.

4 is A LOT of kids. It borders on socially unacceptable. I didn't want to feel like a freak when I finally told people. It took me 3 months to warm up to the idea. And really, Nathan and I are joyful. Seeing the sonogram of this little 3 mm baby shaped thing flailing its arms/legs just does something to you. It's real. It's a person. It's goodbye to owning my body for 9 months. It's hello to sleepless nights. It is feeling like our family is finally complete.

I am 14 weeks tomorrow and I just told my boss this past Monday. I was really nervous about that conversation. He was definitely surprised. What was I expecting? People don't have more than 2 or 3 kids these days. Any more is just weird. And then there is that awkward feeling like you have to explain your reproductive choices. Pregnancy is not something that just "happens". There is a little awareness on the part of the parents. (Oh gosh--you mean I am not sprinkled with pixie dust at night by the "baby faeries" I let in through the open bedroom window? Nathan, you got some 'splaining to do! :))

So, by the way, my due date is August 27th. Let's decide which is the worst part about this date: it's the first week of school or the freaking hottest point of the summer? Pick one. Currently my frustration is the first week of school conundrum. I LOVE my job. Really. It challenges me. It is only going to get better next year since I actually have a fighting chance at knowing what I am doing. And then I tell my boss, by the way...count me out until October. So, not going to happen. I have to take unpaid leave which is fine, but I really care about my students and parents. It doesn't look good to have a teacher gone the first weeks of school. At this point, I am just going to do the best preparation that I can. I will try to get my ducks in a row, and knowing myself, I will be hauling my just had a baby self out of the hospital and back to work just to check and see how things are going! So, not sure of this particular shakedown, but God is good, right? I am just going to see what He has in store.

The others:
So, like, I still have 3 other living breathing kids to keep my occupied. Elisa just put my boots on and told me they were "fabulous". She is currently on the couch with a doll saying "Robot bear" to the doll over and over. Ava is getting taller by the second. She is still the one that I look at and think "there's a chance I took the wrong baby home from the hospital". However, she looks exactly like Nathan, except like a girl. Now that's weird. Feminine plus Nathan. Hmm. But it works. She likes to put on her dress up heels and click them as loudly as she can on the floor. And well, Noah? A little whiny that one is. He will let his opinion about certain things be know. He is a little high maintenance and kind of like a man diva (miva?) He is certainly very chill until there is something he wants (food, attention, the computer, crayons, anything the girls are minding their own business doing, etc.) and then he screams. He gets right in front of you and lets it rip until you tend to him. He will not be ignored. I think this is Darwinism in action. If he isn't demanding and loud, he would probably get left behind. Way to go Nature! But he is a cuddle bunny (albeit one currently obsessed with Dad and only deigns to be with Mom when Dad is gone). I am glad I nursed him for as long as I did. Some days I have to ask myself "did I hold him at all today besides moving him from place to place?" It's a shame. Baby #4, I apologize in advance. Pop out and hang on little one! You're lucky if you make it half an hour before getting stepped on, groped, spit up on, yelled at, or sat on. It's a sign of affection. Really.

It's been a long time!

2010-02-01T17:13:00.004-06:00

Well friends, I hope that you are all doing well. I hope you haven't pined for my words of wisdom too much! (*wink,wink*) More like, words of pity, self-indulgence, and sarcasm! But before I indulge in self-loathing, I must say that I have missed blogging. It is so cathartic, like a semi-personal diary. Everything I write is a caricature of my real life--poking fun at the crazy situations I seem to find myself into.

Things have been very busy. Christmas was really wonderful and the break was much needed for everyone. It was good to see all the fam--my brother-in-law and sister-in-law to be flew in from DC, so it was awesome to see them.

We saw the Salters over MLK Jr. weekend. They are amazing friends, and I can't believe how much we, as adults, have "grown up" since meeting in the summer of '07. We have each had a kid, and we both find that it is hard to find that "chill time" we enjoyed in H-town.

Elisa turned 4 on the 11th, and we just had her party this past weekend. It was princess-themed and uber girly. She is beginning to write individual letters and she fascinates me every day.

Work is okay, and my kids are just growing before my eyes! I am learning how hard it is to "break into" a small town. Somedays it feels like I am just too different to ever win anyone's friendship or respect. I love my job and I am learning so much every day about how difficult it is to come into a position of leadership as a newcomer to a town and organization. Just because you have "book learning" doesn't mean people have to like you. Some days, I just feel like giving up and quitting and hiding at home. I should not feel so much anxiety at work that I can't just leave it there. The anxiety monster does not belong in my home. I have too much at stake to let fear and worry eat away at my heart.

On the other hand, I really enjoy my position and its challenges. I want to be a more professional and quality employee. I want to represent that woman that balances a career and caring for her family in the best and most positive way I know how. Like you have heard me say many times before, I want to be a career gal and a mom and part-time work suits me so well. I feel blessed to be where I am. My children are so happy and I am gaining so much experience. If I could just gain some confidence and butt all the peripheral things out of my head, things would be better. That will be the focus of my prayers this week....

Of course, I could just trade in my children for some serious moolah and work full-time...that could work, right? :) But you know what, I see my girls do things like sweetly share an ICEE completely umprompted, and then my son rushes to cuddle with me every day when I pick him up and I think "Maybe I'll keep 'em". The juggling act that is my life continues.....

I won't win any awards...

2009-10-27T12:51:00.002-05:00

A few updates:

Work life--Not getting sued! Things are going well. The parents like me, the students like me, and Early Childhood is just trucking along nicely. Things have settled down and the routine has become very comforting. Although I did have a student tell me today that "God is going to spank you". You know. That happens.

Social life--What social life? Ha-ha. Although I did recently go to the State Fair with my brother and his wife and my sister and her husband. The girls did not go with us so that was like a "night out". It was the UT v. OU weekend. There was a very drunk frat boy that gave me his seat on the DART train. He was with some seriously fashion impaired sorority girls. I think they thought they were trendy, but boyfriend jeans, toms, 80s sunglasses, and a military blazer do not a fashionista make. Anyway, drunk frat boy provided me with the most interesting and stimulating of conversations that I have had in a long long time. I milked his impaired state for all it was worth. Hey, I never get out! At some point we started throwing out names of herbs that would make ridiculous children's names. Tarragon and Cilantro were the big winners.

Romantic life--Again, what romantic life? Nathan and I try--we really do. But then I find myself saying things to my sweet husband like, "Put a bubble in your mouth" or "stop your motor and let the other people pass" as I throw my arm across his path. That screams "I've never wanted you more", right? And then there is the little issue of me lecturing him while in the throes of passion. I will spare you the intimate details but lets just say I can't even enjoy myself without attempting to boss Nathan around. That was super mortifying. I didn't even mean what I was saying. I am just so in the mode of telling people what to do I can't even stop myself while having sex! Ugh!

Parenting skills--This is my personal favorite. At the beginning of the aforementioned episode between Nathan and I, we had made cookies to keep the girls quiet and put them in front of a movie. You take it when you can get it, right? So anyway, we took the rest of the cookies to our room to consume them in secret like little piggies. Things had gotten underway and we hear a little knock on our door. Our favorite trick is to ignore it, but that was not proving to be effective this time. One of us got the bright idea to slide a cookie under the door without saying a word. Shameful. And humorous. And shameful. But mostly humorous. When was the last time I laughed like that? And, more importantly, it got the job done!

Spiritual life--Nathan is teaching the youth group at our church and I am teaching ages 2-4. I just love little kids so much I want to be around them every second of every day! (sarcasm, folks!) Oh wait, I am! It is really fun even though teeenagers scare the hell out of me. All their hormones and emotions flopping around like dying fish. Erg! I am not so equipped...but Nathan is great!

Mental health--You read the above, right? What do you think? Let's go with somewhere between desperately seeking a support group and needing a room with padded walls. But seriously, I live in my car, which is in a constant state of filth. When I get a break from the car, I am at the house--also filthy. I can't seem to get anything accomplished and it's all I can do to keep my eyes open every day.

But the title of this post aptly points out that while I may not be stellar at any one thing, at least I haven't spontaneously combusted. Sometimes "good enough" is the best I can do and I am okay with that.

And can I just give a shout out to all the amazing new life entering this world:
Baby Shelby
Baby Kuzara
Baby Roll
Baby Speegle
Baby Keyser
Baby Vaden
Baby Way
Baby Mahan
Congratulations you guys! You will all make amazing parents! It might make you a little batty, but we wouldn't do it if it wasn't worth it!

My kids...

2009-10-02T18:32:00.002-05:00

Elisa: Still in love with mermaids. Monsters are scary mermaids, healers are magical mermaids. She laughs at weird times at things that aren't really funny. For instance, me: "we are having macaroni and cheese tonight for dinner". Her: "O haha. That's so silly. Macaroni and cheese. Hee!" I don't really have a response to that.

Ava: She is a punk who likes to ignore me and run around half-naked. I love her "can-do" spirit but she is not even keeled like sister. She goes from 0 to screaming in about 1/2 a second. Time is a concept we are working on. She likes to sometimes pick at Elisa because she can. It is just in her nature to be defiant. I like to call it "persistence". She will make a great debator! If I could somehow disappear between her age 12 to 19 years I think that would be for the best...for everyone...

Noah: Seriously the quietest baby you've ever met. I sometimes forget he is around. He just hangs out and watches stuff--his sisters, his toys, the TV, Na and I, the fan--whatever. He is just a sweetie and he loves to coo and laugh at me. My favorite time with him is in the morning before the girls wake up. I feed him and then get myself dressed and he just hangs out and talks to me. The only time he is upset is if he is alone (he HATES that) or hungry or tired. That's it. I just want him to stay my little baby forever!

On the off chance I might get sued....

2009-10-02T18:27:00.002-05:00

In the interest of the law, I have removed my last two postings with my ranting and ravings about being unfairly judged. While I do believe that this will all settle, I may be taken to a court of law and I don't need anything negative found on me! Does this sound totally "Law & Order" to you? Me too! Many thanks, Reagan, for pointing out that even when I am not naming names, it still doesn't look good to comment on a potential "ongoing investigation". OMG! This is ridiculous!
Upside: I am in good standing with my current parents and staff and boss. I really love my job and everyone has faith in me. yay!
Downside (unrelated): Nathan, you know, works in oilfield services. Things are not going to well with some customers. I am a little *swallow* nervous although he tells me not to be. Hmm...

It's funny...

2009-09-15T14:28:00.004-05:00

Nathan is blogging, y'all! And, he is real funny. He is a talented writer and he sells himself short. Anyway, he is way wittier than I am. He writes to keep things light and funny. We lovingingly nicknamed ourselves "witty" and "gritty" (that would be me). :) Hope y'all enjoy... http://ifthisminivansarockin.blogspot.com

Some random updates...

2009-09-02T20:11:00.003-05:00

Things are like, really crazy...new job is awesome but my time allotted to stare into space and blog at will has somewhat diminished... :)

Let's see...Mally Lu is coming into town this weekend! Yay! Can't wait to see her!
Going to see our buds in Cleburne the next weekend...5 kids between 2 couples. Yikes!
Have plans for a college roommate reunion and a Collins/Bush/Richardson trip to the State Fair in October. Awesome!

Elisa is obsessed with mermaids. O.B.S.E.S.S.E.D. Her reality involves her swimming at the beach with the mermaids. Our conversations go like this:
Me: "Elisa, what did you do today?"
Elisa: "I went to the beach and swam with the mermaids. Yay!"
Me: "ooooooooookkkaaaaaaaaayyy."
Her Dad: "That was imaginary. What happened in reality?"
Elisa: "I went to the beach and swam with the mermaids. We had a good time. Oh goody!"
I really can't make this stuff up. Also, her current favorite song is "All the Single Ladies" by Beyonce. She is a little behind the trends, that one is.

Ava's mood continues to amaze me. Still strong-willed but SO much happier than before her tubes. She is also the messiest child I have seen. Her face is covered in a layer of filth by the end of the day. She is also a scientist. I think her mind works like this: "Ooh. A marker. I see this colors this paper, but what will it do in the floor? More color--score! What about the walls? Color again! And now, for my body......I love chocolate milk. You know what's better than drinking it? Pouring it all over your leg when you are in the car and watching Mommy freak out. That's bitchin' awesome!"

Noah is basically the strongest, fastest, smartest, bestest baby in the world. Enough said. But, he does seem to spit up. A LOT. Just sayin'. He is still cool and all....

:)

Oh, and Na. Well, he seems to be fine. He single-handedly rearranged the furniture in our bedroom which I am deliciously greatful for! *kiss kiss* I suppose he is a little bummed that the dentist pointed out he has little teeth. Pretty is as pretty does.

Blessings abundant!!

2009-08-20T15:40:00.002-05:00

Whoa! So much has happened this past week, I can't believe it has only been 10 days since all the changes! It is so funny how just when you let go of something that is when it is given to you. How many times have I been taught this lesson? A couple of weeks ago, when I was in my frustrating doldrums of wanting a job, I had gone to talk to the Head of the private Episcopal school here as well as the Rector of our church. I had handed out my resume but nothing, of course, was available part-time. Monday morning, we are coming back from Houston after Ava's appointment (her ears look great!), and I get a phone call. The Head of School just got an opening for Director of Early Childhood and instantly thought of me. What an ego booster! I went the next day to get the deets, and then I started Wednesday. School started this past Monday. What a rush! 5 days to get a classroom ready, enroll the girls, start school! Let me fill in the blanks: I work 7:30 am to 12:00 pm only every day. I teach a 3 year-old class as well as administrate the Early Childhood program. That consists of 3 3 year-old classes and 2 2 year-old classes. My title is Director of Early Childhood. Isn't that fancy? I will, of course, need to put in extra hours on occasion. There are late afternoon staff meetings once a week and there are various things that need to get done in the afternoon. However, my girls are attending the school now. I have a friend keeping Noah in her home, and I can pick him up and bring him back to the school if I have work to do. I can always go in after Na gets home too. But really, I imagine to be home by 12:30 most days. How awesome is this!?!! Just when I had given up and was learning to be content with my situation, God moves me again! I don't feel like Nathan and I even remotely deserve any of the blessings in our lives, but I suppose that is the point. God is always good. Period. It is just amazing to see the plans He has for us playing out!!!

Lessons in nursing

2009-08-07T11:16:00.002-05:00

So, I was talking to a Moms group here in town, and they encouraged me to blog some of my lessons in nursing. This might be a little TMI for guys that read this blog--so BEWARE. I only nursed my girls for 3 months each. I got my period back at 8 weeks with Elisa and 11 weeks with Ava. My milk supply dropped dramatically. I was also working (full-time with Elisa, part-time with Ava), but pumping. both girls started sleeping through the night at this time as well. I always regretted that I didn't feed them longer. But I thought it was out of my hands. This time around, with Noah, I got my period at 11 weeks as well. I wanted to keep nursing him when I noticed a drop in my milk supply. So I just fed him every 1.5 to 2 hours. As soon as my period ended, my milk supply went back up and he was back to eating every 3-4 hours! I realized that I was so into Babywise and scheduling my girls by not feeding them unless 3 hours had elapsed. Even though they were hungry!!! I wish I had this knowledge them. Babies do need scheduling but sometimes to make nursing work for you, you have to change tactics. And that's ok. Your baby won't be a little hellion. Noah pretty much follows Babywise anyway...good napper and eats every 3-4 hours. Unless I am on the rag. :)

Footwear

2009-08-07T11:14:00.001-05:00

They love a sparkly flip-flop in this town! Um, I think I dress my feet "too fancy"! Who doesn't love a wedge heel? :)

Friday morning sunshine

2009-08-07T11:05:00.003-05:00

Here are my loves. They are all in a good mood. Amazing. I want to take a moment to say how blessed I feel to have such a wonderful family. God has blessed us indeed. I have (*ahem* reluctantly) been taught about contentment. Everyone talks about the "slower pace to life" here and it is true. I didn't realize how much time I was spending in the car in Houston and how cranky that was making me and my children. Now we can go out and it doesn't take more than 10 minutes to get anywhere! While I still want a job (desperately!), God is teaching me every day to just be in the moment. How wonderful is it that I get to spend so much time with my children as babies? And if no jobs turn up, I need to be content with where I am now. Time flies. And I know I am going to want all this back. So, for now, I rest. And listen to the Lord. And let Him calm me down and bring out gratefulness and fullness and kindness from me. But, let's just get real for a minute: my kids still drive me nuts quite often. And being at home has some really lame moments. Don't get me wrong. I am just open to the possibility of a change of heart. Let's not lose all sense of reason and succomb to whimsy... :)

A well thought-out article on the plight of families today...

2009-08-04T14:31:00.001-05:00

http://www.newsweek.com/id/210252/page/1

Quick Update

2009-07-23T18:59:00.002-05:00

So, I realize that my previous blog was a little bit dreary and or/suicidal....not to worry friends--I am alive and well. Venting actually helps quite a bit! :) And, my children have not been harmed by my hand. Hoo-rah! I still stand completely by my frustration and own it all. However, I hope that I did not come across as looking down on SAHM or full-time caregivers and teachers. I have a huge amount of respect for those women that fight the good fight each day at home with their kids as well as those that feel called to work with others' children. We certainly need quality caregivers. The point that I was trying to get across is that it is not for me, as well as my frustration that people think as a woman/mother child care is all you are qualified to do. Child care and teaching are REAL jobs as well. I just hate how this is my ONLY option if I don't want to hand my children over to day care 50 hours a week. Also, I hate how caregiving has a somewhat lower esteem and value in society's eyes. That sucks.

Pity Party

2009-07-22T14:12:00.003-05:00

Every once in a while, I have these days that are so black I feel that I am suffocating. My breaths are shorter and shallower as I try to keep from hyperventilating. I feel like my life is pointless and I live in a very deep dark hole. I mean, I get that I am worth something to my husband and children, but frankly, that in itself is not always satisfying. My children are lovely, but they just take, take, take. I can't ever find 5 minutes to myself to keep the nauseating anxiety at bay. Some days it seems I just can't satisfy them. They want to be within a 3 inch radius of me and whatever I am doing at all times. Have you ever tried washing dishes, doing laundry, breastfeeding with two extra people literally attached to you? I have tried to just drop what I am doing and give them one-on-one, but it doesn't always work. They feel clingy and uncertain about this move as much as I do. I need a job!!!!! But I don't really know how to get one...When anyone hears that a SAHM wants to work part-time, they automatically think child care. I don't want to spend days watching other peoples children!!! "Oh, she just wants to get out of the house and earn a little extra cash". I am SICK of it. I want a job. A real live contributing member of society job. But I want one that doesn't demand 40-50 hours a week from me. Just 20-30 b/c I HAVE to have something left for my family as well. But people say, your children need you at home. It is enough that you are just there. REALLY?!? How am I serving my children when I am angry, depressed, and yelling at them all day out of frustration?!? I need another outlet to be a better parent. Do I have to sacrifice patience to parent because the work force needs me 50 hours a week? Do I sacrifice my sanity to be with my children ALL THE TIME? I just can't take it!!!!! I really wish there were more options for women than corporate America vs. full time childcare. Why can't we make it both? Why can't businesses see how much women bring to the table and create jobs that are accomodating for mothers with families? I love love love my children but that shouldn't translate into being with them EVERY second. I am no good to them if that is the case. Their whines and idiosyncracies stop being cute and just make my skin crawl. Does admitting this make me a bad mother?

Like the title says: Pity pary. This is my outlet to word vomit. When I get up from here I will back into the trenches and pick the screaming two year-old off the floor and hold her until she stops being mad that I went into the other room. I will deal with my three year-old throwing a fit as I patiently watch her pick up all the toys she has literally strewn about the house (it will take a good hour I assure you). I will also have to force her to actually get dressed (a bathing suit and ballet shoes is her particular outfit of choice but it is starting to smell--3 days in a row now it has been worn!) I will unload the dishwasher and fold the laundry that I have been putting off all day b/c looking at it piled up all over makes me ill. I will comfort my infant that is wailing b/c his nap was interrupted. I will not burst into tears as the extreme feeling of being overwhelmed I am trying to surpress threatens to explode. Instead I just word vomit into the world wide web and hope for a pitying ear. And maybe a stern talking-to. After all, who likes a whiney baby?

My humiliation knows no bounds; or, alternatively, I am the envy of all!

2009-07-16T19:03:00.002-05:00

So, it turns out I do not need a cast--yay! no surgery, no drama, hoo-rah! However, I do get to wear a very stylish orthopedic shoe for a month--hence I am the envy of all. I am really afraid to leave the house in case someone tries to assault me and take my shoe. I will post pics soon...but seriously, stay away. It's not for sale.

As a one-legged woman, I try to stay away from venues that require a lot of walking. However, I had to go get my prescription for Vicadin filled. At the Target. Once I realized how much hobbling on my crutches that was going to take, I began to rethink the plan. I was already there so I did what I had to do--got one of the handy little carts that they provide for the differently abled. And so began my humiliation. It's funny, I have had 3 children and my girl parts have been on display for a team of medical people, and yet this experience on the cart was my most embarrassing to date. People stare at you. On the plus side, you get a very pleasant breeze as you zoom along. PS and BTW, it does, in fact, beep (LOUDLY) when you back up.

Getting to know Longview better. Still miss our friends and our church like crazy.

Call me "Hop-A-Long"

2009-07-14T13:07:00.002-05:00

So................I broke my foot. What else can I say? I am not a klutz or accident prone, nor do I generally participate in unsafe activities. I didn't trip or get crushed by anything. I simply love heels too much! I rolled my ankle in one of my heels and heard a crack. 10 minutes later, I couldn't walk on it. Fastest ER trip in the world (I was in and out in 2 hours!)...I came home in a splint and with crutches. Going to orthopedist tomorrow morning--don't know if I need cast, surgery, etc. Just need to be able to walk. Can't move while holding anything except my crutches. Oh, and I guess this means I will need to postpone the job hunt. Good grief!

Hello from Longview!

2009-07-09T16:07:00.004-05:00

Well friends, we are finally "moved in" but I wouldn't say "settled". It just doesn't quite feel like home. I have had mild panic attacks the past few days. You know that feeling where you simultaneously want to vomit and/or cry uncontrollably? I keep wondering when I am going to feel righted again. I feel lost, lonely, and fat. Anyway, enough boo-hooing. I just really really really really really need to find a job. Either I am going to kill my children or they are going to kill me. Either way, someone's going down.... ;)

Things I have learned about Longview:

It's small
The library sucks
The grocery stores suck
They recycle! and they provide everything you need to do so... :)
There are 3 Starbucks
One is in the only Target in the city
The mall is the saddest place I have ever been (or, as Nathan likes to call it, "The Place Where Dreams Go To Die", Inc.)
If you need some sort of service done in your house or on your car it is fast and prompt. No waiting for someone between the hours of 8 and 5. They come when they say they will.
If you want drive thru or to-go--you will be waiting a while. Literally. so. slow.
Yeah, they all have an accent.
There are two chick-fil-as
And apparently, a "gathering of old men" takes place Friday mornings in one of them to provide a forum for bitching about whatever they read in the paper
Every single person I have met so far has been kind and encouraging and full of helpful information

Past and forthcoming events of interest:

Ava ran off once when I was at the Target (I go at least once every two days. Surprised they don't know me by name now. I imagine they have our pics up in the work room and they snigger as they make up stories about why I look shifty and desperate each time I come in. But I digress.) They actually had to close off the store. No one in or out until she was found. It was full alert. I was terrified. They found her in the toys thank God! Then I switched to feeling morified. Ah well, I provide excitement as a rule...

However, there is this lingering feeling about living in a small town. I know that I will run into people again. So, there is no hiding or melting into the masses. When I am in public, I want to be extra careful about how I come across because I may totally see these people again and again. Same reason I will probably never honk my horn in anger. Perhaps that is a good thing.

We are coming to Houston tonight. Ava is getting tubes in her ears and her adenoids removed tomorrow. It is a surgery and she goes under general anesthetic with an IV and heart monitors, etc. Kind of freaked out. Kind of really freaked out. I know it is routine, but still it is MY baby. I have to remind myself this is for the best b/c she will stop getting sick and start feeling better.

Well, my love to you all. Drop us a line or visit sometime:

3007 Gilmer Rd.

Longview, TX 75604

Recent happenings

2009-06-15T18:33:00.002-05:00

So sorry that you have been deprived of my infinitely interesting though-provoking rampages! :) Things have been super busy but here are some highlights of the past few weeks:

I have smushed Raisinets in my carpet (and possibly my hair)
My brother got married--and she is a sweet-y!
At said wedding, the flower girl (also my oldest daughter) peed her pants literally 30 seconds before she was to walk down aisle...
Which freaked her out and she bawled all the way down the aisle (Daddy had to help--Honey, you looked so elegant with those flower petals!!!)
Oh, and the infant and the 1 year old screamed their heads off the entire ceremony. Just the ceremony. Before they were fine. Reception they were fine. LITERALLY JUST THE CEREMONY. I think it went well...sorry Russ.
Ava's 2!!!!!
And she took one of my medications which caused me to call poison control...
Who then freaked me out when they told me to take her to the ER...
And then said "take back" because she only took one--she's okay thank God
We baptized Noah this weekend and it meant so much to me that our friends and family were there
Our wonderful friends threw us a surprise going away party that was so awesome! Just thinking about it makes me want to cry (in a good way)
Went to a bachelorette party the other night and had THE BEST TIME and that's all you get to know ;) (Congrats Suze!!!)
Ava has her 4th ear infection in 5 months and has to see a specialist...may need tubes...bummer but I just want her to feel better
The buyers for our house came by to get something and I realized several HOURS later that I had a tiara on the ENTIRE time I was talking with them (and actually still do)
My children have had the best day today--no fits, random decisions to trash the house, or playing in filth...
But at this very second...Noah is screaming his head off (he just ate!!!), Ava is rearranging all our DVDs (like, you know, from the organized box they were in to the floor in another room) and crying for a cupcake (totally not going to happen), and Elisa is in panties, a gi-normous tutu, and a wife beater and scattering a deck of cards all over the floor.
I don't think I am going to get to eat dinner tonight...

I am turning into my mother!!!

2009-05-13T12:06:00.003-05:00

I am a neurotic nut job. Seriously. Do you ever have those days? I want to be calm, cool, and put together. Have a new baby? No problem. Relocating family of 5 across state? No problem. Schedule all those last minute hair, dentist, and doctor appointments before said move? Done and done.

Except not so much. In my hurry to be efficient and prepared, I think I am going into overkill. Does the 2 year old need to see the dentist? No, b/c she is too little. Why didn't they tell me that over the phone when I made the d*mn appointment? 3 children in a little dentist office is officially my version of hell. Just so you know. When will I get my wisdom teeth pulled? Who knows? I will have to stop nursing for 2 days and when will my husband be able to get off to help me? Again, who knows? Suggestions anyone?

By the way, my husband is a lovely man, but he is completely unable to multi-task. Seriously. Do not, I repeat, do not get in the car with him if he plans to make a phone call while driving. 1. You won't get to your destination. And if by some freakish chance you do, it will be about 2 hours later after much turning around and lane swerving. Take my word for it. 2. You will fear for your life. It is just not worth it. So, with this in mind, how do you think he does with the children? Brilliantly--if that is all he is doing. However, he has taken to having his phone beep with every email. (D*mn those crackberrys!) Therefore, he has to check the thing EVERY TIME it goes off. Every time!!! Well, let me explain. In the dentist office with 3 children in our care is not the time to take to checking emails! Remember, the man CANNOT multi-task! I am prone in a chair with my mouth open, and what are our children doing? Who knows? This is why I almost wrestled his phone away from him and threw it against the wall. But thank God I was in the chair...I did yell (after my mouth was free!)

Example 2: Should 3 children accompany their mother to her hair appointment? (By the way, I am now blond and I must say--I look fabulous! :) ). The answer is no! Christy. Always. No. But what did I do?....This is a lesser version of hell. Just so you know.

So, the point is this: Why have I taken to making public scenes and irrational choices? This is not me. I am calm, cool, and collected, remember? I don't hop into pointless situations without thinking them through. Why do I feel I have lost all sense of poise and reason? Motherhood is demanding, somewhat degrading, but ultimately rewarding, right? I refuse to throw in the towel and don "mom jeans", a short haircut, and 80s-style Keds. But a mental breakdown and loss of all reason if the first step I fear...

PS--My husband is a wonderful, wonderful man. I am lucky he puts up with me. I hope he takes this schpeel with a grain of salt. (I love you honey!)

PPS--None of this really makes any sense, does it? I think that proves the title of this post--unfortunately.

Busy to the point of exhaustion--but God is still good!

2009-05-07T15:57:00.002-05:00

Well, thankfully my kids are all healthy and well. Nathan and I are too, but we are physically exhausted from getting our house ready to put on the market. We have gotten very little sleep and our house feels like a show house--not our home. The poor girls--a lot of their toys disappeared overnight. We also found out that the market is really really bad in our neighborhood. We are going to take a serious loss on the house. But, before we could worry...

Yep, the company is going to pay that loss as well! God is so good! He definately has big plans for us in Longview. We are literally going to be able to walk away without any debt from this whole move. And if that is not enough--where we are going to live when we get up there was totally stressing me about as well. However, I talked to the Longview realtor and it just so happens that she owns a duplex that has one side open. 3 BR, 2 bath, 1400 sq. ft. with a garage and backyard. We have to see it first of course, but isn't God good? This literally could not be any easier. Good thing too b/c Nathan and I have a lot on our plates right now... :)

He's Finally Here! (and other important news...)

2009-04-28T10:55:00.007-05:00

For those of you who know me well, I was totally bummed that Noah didn't make an appearance over Easter. Like, REALLY bummed. The Thursday before Easter, I had progressed to 4 cm and the doc stripped my membranes (just what they did with Elisa--and I went into labor the next day). I had contractions the next day, but nothing progressed. Easter passed without incident. I had another appt Wednesday after Easter (the 15th--TAX DAY!). I took my girls to school and everyone pointed out that I was still walking around (like I didn't know!)! Anyway, went to the doc, still 4 cm and he tried again to "agitate my cervix". Goody. Went home without incident. At 4:30 pm I start having contractions every 2 minutes. Not wanting to call a false alarm, I thought they might go away. They didn't. And they started to hurt. So, I call Nathan, my precious friend that just had her baby boy, then the doctor (in that order!). Without hearing back from the doc, Nathan and I take off to the hospital, thinking this might be fast. Come to find out, the doc was in the middle of a c-section. Thankfully, I was admitted, even though no one knew I was coming! By 7 pm, I was settled and they checked my cervix--8 CM!!!! I couldn't believe it! I had really progressed fast. Now, my water never broke with my girls and it hadn't broken at this point yet either. I asked if they would break it for me, and guess what? They said "No"! Apparently, since I was Group B Strep positive (I was with Elisa too but not with Ava) I had to have 2 doses of antibiotics 4 hours apart. Well, I got the first dose, but you can imagine with me at 8 cm and having intense every 2 minute contractions (lasting a minute each!) I was certain I couldn't do that for 4 MORE HOURS! And no one would really answer me about what the plan was. We would just "wait and see". I was really confused b/c I did not want to stay in transition for 4 hours! (Is that even possible?) Anywho, I started feeling the urge to push and they told me I was only 9 cm. And they told me not to push b/c I could tear my cervix. Great, like I really felt like I had any control. Everyone wondered out except Nathan and the nurser and I began to cave like a baby. I begged for drugs--I'll admit--I am not superwoman! I got my beloved NuBain, but it did not work as magically as I remembered. I was still in a helluva lot of pain. Unfortunately, there was nothing they could give me at this point. I began to feel the urge to push like crazy. The doc ran in to check me--she was putting her gloves on when I pushed out my bag of waters whole! Who knew that could happen?! So, there was the doctor with one glove on and my little Noah had already crowned! He came down right after that bag! It was the only thing holding him up! At this point, things down there hurt like crazy. I kept asking for pain killers--any kind! The docs kept encouraging me to push--one more and he would be out--but I kind of stalled for a while. Good thing too--the doc needed to put her other glove on. So, I finally decided to bite the bullet and push again and out he came! Literally--he popped right out after 2 pushes! 9:23 pm April 15th, after just 5 short hours of fast labor. Immediately, I felt fabulous that he was out and not in. I didn't care what they did to me after that. Funny though, because everyone was oohing and aahing over how big he was--was he a monster? They took him from me to weigh him--9 lbs 6 oz. Not too shabby. At least it explains why it hurt like the devil. He is 13 days old and perfect. Beautiful round head, enormous feet and hands, precious big eyes and cheeks. I feel like a million bucks as well--no more being preggars! Sisters love him and he is sleeping and eating well. We are tired, but thankfully no colic or acid reflux. So, that's the birth story. If only that was the end to our news...

The other important piece of info Nathan and I are ready to share is that we are moving. Yep, July 1st we are relocating to Longview, TX (about 30 miles east of Tyler). Nathan got a promotion at work (go baby!) with a nice raise and other assorted benefits (he gets a company car!). But unfortunately, the job is in Longview. Can I buy organic there? Will we find a church as great as our current one? We will miss our friends and family terribly. I hate to leave my job and the school the girls are at. It was very tear-jerking to relay the news to our church family and friends (particularly my fabulous boss!). I still can't believe this is happening. The good news is the company is paying for everything! They even will come and put things in boxes for us! We just have to get our house sold--they provide the realtor and we don't have to go to a closing. And, Nathan's parents and my grandparents live in Tyler which is just a short drive away. My sister and her husband and my brother and his fiancee (soon to be wife) live in Dallas. We will be closer to them as well. I am really proud of Nathan for getting this. It is a really big deal and it is exactly what our family needs. Plus, it is greater job security which is so important right now. God has been very very good to us. We will keep you updated as things go and just know that we will miss everyone so very very much.

PS--Check out my friend Callie's blog for more Noah pics: http://www.callieannephotography.blogspot.com/. She is a fantastic photographer!

Baby Noah Watch 2009

2009-03-30T15:49:00.002-05:00

So, I went to the Doc Friday and I was 3 cm dilated and 50% effaced! I was not surprised, but he surely was. He kind of got this weird look on his face and was like "huh...you're pretty dilated". And I was like "I know. I keep telling you that I am having contractions, etc. Duh!" Anyway, I was only 36 weeks at that point which is a little early, but they told me there is no need to stop labor if it starts. So, I am just staying active and doing my thing, and we will just see! I am hoping to wait at least another week to week and a half, but definitely by Easter. We'll let you know!

Elisa is officially potty trained!!!!

2009-03-25T11:27:00.001-05:00

She wore panties yesterday and kept them entirely dry. Pooed twice in the potty. Wore panties to school today and pooed in potty. Still dry. This brings me more joy than anything right now. On second thought, that is kind of sad...

Noah is NOT HERE YET!!!

2009-03-23T19:15:00.002-05:00

Okay. Sorry if I scared any of you. Noah is not here yet. He is still cooking away! I am going to the doc Friday to see how dilated I am and what position he is in, etc. I am really excited for him to be here, but I am okay with whatever timing. Besides being a little tired, I really feel fine. I know that when he gets here I won't be sleeping, so if he wants to wait that is FINE!!!

Elisa is officially potty-trained!!!!! I cannot tell you how excited I am! I will only have to buy diapers for two instead of three. Yes!!!! And I am just so proud of her. She finally gets it and she wants to succeed. Her own timing I guess.

The ear infections are back in my house. I cannot figure this out! It is really bumming me out. Elisa has a double infection and Ava just the one. But, if they get another one in the next month, we might need to talk tubes. I mean, they have been so healthy until last month! What is it?

Contractions still happening every day, but they are not going anywhere. They are especially bad when I need to use the restroom and when I get up suddenly. I am just hoping the doc says that at least something is going on down there! I will keep you posted!

Updates

2009-03-08T16:45:00.002-05:00

So, I have found that candy works as an excellent bribe in potty training my child. Everytime she goes on the potty, she gets candy! And, it seems to be working. She goes several times a day and her pull-up stays dry a lot. She even wore panties and kept them dry for half the day yesterday! The problem still is that she is lazy and distracted. She will not get up from what she is doing to "take care of business" unless she is thinking about candy! But, I feel so much more confident that this is actually going to happen!

Little worried about baby Noah getting here too soon. I have been having lost of BH contractions and I think I am losing/have lost my mucus plug. Sorry if that is TMI!!!! I know that it can still be weeks before labor and that is what I am betting on. 34 weeks is a little too early! We'll keep you posted!

Oh, the joy!

2009-02-25T17:09:00.002-06:00

So, two things:

1) My children always seem to know when I go to the bathroom. They can be in the other room, but when I go to pee, they materialize to watch. I suppose it is developmentally healthy. Particularly since I want the older one potty-trained so badly! The other day, my 3 year old asked me what I was doing on the potty and I explained that I was going "pee-pee on the potty", and she said "Good job, Momma!". And she clapped. What can you say, really?

2)My house is diseased. We have gone over a year without any medication in our home. 3 weeks ago, both children ran a fever. Doctor said viral and nothing to be done. 1 week later, 3 year-old gets ear infection. The next week, younger one has ear infection and sinus infection. That happened Monday. 3 year old has just finished antibiotics. Guess who runs a fever today? The 3 year old again. Just a virus and no meds needed now. However, if it turns into an ear infection, there is nothing to prevent it. I love playing "pass the fever"!

Hormones

2009-02-18T20:58:00.000-06:00

Friends, you have always known me as someone who is a fan of pregnancy. It is a beautiful thing, and I don't ever want to take for granted how easily it occurs for some or how difficult it is for others. I joke about "just having a baby" with all my newly married friends. I don't know if it is the third pregnancy in general or just the fact that I have had 3 pregnancies in 4 years time, but this one is HARD. My hormone levels must be off the charts. I find myself weepy and sad much of the time. I feel endless amounts of guilt that I cannot muster up as much enthusiasm for my little boy as I did for my girls. I hardly interact with my husband beyond "hi", "bye", and "will you please clean?". I have no energy and want to spend most of my time in bed. I am short with my girls and find myself drifting directionless throughout my days. I don't really enjoy much of anything, and that is so scary. I hate that I don't feel like myself. My other pregnancies were empowering for me. They brought joy and excitement to mine and Nathan's life. I can't figure out why I feel so differently this time around. I understand that so much of this is probably just the hormonal imbalance of pregnancy compounded by the fact that I have a preschooler and a toddler to care for; and it doesn't help that I am not sleeping well. However, I still can't shake the feelings of guilt that I owe more to my children then what I am currently offering. They are only this age once and I should be more present in their daily lives instead of existing in this "zombie-like" state. Nathan says that I feed myself horribly negative messages and that I have some kind of "imaginary measuring stick" for how a mother should be that I always fall short of. I keep thinking that if I can just get it together maybe I will feel happier?

My worst fear is that I will look back and feel a deep sense of remorse for missing precious happy times with my children b/c I was too consumed with restlessness and sadness. I don't get a "do-over". And I have been perfectly aware of all my life choices. If I don't regret any of them...why do I still feel so much discontent?

I do think there is an element of spiritual warfare here as well. As a young mother, I DO think we are given false images of what life is supposed to look like--namely where you live, what you drive, and how much disposable income you are supposed to have. Since we clearly don't look like that family or that family, then something must be lacking in our lives. And that, unfortunately, is a lie and not from God.

Well, mellow rant tonight. But I am so encouraged to be back blogging and crafting this little webpage to be my personal safe space. I hope you are all doing well my friends.

Confessions of a bad mommy

2009-02-18T18:58:00.001-06:00

I read this article the other day about the natural tendency of children to be generous and helpful. And how we as parents work diligently and subversively to squelsh this nature--without even realizing it. The next day...real life example:
My children love the pantry cabinets. Yes, they have hoards of actual TOYS, but they love to pull things out of the kitchen cabinets and leave them on the floor. Particularly when I am cooking dinner b/c they like to be in the room with me. Of course I had an unsealed bag of sunflower seeds within their reach, and yes, they ended up on the floor. Trying to keep my cool, I proceed to remove my children from the room and sweep up the seeds. Elisa, my 3 year-old, wants to help clean. She gets our mop and proceeds to shove the seeds around. I tell her to get her toy vacuum cleaner instead. Compliant, she bustles off, and I put the seeds into a nice pile that I am about to scoop into the dustpan. As I bend down, a little plastic Dirt Devil rams into the dustpan and flings the freshly collected seeds hither and yon. Now, you mommas out there, please don't judge me, but I LOST IT with her! I was so close to having my floor clean and I lost rational judgement. I screamed at her, put her in her sad chair, yanked her vacuum away. Then, of course, conviction and dawning set in. She just wanted to help. She wanted to get up close and personal with the action and I wanted to push her away from it. Help, but not too closely. "Pretend" to pick up. Do anything but do it away from me. What kind of learning is that? She knows the difference between real help and fake help. She truly just wanted to clean up in a real way. And I squelched it. Took that generous nature and bruised it. And it breaks my heart. Yes, I apologzied. We talked about it. We found something else to clean. But do I worry that she will not offer to help sweep again? Yes. Am I going to mark this episode on my heart and do my best to nuture her sweet helpful spirit? You bet. I am going to try.

Sheepish...AGAIN

2009-02-18T18:55:00.000-06:00

So, noticing a trend with my frequency of posts? I promise this time it is going to get better...well, wishful thinking is better than giving up, right?

Follow up

2008-09-30T14:35:00.000-05:00

It cannot have been 4 months since last blog! It cannot! But, sadly, it is true. So, let's address what has happened in that time.

1. Operation potty training has lost steam. I need prayer. My child will be in high school and I will be making trips to the school to change her. That is a gross, gross thought.

2. House has not leased. Decided not to lease, but still have it on the market to sell. The economy is really scary right now, and we need to sell our house. We could live a lot more cheaply if we rented inside the city. Most of our activities take place inside the loop, and we can save so much gas if we are located nearby.

3. Love job with church nursery. Many changes still to be made!

4. Big news: operation birth control lasted about a week and a half. So of course it follows that we are, in fact, pregnant again. I am due April 25th, and I am finally excited about it. It took a while, just thinking about the ramifications of three children under three. But you know what? We are young, and I want to enjoy being with my children as much as I can while they are young. Which leads me to...

5. I am quitting my job at the school as soon as A) our house sells or B) Easter. Whichever comes first.

There is so much more to say. But, my two year old needs milk. I promise I am going to take this blog seriously from now on. Give me a day or two to collect some pics to post, and then I will share more.

Things she carries - updates

2008-05-27T15:15:00.000-05:00

1. Have decided to go on birth control for at least 6 months. Decided not ready for another baby just yet. I know everyone I love just gave me a mental "duh".

2. Have begun operation: potty training with two year-old. I would not say that it is going well.

3. Have decided to try and lease house.

4. Have accepted another part-time job with church as Childcare Coordinator. Have an amazing schedule for fall. Will have 2 days a month to spend time with husband sans children. YES!!!!

5. Still not super passionate about jobs but LOVE the schedule. Don't have to do it for longer than a year. I am going to make the most of it and hopefully love it, but I am an administrator and manager in my heart. It is what I love to do. Social work is the field my heart loves, and I hope I can keep that perspective this year with these different jobs.

hotmessmomma learns humility - part deux - the library

2008-05-27T14:59:00.001-05:00

So, when you make that leap from one child to two, you suddenly realize what bliss your life was with just one. Things automatically take much longer with two. For instance, there is no "let's just get out of the car and do this one quick thing". Oh, no, that is a dream no longer realized. No where is this more apparent to me than the library. Let's say that you just want to return a book and check a couple more out. You think to yourself, "I don't need the double stroller. I am running in. I can carry the infant and let the toddler walk". That's the first problem. Inevitably, the toddler finds a corner to squat and poo into her diaper, thus stinking up that section of the library. In addition, the infant will start pulling books off the shelves. The toddler will notice the fun game that has been created and will join in. Madly, you look at the check out line--it's 6 people deep. What's this newfangled gadget? A self-checkout machine? "I can handle that" you say to yourself. However, you must put down the infant and let go of the toddler's hand. Inevitably, the machine is from the devil, so it takes a while to figure it out. Meanwhile, the toddler and infant have begun a "get on your hands and knees and screech and laugh while chasing each other" game. The librarians are giving you stern looks and you hastily gather up your books and babies. Just as you think you are home free, you are stopped by a librarian asking you if you put the tabs on your books that you checked out. You think "what the h*ll is he talking about?" He gives you a look like "another idiot". It's not my fault, I mean, I think the DEVIL created that checkout machine! Regardless, he must re-check out your books, and you must let go of the toddler's hand once more. As you finish up, you scan the doorway looking for her. You get a little worried when you don't see her at first, then you lay eyes on her in the corner. She is sitting on a thick velvet rope held fast between two metal posts (akin to what is used to demarcate a line at a theater). And then she says "Look momma! A swing! I swing on swing!". And you say "Yes, baby. It's a swing. Let's go". And you leave. Quickly. And make a mental note to never return to this particular branch again.

Things she carries

2008-05-12T21:27:00.000-05:00

So lately I have been consumed with worry about things I have no control over.

Issue #1:
My husband and I have credit card debt, and while it is not ghastly, it is enough to chap my rear and drive me bonkers! I want it gone! So, we have decided to cut the cards, number 1, but we have also decided to put our house on the market. We want to cut down on our monthly expenses so that we can have more to pay towards our debt. I recently got a small part-time job offer that will certainly bring in more income but not take my husband or I away from our girls for any longer during the week. What an amazing blessing! However, location-wise, we need to get our house gone. So, the same day, a woman knocks on my door and asks to rent our house. Rent, mind you, not buy. We hadn't considered it, but now I wonder--what does it mean? If everything checks out, is this "God's hand"? It is kind of a risky thing to do...

Issue #2:
I am wondering when and if to have more children. Yes, I have two, but remember, I come from a family of 5 children. Having more does not scare me. It is trying to figure out the timing that scares me. My first two children kind of happened to me. My husband and I got married in college and had babies right after. We are now officially "grown-ups". I sped through those "young" and "married" phases rather quickly. I am for the first time looking at my life and wondering what I really want to do with it. Can't take back the kids, nor do I want to. But I also don't want to continue just "speeding through life". If I am in the middle of raising babies right now, it makes sense to just continue to "pop them out" and then tie things up when we're done. But what's next? I am always going to be the youngest parent in my children's friends' circle. Once I have my third or fourth child, I really am done with the baby stage. And I love the baby stage. I almost feel like the excitement of the freshness of my life is over. And I feel taken aback by that. I want to have a career outside my children, but I am terrified about who I will be when they grow up and leave. I guess I don't feel like I truly gave myself a professional personality, and I don't feel comfortable outside my children. And I want to. However, I want more children. Doesn't it make sense to have them now, so that I can allow myself to move on and develop my career when they are older instead of waiting until the time is just magically perfect to have #3 or #4? Or, will having another child be the absolute worst thing I could do at this point in my life? Will I get overwhelmed? Am I already?

As anyone who even made it through this diatribe can see, I have never really journaled before. Being an LMSW, I should know how cathartic it is, but I am really surprised. I feel, at least, that a burden is lifted by releasing my thoughts out into the wild. For some reason, I feel that our future as a family rests on what we choose to do with this next year (be it baby, moving, paying off debt, accruing debt, buying a car, buying two cars, all of the above, and so on and so forth). That is a heavy burden for me to bear...

hotmessmomma learns humility - entry 1

2008-05-07T22:02:00.001-05:00

My two year old recently said, "Momma. It's yucky. Right here. It's yucky". She was pointing to my unforgivably stubbly legs. Touching the prickliness and saying, I repeat, "It's yucky". She's right. And I am embarrassed.

Shed 10 lbs -- of GUILT!!!

2008-05-07T21:13:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had one of those days where it seems guilt just gets comfortable and snuggles into your neck and shoulders and takes a nap? That lasts all day? Perhaps all week? Here is what I constantly battle as a stay-at-home/career-driven/financially motivated mom: that I am never at any given time doing the right thing. My current list of worries:

1. Overdrew the f***ing bank account for the third time this month. To buy pizza. Pizza! That I shouldn't have been eating in the first place. If I had to listen to the kids whine for even 5 more minutes in the car...so, I saw a sign for 2 for the price of 1 pizzas, and I caved. And gained 5 lbs.

2. Child woke up in middle of night last night so was holy terror today. Afraid that child might suffer adult onset hysteria due to my short patience and blatant annoyance with her all day.

3. I HAVE GOT TO LOSE 20lbs !!!

4. House is a filthy, rotten mess. No sooner do I pick up the toys then they magically appear in another room. Did I mention house was currently on the market (for sale)?

5. Employer for small part-time job wants to discuss "my future" with the company--asap. Ack! What the h*ll does that mean?

6. Must turn in 2, concise 800 word articles for local magazine. In 2 weeks.

7. Need to potty-train 2 year-old.

8. Must decide whether current part-time job at preschool is personally fufilling enough to stick with it. Hmm. It's not. However, must make money...

9. Yes, we are in debt. Credit card debt. Due to many things, mostly my love for Target and Starbucks.

10. Started a career in real estate hoping to help pay these credit card bills. It hasn't. Not yet. People keep screwing me over.

11. Must remember to kindle some kind of intimacy with husband.

12. In the process of buying a car. Looking for the perfectly priced, pre-owned minivan. Personal cool factor in the negative numbers. Will replace current car. Only car.

Feeling guilty for feeling guilty. Ate too much, didn't love on my children enough, failed to find meaningful job, nor did I take care of anything mentioned above, and so on and so forth...

But, I stop myself here. This was a look at the negatives, the evil, evil GUILT. Guilt (to be distinguished from conviction-knowing you have wronged and seeking to right that wrong versus the above-mentioned guilt) has no place in my life and certainly should not get comfortable. And thus the reason for the blog. If I give voice to the things that weigh me down, they no longer have a silent power. And I could say, this is an opportunity for personal growth, blah, blah, blah....But I will not say that. These are big things. And having these worries kind of sucks. But, I feel certain that other women carry similar concerns. And, I would say, we have enough on our plate without having guilt hibernating on our backs for the winter to weigh us down. By and large, isn't life joyful? I have never looked at my child and said to myself "I regret that". Let it go, ladies. Let it go.